We had some excitement this evening; just as I walked in the door, the phone rang and it was Emily who's on staff at our church (and who lives next door). She said her husband Sterling was looking off their deck and saw a fox meandering by. Suddenly, the fox stopped dead in its tracks and stared down into the woods. Sterling followed its gaze, and about 50 yards away in a clearing he was shocked to see a large cougar. It was walking slowly in the general direction of our house. I jumped back in the truck with my girls, and we raced over to their house and picked up three more. Just as we were pulling out of our driveway our Pastor's wife Amy pulled in to use our printer, and I asked her to let our beagle inside as she would make a tasty hors d'oeuvre for a hungry cougar!
We drove all over our neighbors property of 50 acres, but other than a couple of mule deer there was no sign of the mountain lion. Still, it's exciting to know that they're in the area! We're going to go back out after dark to see if we can spot it. We're wondering if it was after the mule deer, but the deer obviously hadn't caught the cougar's scent because they were calmly nibbling on the trees and shrubs. They would have been miles away if they had any idea who was lurking in the neighborhood! Who knows - maybe we'll spot the lion after dark.
I submitted several of my paintings to a local gallery to be reviewed, as I'd heard they are looking for another artist to display. I heard back from them a few days ago, and they decided that my work does not fit in with the gallery. Of course, they have the right to accept or reject any artist based upon their own evaluation, and based upon the general theme of the gallery. I would not have minded a simply "Not our style", or "We do not need an oil artist at this time." Unfortunately, they added a final paragraph with some practical tips to improve my oil painting technique, and a final note "Good raw talent!". The note bothered me, simply because I was not requesting an art lesson. I've been painting for over 35 years and while another artist may not appreciate my particular style, I found the note to be inappropriate at best - and downright rude at worst. I'm planning to write a letter back to the gallery to express my sentiments, and to encourage those on the jury to treat potential artists as professionals and not as middle school art students.
Nicole and I went back out after dark - we saw an enormous buck, but no lion.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I haven't made an entry for several days - I can blame it on the fact that I sliced open the middle finger on my left hand several days ago. I was cleaning out a jar, not realizing that the bottom of the jar was broken. When I put my hand in to clean it out I cut my finger quite badly - I thought I would never get the bleeding to stop. Believe it or not, as I was holding my finger and contemplating whether or not to go to the urgent care clinic, I started thinking about how grateful I am for the gift of pain (yes, I know, what a spiritual giant). I'd been talking to Nicole a few days ago about her trip to Ethiopia, and she told me about their visit to a leprosy hospital. Thankfully, this is a disease that can be cured today, if caught early enough. The biggest problem for lepers is that they feel no pain in their extremities. So I was standing there at the sink, thinking that if I had leprosy the only way I would have known I'd cut my finger would have been the water in the sink turning red. Pain is a gift, and as much as it hurt to slice my finger I would rather feel it than not. Anyway, the bandage I've had on my finger has kept me from adding to the blog for several days. The finger is healing nicely - thanks for asking.
Last week, the three men who serve as the advisory board for Storm Guides spent two days with us. We've been trying to meet face-to-face twice a year, with monthly phone calls in between. The last time we met it was snowing in Atlanta (in January) - so we enjoyed the beautiful weather here in Colorado. We did most of our talking out on the deck, where we could enjoy the weather and a good cigar. In some ways our lives have changed dramatically since January - a new home, changes in direction for Storm Guides, our family well established here in Conifer, and a role for me as Executive Pastor of The Journey church here. And some things haven't changed, like having no income other than the faithful financial support of a few dear friends. Were it not for their support we would be in a very difficult place financially. Thank God for their help! By faith, Storm Guides should begin to provide some income to offset the attrition in our support. I officially registered Storm Guides with the state of Colorado on April 7th, and now in September I finally have my first, firm contract for crisis training with Cypress Creek Church in Texas. I'm hoping for another contract soon with a church here in Denver, but they're waiting for their annual budget to be approved before they will make a commitment. Here's the reality: for me to earn a living only through Storm Guides would require around 30 trainings per year, which seems unattainable at this point. The issue of my RLS and chronic insomnia keeps rearing its ugly head, because I find it impossible to invest the emotional and mental energy into building the client base for the company when I just can't concentrate on any one thing for any length of time. Reading has been impossible because every time I try to read I fall asleep. However, there's a great deal of reading that I need to do in the area of crisis management to stay current in the field.
I've begun to wonder if the worst symptoms of RLS, which began around 3 years ago, were triggered by the intense stress and emotional events of my life at that time. I did struggle occasionally with restless legs prior to that time, but for some reason the symptoms reached a critical point in early 2007. Perhaps there's no relation at all - I don't really know. I've just about exhausted all the medical options that are available for relieving RLS symptomatically. Daphne continues to be a rock of faith as she fights this through persevering prayer, and I am convinced now that she is right. Last night was not a good night, and I was awoken multiple times with restless legs. Each time I would get up to walk, I asked Daphne to pray - and each time I was able to come back to bed and fall back asleep after 20-30 minutes. The commitment on her part is huge, because it means no sleep for her either. So, we keep praying, keep struggling, and keep asking the Lord to renew a daily supply of energy and endurance. Someone mentioned to me this morning on Skype how hard it can be to discern our motives in prayer, as to whether we are truly seeking the gift or the giver. To be honest, I know my motives are divided; I long for more intimacy and knowledge of God, but I find myself wavering due to my emotional disappointment with God when this battle with RLS continues unabated. Anyway, I'm not sure that it's possible to clearly define the dividing line between the Giver and the Gift, because God so longs to be actively and intimately involved in every area of our lives.
Last week, the three men who serve as the advisory board for Storm Guides spent two days with us. We've been trying to meet face-to-face twice a year, with monthly phone calls in between. The last time we met it was snowing in Atlanta (in January) - so we enjoyed the beautiful weather here in Colorado. We did most of our talking out on the deck, where we could enjoy the weather and a good cigar. In some ways our lives have changed dramatically since January - a new home, changes in direction for Storm Guides, our family well established here in Conifer, and a role for me as Executive Pastor of The Journey church here. And some things haven't changed, like having no income other than the faithful financial support of a few dear friends. Were it not for their support we would be in a very difficult place financially. Thank God for their help! By faith, Storm Guides should begin to provide some income to offset the attrition in our support. I officially registered Storm Guides with the state of Colorado on April 7th, and now in September I finally have my first, firm contract for crisis training with Cypress Creek Church in Texas. I'm hoping for another contract soon with a church here in Denver, but they're waiting for their annual budget to be approved before they will make a commitment. Here's the reality: for me to earn a living only through Storm Guides would require around 30 trainings per year, which seems unattainable at this point. The issue of my RLS and chronic insomnia keeps rearing its ugly head, because I find it impossible to invest the emotional and mental energy into building the client base for the company when I just can't concentrate on any one thing for any length of time. Reading has been impossible because every time I try to read I fall asleep. However, there's a great deal of reading that I need to do in the area of crisis management to stay current in the field.
