Some sadness

I’m writing this from St. Louis Missouri where I’m working with the security team for the 2009 Urbana Student Missions Conference.  Cricon (Crisis Consulting International) has handled security for this conference since 1993.  We have fourteen on our team, most of them current or former law enforcement – so I’m one of the only ones not carrying a weapon.  Actually, in all the years CCI has been running security for this conference they have never needed to draw a weapon.  I was talking to a couple of the guys on the security team and I made the remark that in any other crowd of 17,000 people we would have multiple incidents each session (fights, drunken disorderliness etc); it’s a testimony to the Lord’s presence here that the conference runs so smoothly.  Each night after the last session we divide into teams to patrol the routes that the participants walk to get back to their hotels, just to be sure they make it safely.  Last night one of our teams was flagged down by some of the students who were concerned about a woman who was "sick" and needed help.  She was sick alright... and stone drunk.  The guys took away her car keys (she wasn't from the conference) and stayed with her until the Saint Louis cops arrived to take over.

Being here has been a strange experience for me.  I was just attending a seminar called “Islamic Terrorism – How Shall We Then Live?”   As I was listening to the speaker describe the current situation in the Middle East, I was surprised by the feelings of grief that welled up in my heart that we are no longer involved in NAMESTAN.  I thought to myself “I could be teaching this seminar” – not in a prideful way, but it felt strange to be present as a member of the security team and not one of those involved in running the seminars.  I don’t doubt the Lord’s leading for us to return to the States, but it is still a hard reality for me to emotionally accept that in our “new life” here I have no status or recognition.  There are aspects of being known only for who we are and not what we do that are both refreshing and encouraging.  But I guess I wasn’t expecting the feelings of sadness that well up from time to time.  I’ve watched our girls as they have been navigating the waters of reverse culture shock, thinking that I had managed to remain unscathed by all our transitions.  I was wrong.  I love Colorado, and we love living in the mountains  - that’s not the issue.  I guess these are some of the harder realities that come with a mid-career change.

    



About a week before Christmas we joined our friend Kathy for some Cowboy Caroling down the hill in the town of Golden.  We thought it was an annual event, but we found out later that this was the first time they tried it  - no wonder the neighbors were so surprised to see a bunch of singing cowboys and cowgirls show up in front of their homes!  It was a lot of fun, and the singing wasn’t half bad for a bunch of people who had never practiced singing together.  There weren’t enough horses for all the singers, so Daphne took pictures while I rang the doorbells.  There was even a Christmas parrot that joined the parade.  A few days later Jacqueline and I went ice-skating on Evergreen lake – our first time to skate on anything but an ice-rink where there are walls to hold on to.  Actually, we found out it was easier to skate BECAUSE there were no walls to hold on to.  Of course, the bruise on my left hip will remain with me as a reminder that I am still not a competent skater, but it was worth it to have time with Jacqueline.

Colorado Christmas

     The fire is crackling in the fireplace, the sun is shining, and we all slept in late - life is good ;)

     We had a really funny situation last night.  We were invited over for dinner with our new friends Tim and Kathy, and Kathy had invited two other couples to meet us as well.  We arrived around 6:30, and Tim met us at the door and said something like, "Come on in. We're pretty laid back this evening".  We went upstairs and Kathy met us in sweatpants with a paintbrush in her hand.  She had a funny look on her face - and it was one of those awkward moments when you suddenly realize that you came on the wrong evening.  We all started laughing, and Tim said, "Well, since you're here, why don't we order some pizzas and watch a movie!"  It was hilarious, and their relaxed attitude immediately relieved our embarrassment.  We stayed until almost 10 pm, and tonight we're going back for the replay :)

     Tim and I went out to pick up some pizzas, and of course we had to stop by the store to buy some beer first (after all, that's what you do in America, right?).  I can't remember what we were talking about, but as we got out of the car I said said something like, "I'm still trying to figure it out..."  There was a woman standing outside the store smoking a cigarette, and she said in her gravely voice, "Hey, when you get it figured out, let me know - 'cause I'm still trying to get it all figured out!".  We ended up on the same aisle inside the store, and Tim and I watched in amazement as she picked up two cartons of 30 cans of beer each.  I asked her (tongue in cheek) if she thought she could make due with only 60 cans.  "After the day I've had," She said, "I'll probably drink one whole carton tonight."  We checked out, then drove around the corner to pick up a couple of pizzas.  We were standing there waiting for our order, and the same lady walked in.  Tim looked at her and said, "Are you stalking us?"  We laughed, and I turned to the cashier and said, "She'll probably be ordering four pizzas for herself."  As we left Tim said to her in passing "We're going back to my house now - see you there."  I loved it.  It was a great example of the small-town atmosphere that we so much enjoy.

