It is now 3:30 a.m., and once more I find myself awake, with no prospect of getting any more sleep. I did have five good hours of rest, but what I really need is 7 or 8. The past couple of weeks have seen a trend towards some improvement, and I've consistently had 4-5 hours of rest a night (which may not seem like much, but it's a huge improvement over the previous three years). I wonder how all the RLS sufferers managed throughout history, as the medications I've taken have only been available in the past 10 years. It must have been a living hell 100 years ago - no sleep and no relief. I can only imagine some of them must have become suicidal.
I will go for my last massage therapy session next week. I believe the deep tissue massage is providing a significant improvement in circulation and a reduction in the symptoms of RLS. However, we just can't afford the treatments anymore, as we're trying to cut our expenses wherever we can right now. I know many are praying for a permanent solution or divine healing for me. Personally, I can't imagine how God will answer those prayers - this syndrome seems destined to be my constant thorn in the flesh, robbing me of precious sleep and energy for the rest of my life. Sound like a lack of faith? I guess it is. I'm just tired of being tired.
My folks left on Friday evening, after spending a week with us. I was pleasantly surprised to see that my Dad handled the altitude fine, with a little help from some oxygen at night. We had some great discussions while they were with us, even though we don't always agree. As I grow older I'm finding it a little easier to disagree with Mom or Dad on any given point, and not feel the need to concede simply to keep the peace. Real peace doesn't come from concessions, but from a deep sense of security in who we are - knowing we will always have differences of opinion with others. Don't we all long for the blessing of true freedom in our relationships? Such freedom can only come when we're truly honest about who we are and how we feel - never resorting to emotional manipulation or passive aggression to get our own way or to "win" the discussion, because it's not about winning. It's about honesty, integrity and vulnerability. Relationships become "weird" when we are no longer able to be honest and speak the truth about how we feel, because we're afraid of how the other person will respond. That's called bondage, and no one likes to be in relationships where you're forced to walk on eggshells out of fear. The saddest part of all is that more often than not, those who use anger or emotional manipulation to gain dominance in a discussion lack the self-awareness to see themselves through others' eyes. They live in an imaginary world where everyone things they're wonderful, mature, dashing, clever and wise - while those around them see them as arrogant, self-centered and deceived. And then, of course, I have to wonder how often I've been the one walking around with the huge plank sticking out of my eye - knocking everyone near me in the head with my ignorance. The ability to see oneself through a realistic lens is a gift from God. Without it, we can become total narcissists who will never enjoy the blessings of relationships based on love and freedom.
I've finally set the dates for my first crisis training with a church just outside of Austin, TX - September 27-29. I'm excited! Of course, I am trusting that God will be gracious and not allow me to have one of my sleepless nights just before the training. One small step in the right direction - it's something to be grateful for today.
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