I've begun to wonder if the worst symptoms of RLS, which began around 3 years ago, were triggered by the intense stress and emotional events of my life at that time. I did struggle occasionally with restless legs prior to that time, but for some reason the symptoms reached a critical point in early 2007. Perhaps there's no relation at all - I don't really know. I've just about exhausted all the medical options that are available for relieving RLS symptomatically. Daphne continues to be a rock of faith as she fights this through persevering prayer, and I am convinced now that she is right. Last night was not a good night, and I was awoken multiple times with restless legs. Each time I would get up to walk, I asked Daphne to pray - and each time I was able to come back to bed and fall back asleep after 20-30 minutes. The commitment on her part is huge, because it means no sleep for her either. So, we keep praying, keep struggling, and keep asking the Lord to renew a daily supply of energy and endurance. Someone mentioned to me this morning on Skype how hard it can be to discern our motives in prayer, as to whether we are truly seeking the gift or the giver. To be honest, I know my motives are divided; I long for more intimacy and knowledge of God, but I find myself wavering due to my emotional disappointment with God when this battle with RLS continues unabated. Anyway, I'm not sure that it's possible to clearly define the dividing line between the Giver and the Gift, because God so longs to be actively and intimately involved in every area of our lives.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Thirsty Man
The night before last, Daphne and I decided to try an experiment. She believes (and I am moving in her direction, but not fully there yet) that we should believe God for healing for my RLS - and keep persevering in prayer until it happens. It's not that I don't believe in healing - God knows I do and that I've prayed over and believed Him to heal many others. I guess in my own case I am struggling to believe this because I've been battling RLS for many years, and I've asked for specific prayer for healing at least four times; but the symptoms continue to worsen. Anyway, we decided to try our "experiment", which meant that I would not take any of my medication, and we would focus on praying if and when the symptoms started. Well, the symptoms started, and continued unabated all night. Daphne prayed while I paced (and in my state of extreme tiredness, pacing the floor means I almost always end up bumping into walls and doors and furniture because I'm actually sleep-walking). We both ended up in tears sometime in the wee hours of the morning - disappointed in God, because it feels like He just doesn't hear us on this issue. I know He answers prayer; it just feels like He won't answer THESE prayers.
Here's the thing about sleep deprivation: it robs you of life. It's the loss of mental alertness, and the inability to focus on any task - particularly reading or writing - for any length of time without falling asleep. Practically speaking, sleep deprivation makes it impossible for me to do the research and writing that I need to do to prepare for upcoming training seminars with Storm Guides. There's also the fear that once I have firm contracts to conduct a training, the night before the training I will suffer another sleepless night. The day after one of these "nuits blanches" ("white nights" in French, which means no sleep) the only activity I can do is manual labor, because otherwise I fall asleep - well, not really. I'll start to fall asleep, but then the RLS will kick in. So yesterday I cut down a bunch of trees, moved a bunch of large rocks off the driveway to prepare for snow plowing, and worked on finishing part of the deck.
Daphne continues to fast for God's divine intervention, and last night I joined her in fasting. I went to bed around 9:30, and other than waking up once I slept until 4:15. Daphne said she hasn't seen me sleep like that in a long time - I snored, talked, laughed in my sleep. . . but I didn't twitch like I normally do. I don't remember what I dreamed about, but it must have been good. I'm not ready to draw any conclusions; I'm just grateful for another night's sleep.
That's why I feel the energy to write this morning because I actually feel awake (so this entry will probably be a long one!). I read in John 7 this morning where it says that Jesus stood up in the temple and cried out, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. He who believes in me, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water." He's talking about the Spirit, and I long to know more of the power and fullness of God's Spirit in me. NEVER THIRST AGAIN. What an amazing concept. There is power, and joy, and LIFE available to us through the Spirit of God - but how many of us really find it? And what does it look like to be filled up with the Spirit of God and live in sleep-deprivation at the same time? I mean, when you're living each day in a mental fog of weariness and dullness, what role does the Spirit of God play?
I am really looking forward to the next three days, because the three men who serve as my advisory board are coming into town. I can only hope and pray that the next few nights will be as good as last night, because I want to be fully engaged with my mind while they are here. We'll be discussing what's currently happening with Storm Guides, and where we want to go in the next 6-12 months. I'm sure we'll also discuss how my role as Executive Pastor of Journey church relates to my work with Storm Guides. On Thursday the four of us will drive down the hill to Cherry Hills Community Church because I'm taking part in a panel discussion on security and missions - namely, how to reconcile crisis planning with faith in God. Should be fun! The best part is that this particular monthly meeting is attended by missions pastors from all over Denver, so the potential is there to meet other churches or agencies here who could benefit from help with their crisis management planning.
I have an amazing story of international intrigue that I've gotten drawn into . . . but that will have to wait for tomorrow!
Here's the thing about sleep deprivation: it robs you of life. It's the loss of mental alertness, and the inability to focus on any task - particularly reading or writing - for any length of time without falling asleep. Practically speaking, sleep deprivation makes it impossible for me to do the research and writing that I need to do to prepare for upcoming training seminars with Storm Guides. There's also the fear that once I have firm contracts to conduct a training, the night before the training I will suffer another sleepless night. The day after one of these "nuits blanches" ("white nights" in French, which means no sleep) the only activity I can do is manual labor, because otherwise I fall asleep - well, not really. I'll start to fall asleep, but then the RLS will kick in. So yesterday I cut down a bunch of trees, moved a bunch of large rocks off the driveway to prepare for snow plowing, and worked on finishing part of the deck.
Daphne continues to fast for God's divine intervention, and last night I joined her in fasting. I went to bed around 9:30, and other than waking up once I slept until 4:15. Daphne said she hasn't seen me sleep like that in a long time - I snored, talked, laughed in my sleep. . . but I didn't twitch like I normally do. I don't remember what I dreamed about, but it must have been good. I'm not ready to draw any conclusions; I'm just grateful for another night's sleep.
That's why I feel the energy to write this morning because I actually feel awake (so this entry will probably be a long one!). I read in John 7 this morning where it says that Jesus stood up in the temple and cried out, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. He who believes in me, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water." He's talking about the Spirit, and I long to know more of the power and fullness of God's Spirit in me. NEVER THIRST AGAIN. What an amazing concept. There is power, and joy, and LIFE available to us through the Spirit of God - but how many of us really find it? And what does it look like to be filled up with the Spirit of God and live in sleep-deprivation at the same time? I mean, when you're living each day in a mental fog of weariness and dullness, what role does the Spirit of God play?