    Our shipment arrived two days ago, and our friend Sharon came with a U-Haul to pick up her belongings from the container,  along with a couple of guys from her church.  There's still quite a bit of snow on the ground, and the truck driver tried unsuccessfully about 10 times to back the truck into our driveway.  They even put chains on the tires - but no luck.  He finally drove straight in, and we got the whole thing unloaded with no personal injuries or broken furniture.  Our only regret is that we'll have to load it all up again to move to our new home in the next month or two.

     I spent last Thursday evening with two men from the church.  The normal men's group had been cancelled, so I suggested to these two guys that we meet for some fellowship.  I've mentioned them in a previous blog:  Scott and Carrie are the couple who've lost three of their four children in the past five years - two by motorcycle accident in 2004, and the third who died December 27th two years ago - at age 17.   This will be the first Christmas since their son Chris's death that they will remain home for Christmas; the last two years they left home because the pain was simply too great to bear.  Ted is the fellow who's lost virtually everything he has in the past two years - his home in Maryland, his ability to work through an accident a year ago this month, and he's estranged from all three of his sons.  He and his wife Bea live in a two room cabin that they're heating with the wood stove, and they struggle to pay the $600 rent each month.  You know, every time I'm tempted to have a pity party for myself the Lord introduces me to people who are living through pain that I can scarcely imagine.  Their reality just seems to bring life into focus.

      As we sat in Scott's living room talking and crying together, I told them how amazing it is that this Christmas will be so significant for all three of our families - for different reasons, and in different circumstances - and yet we have the opportunity to care for one another during what can be a very difficult Christmas season.  There's just something very healing in that thought.

     God really does love us, and He really does care how His children feel;  I can see this in how He has brought us together with these two families, with Tim and Kathy, and with this church.  I am a grateful man.

   I  just returned from a driving lesson with Karine, and we came upon these beautiful deer - what a great place to live.

Life Below Zero

     Well, we sure picked the winter to arrive in Colorado!  The past few days have seen some of the coldest temperatures on record, and it is not unusual for the thermometer on the car to read -15 degrees when I take the girls to the bus stop at 6 am.  There's a winter weather alert for our area this morning due to high winds, blowing snow and a wind-chill factor down to -20.  We're very grateful to have a home to rent, but our tolerance for the cold is being tested as the boiler has been shutting down due to frozen pipes and other problems I haven't been able to figure out.  Most mornings we wake up to the thermostat showing 54 or 55 degrees Fahrenheit,  and I'm getting used to rising before 5am to light a fire in the fireplace so at least the living room is a little warm for Daphne and the girls when they get up.  I'm not complaining really - we're just learning how 'mountain folk' manage to survive and thrive up here.


I've been compiling a running list of what it's like to live life below zero:

1. When going outside for any reason, always wear every piece of warm clothing you have in your possession.  It's tempting to think, "I'll be in my warm car"... and then you see three cars on the side of the road that have spun-out on the ice - and the owner standing outside trying to figure out how to get his/her car back on the road.  Kind of embarassing if you're only wearing your pyjamas and a winter coat!

2. Steps to filling up your car at the gas station:

a. Get out of the car, swipe your credit card, try to push the buttons with your gloves on but the machine can't detect through the gloves.
b. Take off your gloves and push the buttons again... and then see on the screen "operation timed-out".
c. Start all over again - by which time you can't feel your nose or fingers anymore.
d. Get the pump running, jump back in the car and wait until you hear the "clunk" that tells you the tank's full.
e. Get out of the car and put the hose back in its place, jump back in the car, then realize that in your hurry to get warm again you forgot to close the gas cap.
f. Get back out, close the gas cap, jump back in the car and drive away.