I am really looking forward to the next three days, because the three men who serve as my advisory board are coming into town. I can only hope and pray that the next few nights will be as good as last night, because I want to be fully engaged with my mind while they are here. We'll be discussing what's currently happening with Storm Guides, and where we want to go in the next 6-12 months. I'm sure we'll also discuss how my role as Executive Pastor of Journey church relates to my work with Storm Guides. On Thursday the four of us will drive down the hill to Cherry Hills Community Church because I'm taking part in a panel discussion on security and missions - namely, how to reconcile crisis planning with faith in God. Should be fun! The best part is that this particular monthly meeting is attended by missions pastors from all over Denver, so the potential is there to meet other churches or agencies here who could benefit from help with their crisis management planning.
I have an amazing story of international intrigue that I've gotten drawn into . . . but that will have to wait for tomorrow!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Freedom in friendships
It is now 3:30 a.m., and once more I find myself awake, with no prospect of getting any more sleep. I did have five good hours of rest, but what I really need is 7 or 8. The past couple of weeks have seen a trend towards some improvement, and I've consistently had 4-5 hours of rest a night (which may not seem like much, but it's a huge improvement over the previous three years). I wonder how all the RLS sufferers managed throughout history, as the medications I've taken have only been available in the past 10 years. It must have been a living hell 100 years ago - no sleep and no relief. I can only imagine some of them must have become suicidal.
I will go for my last massage therapy session next week. I believe the deep tissue massage is providing a significant improvement in circulation and a reduction in the symptoms of RLS. However, we just can't afford the treatments anymore, as we're trying to cut our expenses wherever we can right now. I know many are praying for a permanent solution or divine healing for me. Personally, I can't imagine how God will answer those prayers - this syndrome seems destined to be my constant thorn in the flesh, robbing me of precious sleep and energy for the rest of my life. Sound like a lack of faith? I guess it is. I'm just tired of being tired.
My folks left on Friday evening, after spending a week with us. I was pleasantly surprised to see that my Dad handled the altitude fine, with a little help from some oxygen at night. We had some great discussions while they were with us, even though we don't always agree. As I grow older I'm finding it a little easier to disagree with Mom or Dad on any given point, and not feel the need to concede simply to keep the peace. Real peace doesn't come from concessions, but from a deep sense of security in who we are - knowing we will always have differences of opinion with others. Don't we all long for the blessing of true freedom in our relationships? Such freedom can only come when we're truly honest about who we are and how we feel - never resorting to emotional manipulation or passive aggression to get our own way or to "win" the discussion, because it's not about winning. It's about honesty, integrity and vulnerability. Relationships become "weird" when we are no longer able to be honest and speak the truth about how we feel, because we're afraid of how the other person will respond. That's called bondage, and no one likes to be in relationships where you're forced to walk on eggshells out of fear. The saddest part of all is that more often than not, those who use anger or emotional manipulation to gain dominance in a discussion lack the self-awareness to see themselves through others' eyes. They live in an imaginary world where everyone things they're wonderful, mature, dashing, clever and wise - while those around them see them as arrogant, self-centered and deceived. And then, of course, I have to wonder how often I've been the one walking around with the huge plank sticking out of my eye - knocking everyone near me in the head with my ignorance. The ability to see oneself through a realistic lens is a gift from God. Without it, we can become total narcissists who will never enjoy the blessings of relationships based on love and freedom.
I've finally set the dates for my first crisis training with a church just outside of Austin, TX - September 27-29. I'm excited! Of course, I am trusting that God will be gracious and not allow me to have one of my sleepless nights just before the training. One small step in the right direction - it's something to be grateful for today.
I will go for my last massage therapy session next week. I believe the deep tissue massage is providing a significant improvement in circulation and a reduction in the symptoms of RLS. However, we just can't afford the treatments anymore, as we're trying to cut our expenses wherever we can right now. I know many are praying for a permanent solution or divine healing for me. Personally, I can't imagine how God will answer those prayers - this syndrome seems destined to be my constant thorn in the flesh, robbing me of precious sleep and energy for the rest of my life. Sound like a lack of faith? I guess it is. I'm just tired of being tired.
My folks left on Friday evening, after spending a week with us. I was pleasantly surprised to see that my Dad handled the altitude fine, with a little help from some oxygen at night. We had some great discussions while they were with us, even though we don't always agree. As I grow older I'm finding it a little easier to disagree with Mom or Dad on any given point, and not feel the need to concede simply to keep the peace. Real peace doesn't come from concessions, but from a deep sense of security in who we are - knowing we will always have differences of opinion with others. Don't we all long for the blessing of true freedom in our relationships? Such freedom can only come when we're truly honest about who we are and how we feel - never resorting to emotional manipulation or passive aggression to get our own way or to "win" the discussion, because it's not about winning. It's about honesty, integrity and vulnerability. Relationships become "weird" when we are no longer able to be honest and speak the truth about how we feel, because we're afraid of how the other person will respond. That's called bondage, and no one likes to be in relationships where you're forced to walk on eggshells out of fear. The saddest part of all is that more often than not, those who use anger or emotional manipulation to gain dominance in a discussion lack the self-awareness to see themselves through others' eyes. They live in an imaginary world where everyone things they're wonderful, mature, dashing, clever and wise - while those around them see them as arrogant, self-centered and deceived. And then, of course, I have to wonder how often I've been the one walking around with the huge plank sticking out of my eye - knocking everyone near me in the head with my ignorance. The ability to see oneself through a realistic lens is a gift from God. Without it, we can become total narcissists who will never enjoy the blessings of relationships based on love and freedom.
I've finally set the dates for my first crisis training with a church just outside of Austin, TX - September 27-29. I'm excited! Of course, I am trusting that God will be gracious and not allow me to have one of my sleepless nights just before the training. One small step in the right direction - it's something to be grateful for today.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Who likes tests?
Nicole arrived back home last night after a month in Ethiopia. We're so glad to have her home! She's a little thinner, but no worse for wear. She didn't stop talking from the moment we met her at the airport until she went to bed at 10:30 - and I'm sure this morning she'll pick up where she left off last night. It was a summer of adventure, lots of rain and cold, and plenty of faith tests from the Lord. My folks also arrived yesterday to spend a week with us here in the mountains - their first time to see our home and to meet the whole "gang" of precious friends that God has given us here in Conifer.
All the stories that Nicole is telling us from her trip to Africa remind me of the many summer projects I took part in during college - and I remember some of the most intense, faith-building experiences I've ever experienced happened during those projects. One of those involved a very serious car accident where I rolled a Toyota Land Cruiser several times up in the Northern Frontier District of Kenya. By God's supernatural protection, neither I nor Raphael (my traveling companion) were seriously injured - other than a badly bruised shoulder for me and some deep cuts for Raphael. With no cell phones or any means to communicate back to the base camp, we were simply forced to trust the Lord and wait until help came along. And help did come, and our faith grew, and more adventures awaited us. At every turn, and with every test I thought there was no way God could come through - but He always did. The tests He has brought our way have changed over the years, but they're no less challenging than those of my earlier days. I'm reading in John 6 this morning where the story is told of Jesus feeding the five thousand. My favorite line of that story is in verse 5:
"Therefore Jesus, lifting up His eyes and seeing that a large crowd was coming to Him, said to Phillip, 'Where are we to buy bread, so that these may eat?' This He was saying to test him, for He Himself knew what He was intending to do."
I take great comfort from this verse today. Jesus already knew what He was going to do, but He wanted to know if Phillip was with Him or not. Jesus presented Phillip with an impossible task - to provide food for 5,000+ men, women and children. It seems unfair when you first read it, because Phillip could never in his wildest dreams come up with the money to buy enough food for that crowd. Jesus saw the crowd, saw an opportunity, and turned to Phillip to say, "Phil, these people need to eat. What are we going to do?" Phillip answered in probably the same way I would have - by going to the human solution of money, and concluding that it was impossible. The story could have stopped there, and Jesus could have simply dismissed the crowd to go back to their homes or nearby villages to find food. But it says earlier in the passage that He already knew what He was intending to do. It also encourages me that it didn't matter how Phillip or Andrew responded to the "crisis" because Jesus was going to provide for them all whether they passed this test or not. The test wasn't whether Jesus could feed 5,000 people or not; the test was all about whether Phillip would respond in faith. I imagine it would have blessed Jesus to hear Phillip say, "Well Lord, I have no idea how we're going to feed all these people - but I know you can do it, and I can't wait to see what you have in mind!"
Our Faith Journey as a family has reached yet one more "feeding of the 5,000" stage. I believe with all my heart that the Lord brought us here. I believe He provided this home to allow us to provide a place of rest and encouragement for many disheartened saints. I believe He led us to Journey Church because He wants to use us in this mountain community. And I believe we haven't even begun to see or understand all that He has in mind for our lives. But today, we face a challenge, and we don't have a human solution. Yesterday I checked our bank account and I was stunned to see how quickly we are eating up our savings. The amount of support we receive simply isn't sufficient to cover the expenses. We purchased a high deductible health insurance plan to lower our monthly premiums, but this means we're hit with several thousand dollars of medical claims that we have to cover ourselves. We're also trying to refinance our home loan to lower our monthly premiums, and we're planning to sell one of our vehicles and a few other items to help in the short term. Our Storm Guides business has yet to bring in any income, and I have not yet been successful in selling any artwork. In the face of all these challenges, I can imagine Jesus saying to us, "Jim & Daphne, you face some impossible obstacles; what are you going to do? How are you going to 'work' this one out?" Yet all the while Jesus knows Himself what He is intending to do.
As I've said before, this journey of trusting the Lord day by day has never been as real as it is right now. Whatever short-term solutions I can come up with (sell a car, sell belongings, etc) will only relieve our cash-flow crisis for a time. What we're facing right now, today, is the faith-test of trusting that we did follow the Shepherd's voice to this place, and that we can trust Him one day at a time. And you know what? I'm really OK with where we are. Sure, I have my moments when I fear what we may lose; but I've seen God provide so many times, in so many miraculous, unexpected ways that I really can't wait to see what He has in mind this time. If we can't trust Him right here, right now, with this test of faith, then what in the world have we learned over the past 20 years?
So we hold on today, believing that He knows Himself what He is intending to do. "Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
What an adventure!
All the stories that Nicole is telling us from her trip to Africa remind me of the many summer projects I took part in during college - and I remember some of the most intense, faith-building experiences I've ever experienced happened during those projects. One of those involved a very serious car accident where I rolled a Toyota Land Cruiser several times up in the Northern Frontier District of Kenya. By God's supernatural protection, neither I nor Raphael (my traveling companion) were seriously injured - other than a badly bruised shoulder for me and some deep cuts for Raphael. With no cell phones or any means to communicate back to the base camp, we were simply forced to trust the Lord and wait until help came along. And help did come, and our faith grew, and more adventures awaited us. At every turn, and with every test I thought there was no way God could come through - but He always did. The tests He has brought our way have changed over the years, but they're no less challenging than those of my earlier days. I'm reading in John 6 this morning where the story is told of Jesus feeding the five thousand. My favorite line of that story is in verse 5:
"Therefore Jesus, lifting up His eyes and seeing that a large crowd was coming to Him, said to Phillip, 'Where are we to buy bread, so that these may eat?' This He was saying to test him, for He Himself knew what He was intending to do."
I take great comfort from this verse today. Jesus already knew what He was going to do, but He wanted to know if Phillip was with Him or not. Jesus presented Phillip with an impossible task - to provide food for 5,000+ men, women and children. It seems unfair when you first read it, because Phillip could never in his wildest dreams come up with the money to buy enough food for that crowd. Jesus saw the crowd, saw an opportunity, and turned to Phillip to say, "Phil, these people need to eat. What are we going to do?" Phillip answered in probably the same way I would have - by going to the human solution of money, and concluding that it was impossible. The story could have stopped there, and Jesus could have simply dismissed the crowd to go back to their homes or nearby villages to find food. But it says earlier in the passage that He already knew what He was intending to do. It also encourages me that it didn't matter how Phillip or Andrew responded to the "crisis" because Jesus was going to provide for them all whether they passed this test or not. The test wasn't whether Jesus could feed 5,000 people or not; the test was all about whether Phillip would respond in faith. I imagine it would have blessed Jesus to hear Phillip say, "Well Lord, I have no idea how we're going to feed all these people - but I know you can do it, and I can't wait to see what you have in mind!"
Our Faith Journey as a family has reached yet one more "feeding of the 5,000" stage. I believe with all my heart that the Lord brought us here. I believe He provided this home to allow us to provide a place of rest and encouragement for many disheartened saints. I believe He led us to Journey Church because He wants to use us in this mountain community. And I believe we haven't even begun to see or understand all that He has in mind for our lives. But today, we face a challenge, and we don't have a human solution. Yesterday I checked our bank account and I was stunned to see how quickly we are eating up our savings. The amount of support we receive simply isn't sufficient to cover the expenses. We purchased a high deductible health insurance plan to lower our monthly premiums, but this means we're hit with several thousand dollars of medical claims that we have to cover ourselves. We're also trying to refinance our home loan to lower our monthly premiums, and we're planning to sell one of our vehicles and a few other items to help in the short term. Our Storm Guides business has yet to bring in any income, and I have not yet been successful in selling any artwork. In the face of all these challenges, I can imagine Jesus saying to us, "Jim & Daphne, you face some impossible obstacles; what are you going to do? How are you going to 'work' this one out?" Yet all the while Jesus knows Himself what He is intending to do.