3.  Dixie.  For some reason, when it's well below zero and the wind is blowing snow across the porch, Dixie doesn't seem inclined to go outside to "do her business".  Can't figure that one out.  I actually shoveled a pathway (see shoveling snow below) from the front door, around the deck and out to the yard to simplify her life, but she doesn't appreciate all my hard work.  So we have little yellow stains in the snow right outside the front and back doors.  She has a little 'jacket' that Nicole bought for her, and she's content to wear it 24/7 - indoors and out of doors.  Actually, she's adapted pretty well to life in the mountains.

4. Shoveling snow. After shoveling the driveway a couple of times, I now understand why 'real' men buy a four-wheel all terrain vehicle (like a motorcycle on steroids) with a snow plow on the front.  If you don't shovel the snow when it's fresh and light, you'll have to shovel snow AND a layer of ice that's formed beneath the snow.  At 8,800 feet in altitude, you can work up a pretty good sweat - even below zero.

5.  Conversations.  Start every conversation - whether at the bank, with the cashier at the grocery store, with acquaintances you meet - with the sentence:  "Boy, it sure is cold outside!"  And you end every sentence with, "Stay warm!"   Easy for you to say, you've got a boiler that works!

We love living in the mountains!


 

We've Been Adopted

     Jacqueline's made a new friend at school.  Her name is Sabrine, and she has a French mother and American father.  When she found out that Jacqueline speaks French she was so excited, and asked her for our phone number.  To our surprise, her mother Kathy (Katrine) called Daphne last Thursday and they spoke for over 30 minutes in French.  Kathy invited us over for dinner Friday evening, and she invited another friend named Rachel with her two daughters.  We had a wonderful evening, and the girls immediately hit it off with Kathy's & Rachel's daughters and Kathy's son Vincent.  Kathy's husband Tim shares my love of hunting and fly fishing, so we had plenty to talk about together.  Kathy is an amazing blend of French and American at the same time - and we hit it off immediately.  They have two horses of their own, and when Kathy heard that our girls love horses she suggested that we meet up again at the annual Conifer Christmas Parade yesterday, then come back over to their house to "meet" her horses Dakota and Calypso.

     We went to the parade and absolutely loved it.  Many of the local businesses, cub scouts, clubs etc had their own floats, and it was a great "community" experience.  In Conifer, Santa and Mrs Claus ride on a red firetruck!  It was great fun, and we met up with Kathy, Sabrine and Rachel at the parade.  It was a glorious, sunny day - all the more amazing since another winter storm has set in today.

I have to show you a few pictures from the parade, just so you get a flavor of the Conifer culture.  There were lots of horses, dogs, vintage vehicles, a tractor, and plenty of candy handed out along the way.  The parade route was about a mile long, and it seemed like the whole town was out to watch the festivities. After the parade was over we drove back to Kathy's house and met her two horses.  She and Tim had never owned horses, and she learned everything she knows (and she knows a lot) from reading books and through an Australian horse trainer who lives here in Denver.  Kathy wanted to give us some of the Elk meat from Tim's last kill, so we went back to her house - and ended up staying for lunch and didn't head for home until about 5pm.  Kathy shared with us that she's had two battles with breast cancer over the past several years, and I was amazed at her openness and vulnerability.  At one point Tim said, "I've got to tell you, this is the first time we've entertained in probably over a year due to Kathy's chemo and recovery."  The most amazing part is that Kathy pursued us - we had nothing to do with it.  Tim asked me how we ended up in Colorado - which led to a lengthy explanation as you can well imagine.  We told them about the dual miracles of our house and car being sold only days before our departure, and how we somehow 'knew' that God was going to come through.

We don't know if Tim and Kathy are Christians; but after we finished our story Kathy said, "I am really moved by what you've said, because not long after Sabrine met Jacqueline she came to me and said, 'Mommy, I think God has answered my prayers for a friend,'"  Daphne and I looked at one another, and I'm sure we had the exact same thought - God is so good.  We were both immediately reminded of how God brought us a friendship with our dear friends Jacques and Marie in France - and in much the same way they pursued us and adopted us, and have become life-long friends. 

There is a house for sale across the street from their home, and we asked our realtor (Bob) if he could show it to us yesterday evening.  At 5pm Daphne and I met Bob at the house, and I told him that we have some friends who live in the house across the way.  Bob's reply was, "Boy, you guys are sure making friends left and right!"  You know, he's right, and it's all a gift from the Lord.