As I've said before, this journey of trusting the Lord day by day has never been as real as it is right now. Whatever short-term solutions I can come up with (sell a car, sell belongings, etc) will only relieve our cash-flow crisis for a time. What we're facing right now, today, is the faith-test of trusting that we did follow the Shepherd's voice to this place, and that we can trust Him one day at a time. And you know what? I'm really OK with where we are. Sure, I have my moments when I fear what we may lose; but I've seen God provide so many times, in so many miraculous, unexpected ways that I really can't wait to see what He has in mind this time. If we can't trust Him right here, right now, with this test of faith, then what in the world have we learned over the past 20 years?
So we hold on today, believing that He knows Himself what He is intending to do. "Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
What an adventure!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Fish Tale & Red cone
Yesterday was quite a day. I asked my friend Dennis if he would join me for some early morning fishing, and he agreed. Dennis is a French Prof at Valor Christian School down the hill. The weather has been fabulous - sunny, no rain to muddy the rivers. Yesterday dawned bright and clear - not a cloud in the sky, and the sky was a deep, deep blue that took your breath away. Dennis took me to a spot that he knew about down in Shawnee - about 30 minutes from the Llama Diner where we met. The water was frigid, and we were both grateful to have waders. I was skunked for the morning, but Dennis caught a 22 inch Rainbow trout - it was a monster, and I have pictures to prove it! The first picture is Dennis proudly holding his fish; the second was taken a few seconds before when the fish decided to head back downstream! We left the river around 10 and headed for "downtown" Bailey for some eggs and bacon at the "Cutthroat Cafe" - a local dive with great atmosphere and delicious food. 
Dennis dropped me off at the Diner after brunch, and my plans were to meet another friend, Scott, who wanted to get my thoughts on some important business questions (not that I can be much help there!). Scott met me at the Loaf 'N Jug convenience store in his beat up 1990 Jeep, and I knew we were in for more than a business discussion. We drove back in the same direction Dennis and I had taken earlier in the morning, but Scott took a detour onto a back road, then onto a trail. I thought to myself, "This would be great to take riding a Quad... but there's no way we'll make this in a Jeep!" We made it. The pictures don't do justice to the difficulty of the terrain - a couple of times I honestly thought we would never make it up and over some of the boulders, or down through some of the holes. My hat is off to Scott's driving abilities. 1.5 bone-jarring hours later we arrived at the destination Scott had in mind - Webster Pass and Red Cone Mountain. Wow - what an incredible, breath-taking view. You can see why they call it "Red Cone" - I thought the color came from the tailings of a mine, but Scott said the bright red is the natural coloring. The picture doesn't do justice to the turquoise blue of the sky. It was worth every adjusted vertebra in my back. We did end up having a great conversation on the way up and down the mountain. We passed a guy up near the top who was setting up camp to spend a couple of days alone in the wilderness. He said he comes there every year. I asked him if he ever encounters bears when he's camping so far from anywhere; he said no, but there is some animal that he can hear walking around his campsite at night. I didn't say anything, but of course you know who that is: Bigfoot.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Bread from Heaven
"I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in me will never thirst." John 6:35
People haven't really changed that much over the centuries. People followed Jesus around because He gave them free food, and occasionally He would heal a few of them. They saw Him as a handy vending machine to distribute whatever they needed - and they could come and go as they pleased; no commitment, no relationship. They went to great lengths and effort to find Him when He disappeared for awhile - "Hey Jesus, you're supposed to be here to meet all my needs!" But as soon as Jesus challenged their consumer attitude and started talking about following Him out of passion and from a deep sense of their own need for a Savior, they started grumbling; "Wait a minute, isn't this the guy we know from Nazareth? We know His family, and they're all normal people." Just because Jesus switched from giving them bread, to saying "I AM the bread of life" - they took offense at Him.
I spoke to a woman on the phone the other day - I'll say her name is Barb (names changed to protect the innocent). She'd come into the Llama Diner probably half a dozen times looking for "Pastor Jim". For some reason I was always absent when she showed up. About a month ago I ran into her (figuratively speaking) in the parking lot of our building around 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning. I was there to meet a friend to go fishing, and she was there because her old Toyota 4 X 4 was overheating. We talked for a few minutes about what might be wrong with her car (me being the expert mechanic that I am), and then we all left in different directions. The staff at the diner would tell me this gal was looking for me, and I couldn't figure out what she could want. Finally someone gave me her number and said, "PLEASE call her - she seems desperate to talk to you." When I did call, she initially said, "Oh, I just wanted to ask you where to find the fuel line in my truck." Strange. But then she went into her life story, and all her woes about her truck breaking down, and her Mom's health problems, and how her Mom is being abused by her Step-Dad... and I realized that she just wanted to pour out her heart to someone (and perhaps was hoping for a hand-out from the church). She kept saying, "I just need God's help to get another car" or for God to help her Mom, or for God to give her a better job. Every time I said, "Well Barb, you're going to have to trust Jesus with this - can you do that?", She would change the subject and go back to what God should do for her.
I guess I do the same thing to the Lord. When He challenges me to love Him and trust Him for Who He Is, rather than for what He does - I get uncomfortable. He's asking us to trust Him now - even though we have no solution for my RLS, and no financial security for the future. I'm feeling challenged right now, because when people ask me how I'm doing, I would like to go into my own pity-party about insomnia and fatigue - rather than having my focus on the incredible things God is teaching us in the midst of all this. It's not a question of being vulnerable about where we're struggling or not, but rather about where my heart REALLY is today.
___________________________
A couple of the single guys from the church team came over to help me get some more work done on the back deck before my folks arrive on Sunday. They were a great help, and I worked them hard. We rebuilt the stairs leading from the upper deck to the lower one, and go about 1/3 of the way to rebuilding the railing on the lower deck. While I'm grateful for their physical help, I loved having time just to talk, tell jokes, listen to some great classic rock from Lynerd Skynerd and the Eagles. The church staff stay really busy, and it's often hard for us to figure out how to get to know them on a deeper level. So one way I've discovered is to get them to help me with a project, and then I've got them for several hours (I call it "Stealth Relationships"). I love these kids - they're full of passion and excitement about where God is taking the church, and their enthusiasm is contagious. I just know from our past experiences that we can be so engaged in "The Mission" that we lose sight of the wonderful richness of going deeper in our relationships - and I don't want to make that mistake again.
People haven't really changed that much over the centuries. People followed Jesus around because He gave them free food, and occasionally He would heal a few of them. They saw Him as a handy vending machine to distribute whatever they needed - and they could come and go as they pleased; no commitment, no relationship. They went to great lengths and effort to find Him when He disappeared for awhile - "Hey Jesus, you're supposed to be here to meet all my needs!" But as soon as Jesus challenged their consumer attitude and started talking about following Him out of passion and from a deep sense of their own need for a Savior, they started grumbling; "Wait a minute, isn't this the guy we know from Nazareth? We know His family, and they're all normal people." Just because Jesus switched from giving them bread, to saying "I AM the bread of life" - they took offense at Him.
I spoke to a woman on the phone the other day - I'll say her name is Barb (names changed to protect the innocent). She'd come into the Llama Diner probably half a dozen times looking for "Pastor Jim". For some reason I was always absent when she showed up. About a month ago I ran into her (figuratively speaking) in the parking lot of our building around 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning. I was there to meet a friend to go fishing, and she was there because her old Toyota 4 X 4 was overheating. We talked for a few minutes about what might be wrong with her car (me being the expert mechanic that I am), and then we all left in different directions. The staff at the diner would tell me this gal was looking for me, and I couldn't figure out what she could want. Finally someone gave me her number and said, "PLEASE call her - she seems desperate to talk to you." When I did call, she initially said, "Oh, I just wanted to ask you where to find the fuel line in my truck." Strange. But then she went into her life story, and all her woes about her truck breaking down, and her Mom's health problems, and how her Mom is being abused by her Step-Dad... and I realized that she just wanted to pour out her heart to someone (and perhaps was hoping for a hand-out from the church). She kept saying, "I just need God's help to get another car" or for God to help her Mom, or for God to give her a better job. Every time I said, "Well Barb, you're going to have to trust Jesus with this - can you do that?", She would change the subject and go back to what God should do for her.
I guess I do the same thing to the Lord. When He challenges me to love Him and trust Him for Who He Is, rather than for what He does - I get uncomfortable. He's asking us to trust Him now - even though we have no solution for my RLS, and no financial security for the future. I'm feeling challenged right now, because when people ask me how I'm doing, I would like to go into my own pity-party about insomnia and fatigue - rather than having my focus on the incredible things God is teaching us in the midst of all this. It's not a question of being vulnerable about where we're struggling or not, but rather about where my heart REALLY is today.
___________________________
A couple of the single guys from the church team came over to help me get some more work done on the back deck before my folks arrive on Sunday. They were a great help, and I worked them hard. We rebuilt the stairs leading from the upper deck to the lower one, and go about 1/3 of the way to rebuilding the railing on the lower deck. While I'm grateful for their physical help, I loved having time just to talk, tell jokes, listen to some great classic rock from Lynerd Skynerd and the Eagles. The church staff stay really busy, and it's often hard for us to figure out how to get to know them on a deeper level. So one way I've discovered is to get them to help me with a project, and then I've got them for several hours (I call it "Stealth Relationships"). I love these kids - they're full of passion and excitement about where God is taking the church, and their enthusiasm is contagious. I just know from our past experiences that we can be so engaged in "The Mission" that we lose sight of the wonderful richness of going deeper in our relationships - and I don't want to make that mistake again.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
If it ain't broke, you're not trying hard enough!
The driver's side window on the blazer has been broken for months - it wouldn't roll up or down. Thankfully it was stuck in the "up" position, but it made it really difficult to check the mail because you would have to drive a little past the mailbox so you could open the door, then open the mailbox. We thought the problem was the actual switch itself, so I ordered the whole unit (the buttons for all four doors and the master lock - $55). I was proud of myself for figuring out how to pull off the old switch assembly and install the new one . . . and it still didn't work. I hate it when that happens! So yesterday Daphne took the blazer to a garage here in town that specializes in everything related to glass in a vehicle, run by a friend from church. In 10 minutes she was on her way, with a working window. What did he do? He took out a big hammer and whacked the motor a couple of times, and it worked like magic. Apparently the gears on these things get stuck occasionally, and they just need a little "coaxing" to start turning again. I love it. Of course, this is the life philosophy of some of my Redneck friends back in Alabama: "It's not working? Well, whack it harder! Oops, I guess that was a little too hard - looks like you just bought yourself a new part!".
Speaking of Rednecks, it's funny that now that we're back in the States (where people have some appreciation for Redneck humor), I haven't felt the urge to bring out my alter-ego "Billy Bob". I'm not sure why - maybe I am too concerned about keeping up the image of sanity and maturity that I've carefully built here in Conifer. I used to love dressing up like BB and telling Redneck jokes like these:
You might be a Redneck if:
- Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
- You dated your daddy's current wife in high school
- Last year you hid your kids' Easter eggs under cow pies
- The Salvation Army declines your mattress
Ok, I'll stop there. It's kind of like an addiction -- once I get going I can't stop.
Our church is growing by leaps and bounds. We're about to celebrate our two-year anniversary since the church started here in Conifer, and we'll mark the occasion with a big dinner on August 30th. The menu will be Chicken Cordon Bleu. I told the guys who are going to be cooking that I expect them to serve the meal while speaking French - but they didn't think it was funny. One remarkable statistic: since the first day the church held a service up here, we have had visitors every single Sunday - even through two summers, which is usually the slowest time of year. We just started a Saturday evening service, and between that one and the two services on Sunday morning we were about 290 people. That many not seem like a lot, but as soon as September rolls around we'll hit 350 at least, and each service will feel full. It's an exciting time to be a part of this church.
A couple of Sundays ago I was preaching on the subject of the church in Acts 2. In the middle of the service I was hit over the head by the Holy Spirit about the very topic I was talking about at that moment. The point I was making was that the church in Acts 2 was characterized by a spirit of sacrificial giving, and every person gave up their own property and belongings so that no one in the church had any needs. The issue God spoke to me about was this: the team that came together to start this church made a commitment to God and to one another that none of them would receive any salary until the church was on its feet financially. To accomplish this amazing feat (especially since there are eleven full time staff, not including Daphne and I) they chose to pool their resources, sell their cars, and live together to save money. Today these 11 young people live together in two homes, eat their meals together, and share the use of 2-5 old, battered vehicles (depending on how many are working at any given time). They each receive $20-30 in spending money each week, and that's it. They are living the Acts 2 model. Is it easy? Far from it. They have their share of problems and conflicts, but they sit down and work it out every time. Here is where God spoke to my heart two weeks ago during my sermon: Michael (the pastor) and the whole team had agreed that they would start to pay us a salary before any of the rest of them because they felt that we had different needs as a family (a home mortgage, older kids in school, etc). The church was planning to start paying us next month. The problem was that every time I thought about receiving money from the church while the rest of the team was willing to serve voluntarily, I had a check in my spirit. My heart was just not at peace, and Daphne felt the same thing. As I was speaking that morning, I sensed the Lord saying to me, "Jim, are you willing to put some skin in this game like these kids? Can you trust me to provide for you and Daph and the girls? If so, then tell the church not to pay you until the rest of the team starts to receive a salary." I talked it over with Daphne, and we agreed together that for now we will live only on what the Lord provides through our few supporters and what I can earn through Storm Guides and my artwork. To be honest, we've had to dip into our savings for the past several months, so this is a big step of faith for us - but as soon as we made this decision we both felt the Lord's peace. We don't have to know where the money will come from; we just need to trust in the One who owns all the world's resources to begin with.
We used to think we lived by faith when we were on staff with CCC. In reality, our faith adventure only truly began once we left staff. We've never had to trust the Lord like we're trusting Him now - and you know what? It's AWESOME.
Speaking of Rednecks, it's funny that now that we're back in the States (where people have some appreciation for Redneck humor), I haven't felt the urge to bring out my alter-ego "Billy Bob". I'm not sure why - maybe I am too concerned about keeping up the image of sanity and maturity that I've carefully built here in Conifer. I used to love dressing up like BB and telling Redneck jokes like these:
You might be a Redneck if:
- Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
- You dated your daddy's current wife in high school
- Last year you hid your kids' Easter eggs under cow pies
- The Salvation Army declines your mattress
Ok, I'll stop there. It's kind of like an addiction -- once I get going I can't stop.
Our church is growing by leaps and bounds. We're about to celebrate our two-year anniversary since the church started here in Conifer, and we'll mark the occasion with a big dinner on August 30th. The menu will be Chicken Cordon Bleu. I told the guys who are going to be cooking that I expect them to serve the meal while speaking French - but they didn't think it was funny. One remarkable statistic: since the first day the church held a service up here, we have had visitors every single Sunday - even through two summers, which is usually the slowest time of year. We just started a Saturday evening service, and between that one and the two services on Sunday morning we were about 290 people. That many not seem like a lot, but as soon as September rolls around we'll hit 350 at least, and each service will feel full. It's an exciting time to be a part of this church.
A couple of Sundays ago I was preaching on the subject of the church in Acts 2. In the middle of the service I was hit over the head by the Holy Spirit about the very topic I was talking about at that moment. The point I was making was that the church in Acts 2 was characterized by a spirit of sacrificial giving, and every person gave up their own property and belongings so that no one in the church had any needs. The issue God spoke to me about was this: the team that came together to start this church made a commitment to God and to one another that none of them would receive any salary until the church was on its feet financially. To accomplish this amazing feat (especially since there are eleven full time staff, not including Daphne and I) they chose to pool their resources, sell their cars, and live together to save money. Today these 11 young people live together in two homes, eat their meals together, and share the use of 2-5 old, battered vehicles (depending on how many are working at any given time). They each receive $20-30 in spending money each week, and that's it. They are living the Acts 2 model. Is it easy? Far from it. They have their share of problems and conflicts, but they sit down and work it out every time. Here is where God spoke to my heart two weeks ago during my sermon: Michael (the pastor) and the whole team had agreed that they would start to pay us a salary before any of the rest of them because they felt that we had different needs as a family (a home mortgage, older kids in school, etc). The church was planning to start paying us next month. The problem was that every time I thought about receiving money from the church while the rest of the team was willing to serve voluntarily, I had a check in my spirit. My heart was just not at peace, and Daphne felt the same thing. As I was speaking that morning, I sensed the Lord saying to me, "Jim, are you willing to put some skin in this game like these kids? Can you trust me to provide for you and Daph and the girls? If so, then tell the church not to pay you until the rest of the team starts to receive a salary." I talked it over with Daphne, and we agreed together that for now we will live only on what the Lord provides through our few supporters and what I can earn through Storm Guides and my artwork. To be honest, we've had to dip into our savings for the past several months, so this is a big step of faith for us - but as soon as we made this decision we both felt the Lord's peace. We don't have to know where the money will come from; we just need to trust in the One who owns all the world's resources to begin with.
We used to think we lived by faith when we were on staff with CCC. In reality, our faith adventure only truly began once we left staff. We've never had to trust the Lord like we're trusting Him now - and you know what? It's AWESOME.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Another good night
Last night was delicious - almost eight hours of sleep, interrupted only a couple of times for a few short minutes. I can't say for sure what made the difference. I went for my second acupuncture session yesterday - perhaps those little needles really do work. I also started taking calcium lactate as a supplement, as the gal who does the acupuncture informed me that this is the version of calcium most easily absorbed and assimilated by our bodies. Thirdly, in addition to the Neupro patch I took .75 mg of Mirapex, thinking that perhaps the two combined might help keep the restless legs at bay.
I went to bed around 8pm - I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer - and I finally got up around 4:30 this morning. In the end, I am confident that whatever the physical reason for my good night's sleep, it is the prayers of so many people on my behalf that is making the difference. God may not choose to heal me supernaturally; His answer to those prayers could simply be that we discover the right combination of diet, medication and exercise that will resolve the RLS issue. Whatever the reasons, I am GRATEFUL for a night of sleep! Thank you Lord!
I just finished reading Frank Peretti's latest novel called "Monster", in which he treats the question of whether Bigfoot really exists or not. I won't spoil it for those who want to read the book, but I thoroughly enjoyed it and I loved how he dealt with this issue. He also wove a great twist into the story that kept me guessing right till the end. My brother John and I have been discussing this question for some time, and he is coming to the conclusion that Bigfoot is possibly real, but not physical. What do I mean? Could it be that Bigfoot is not a new, undiscovered species of great ape that walks upright, but rather a physical manifestation of the demonic? I haven't read all the reference material that John sent me, but he is saying there's an abundance of historical evidence that people through the ages have believed that demons manifest themselves in the form of hairy creatures, and that some biblical words that we translate "demon" could actually be translated as "hairy creature". I don't know, but it's an interesting thought. It would explain why no one has ever been able to capture a Sasquatch, or find a corpse, or even get clear video footage. If they are spiritual beings rather than physical, it would also explain why those who encounter Bigfoot almost always describe the encounter as being frightening - and how the hair on the back of their neck stands up, or the feeling that "someone is watching me".
But then, how do you explain the footprints...?
I went to bed around 8pm - I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer - and I finally got up around 4:30 this morning. In the end, I am confident that whatever the physical reason for my good night's sleep, it is the prayers of so many people on my behalf that is making the difference. God may not choose to heal me supernaturally; His answer to those prayers could simply be that we discover the right combination of diet, medication and exercise that will resolve the RLS issue. Whatever the reasons, I am GRATEFUL for a night of sleep! Thank you Lord!
I just finished reading Frank Peretti's latest novel called "Monster", in which he treats the question of whether Bigfoot really exists or not. I won't spoil it for those who want to read the book, but I thoroughly enjoyed it and I loved how he dealt with this issue. He also wove a great twist into the story that kept me guessing right till the end. My brother John and I have been discussing this question for some time, and he is coming to the conclusion that Bigfoot is possibly real, but not physical. What do I mean? Could it be that Bigfoot is not a new, undiscovered species of great ape that walks upright, but rather a physical manifestation of the demonic? I haven't read all the reference material that John sent me, but he is saying there's an abundance of historical evidence that people through the ages have believed that demons manifest themselves in the form of hairy creatures, and that some biblical words that we translate "demon" could actually be translated as "hairy creature". I don't know, but it's an interesting thought. It would explain why no one has ever been able to capture a Sasquatch, or find a corpse, or even get clear video footage. If they are spiritual beings rather than physical, it would also explain why those who encounter Bigfoot almost always describe the encounter as being frightening - and how the hair on the back of their neck stands up, or the feeling that "someone is watching me".
But then, how do you explain the footprints...?
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Three years of insomnia
Another sleepless night last night. I may have slept a couple of hours - not sure. Spent a good part of the night praying and asking God what purpose He could have in mind for this"neverending" condition. He didn't give any answers.
I reread my journal from 2007, and the first time I wrote anything about Restless Legs was in July of that year. Our of curiosity I read further back to see what was going on in my life at that time, that may have contributed to the onslaught of RLS (some research indicates a link between stress and RLS symptoms). While I was never free from stress during our years in France, the months preceding the most severe RLS symptoms & sleep deprivation were possibly the most stressful of all. Long term interpersonal tension will wear me down more than any other issue in life, and this was my daily reality as a leader in the Namestan team. Not that it needed to be this way; I was too easily drawn into playing the role of a referee rather than that of a leader - and I wanted to please everyone involved. This, of course, is impossible. I'm also realizing that I have always found it difficult to stand up to others' inappropriate behavior, such as passive-aggression, blame shifting, or total self-absorption. When confronted with how their behavior is negatively affecting those around them, these folks would often have a strong emotional reaction and label my comments as "inappropriate" - all the while being totally blind & deaf to the wounds they were daily inflicting on everyone who had the misfortune of crossing their path.
None of us enjoys being confronted by our own self-centeredness, but the only path to freedom and joy is through understanding who we really are - the good, the bad and the ugly. Some call this "the last 10%", meaning that people will be "mostly" honest with us, but there are always those areas of our lives that everyone can see, but no one will address. Maybe it's our anger problem, or that we want to control everyone around us, or that we use emotional manipulation to get our way. The journey we've been on this past year has shown me some of those blind spots in my own heart - and one of the big ones is that I want to live at peace with those around me. This isn't a problem in and of itself, but it becomes an issue when my desire for peace means that I take responsibility for others' "stuff". When someone comes back at me with anger or emotion, I'll apologize just to keep the peace - when it isn't mine to own. Sometimes you just have to be willing to live with the fact that people will get mad when their sin is brought into the light, and some will choose to walk away, quit, or stab you in the back. I can't be responsible for their choices or their responses - and in many such situations the most effective response I could have given would have simply been silence. I hate silence, and I will always tend to fill it up with meaningless words (blah, blah, blah) - but the Spirit of God actually needs silence sometimes to get through to our hearts.
I was challenged yesterday when a friend sent me a text message that simply said, "2 Cor 6:2-6". Since I don't know the passage by heart (gasp!), I had to look it up. It hit me between the eyes. Here's the pertinent part:
"We urge you not to receive the grace of God in vain... giving no cause for offense in anything, so that the ministry will not be discredited, but in everything commending ourselves as servants of God, in much endurance, in afflictions, in hardships, in distresses, in beatings, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labors, in sleeplessness, in hunger..." and the list goes on. I've never noticed that passage before, but it sure hits home now! I need to think about this one some more - but God wants me to live with my sleeplessness in such a way as to give no cause for offense and commend myself as His servant. Give me strength Lord! I've been seeing this trial as unfair and unreasonable . . . but I want to see it through God's eyes. I can't get there by myself Lord - I need your help.
I reread my journal from 2007, and the first time I wrote anything about Restless Legs was in July of that year. Our of curiosity I read further back to see what was going on in my life at that time, that may have contributed to the onslaught of RLS (some research indicates a link between stress and RLS symptoms). While I was never free from stress during our years in France, the months preceding the most severe RLS symptoms & sleep deprivation were possibly the most stressful of all. Long term interpersonal tension will wear me down more than any other issue in life, and this was my daily reality as a leader in the Namestan team. Not that it needed to be this way; I was too easily drawn into playing the role of a referee rather than that of a leader - and I wanted to please everyone involved. This, of course, is impossible. I'm also realizing that I have always found it difficult to stand up to others' inappropriate behavior, such as passive-aggression, blame shifting, or total self-absorption. When confronted with how their behavior is negatively affecting those around them, these folks would often have a strong emotional reaction and label my comments as "inappropriate" - all the while being totally blind & deaf to the wounds they were daily inflicting on everyone who had the misfortune of crossing their path.
None of us enjoys being confronted by our own self-centeredness, but the only path to freedom and joy is through understanding who we really are - the good, the bad and the ugly. Some call this "the last 10%", meaning that people will be "mostly" honest with us, but there are always those areas of our lives that everyone can see, but no one will address. Maybe it's our anger problem, or that we want to control everyone around us, or that we use emotional manipulation to get our way. The journey we've been on this past year has shown me some of those blind spots in my own heart - and one of the big ones is that I want to live at peace with those around me. This isn't a problem in and of itself, but it becomes an issue when my desire for peace means that I take responsibility for others' "stuff". When someone comes back at me with anger or emotion, I'll apologize just to keep the peace - when it isn't mine to own. Sometimes you just have to be willing to live with the fact that people will get mad when their sin is brought into the light, and some will choose to walk away, quit, or stab you in the back. I can't be responsible for their choices or their responses - and in many such situations the most effective response I could have given would have simply been silence. I hate silence, and I will always tend to fill it up with meaningless words (blah, blah, blah) - but the Spirit of God actually needs silence sometimes to get through to our hearts.
I was challenged yesterday when a friend sent me a text message that simply said, "2 Cor 6:2-6". Since I don't know the passage by heart (gasp!), I had to look it up. It hit me between the eyes. Here's the pertinent part:
"We urge you not to receive the grace of God in vain... giving no cause for offense in anything, so that the ministry will not be discredited, but in everything commending ourselves as servants of God, in much endurance, in afflictions, in hardships, in distresses, in beatings, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labors, in sleeplessness, in hunger..." and the list goes on. I've never noticed that passage before, but it sure hits home now! I need to think about this one some more - but God wants me to live with my sleeplessness in such a way as to give no cause for offense and commend myself as His servant. Give me strength Lord! I've been seeing this trial as unfair and unreasonable . . . but I want to see it through God's eyes. I can't get there by myself Lord - I need your help.
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