Last night I decided to go to a men's group from the church we've been attending.  It was bitter cold last night - somewhere around -8 degrees Fahrenheit, and only five of us showed up.  When I arrived, one of the guys - Ted - was sharing how he'd injured himself last year while working at a bison ranch near here in Evergreen.  That led to some hunting and fishing stories, and one guy talked about hunting elk  near his home last month, and he came upon two mountain lions on a fresh deer kill.  He tried to show us how he beat a hasty retreat walking backwards - he looked like a bad imitation of Michael Jackson doing the Moon Walk.  After awhile Dave, the group leader, asked an open question: the motto of the group is a Latin phrase meaning "To Be, and not simply to Exist" - so what did we think it means?  Tom was the first one to speak up.  Now, I have to describe Tom before I say what he wanted to share.  He is about fifty, shaved head, a goatee beard and two earrings... and he absolutely exudes the joy of the Lord.  He and his wife have seven children (she's Greek, so that makes sense).  For many years he was in a heavy metal band in L.A. - wearing spandex pants and both using and dealing crack cocaine.  After the Lord saved him in a dramatic way about 20 years ago, he decided that playing the guitar in a rock band was stupid, and he stopped playing altogether.  Until very recently, his two youngest kids didn't even know that he played the guitar.  When they found this church a few months ago, he had another supernatural experience with the Lord.  One Sunday he felt the Lord say to him in a very clear way, "I want you to play in this worship band."  After a fast of over 17 years he picked the guitar back up, and much to his surprise he was playing just like before after only a couple of days.  He's now realized that playing the guitar is a gift from the Lord, and he is SO excited and full of joy!

     Before Tom even finished sharing, Ted (Buffalo cowboy) butted in and said, "You have no idea how your playing influenced my wife and I!"  He went on to explain that he and his wife had moved to Colorado from Missouri two years ago to serve with a Christian ministry here.  They sold their home and all their belongings and came here - only to discover within a short time that the whole "ministry" was a sham.  When he confronted the Pastor of the church about issues of obvious sin and cover-up, they were kicked out of the meeting and out of their church-provided home.  They lost all that they had, and were now homeless.  Another couple who'd also left the church took them in for several weeks until Ted could find some kind of work - Ted calls them their "Angels of Mercy".  He found the Buffalo Cowboy job and everything seemed to be going well, until he had his accident and was no longer able to work.  For the past year he and his wife have been struggling to find work and make ends meet, wondering why in the world the Lord had allowed all this to happen.  A couple of weeks ago they saw a sign for the church and decided to visit.  For some reason the worship music touched both of them deeply, and Ted went up to Tom after the service to thank him for being used of the Lord to encourage his heart.  Of course, there was no way that either man could know (until last night) the whole story of how the Holy Spirit had touched both of their lives.

     I decided to jump in and share that we had just resigned from 20 years with the same organization, and that we are in the midst of the most significant transition of our lives.  I briefly explained the story of my own experience with burn-out and how the Lord met with us this past summer through the counseling, and through long periods of reflection and prayer together.  For some reason, as I opened my heart to these men whom I'd never met, I felt enormous emotion welling up inside me and I nearly burst into tears.  Of course, true to form as a man I was able to choke back the dam that seemed about to break inside me.  What struck me though was the obvious feeling of safety that every man around the table felt, and that allowed us to be 'real' with each other.  I know the Lord is still gently pushing and prodding me to take the risk of allowing the depth of my emotion to show, rather than feeling the need to stuff it down inside. 

     The last man to share is named Scott, and his story blew everything else out of the water.  As Scott started to speak, Dave said to the rest of us, "Hold on!"   He was the only one in the group who knew what was coming.   Scott is the only in the group who is a true Colorado "Native" - having lived here his entire life. For many years Scott served as the President of the Search and Rescue team for Park County (where he lives) and the neighboring Jefferson County, before moving into the field of computer technology.  He and his wife had four children - two girls and two boys, and both boys (I assume twins) were born with the terminal illness of Cystic Fibrosis.  At age 14 his son Shaun declared that he was not going to die of this disease, and that he was going to join the military at age 18.  Scott tried to give his son a dose of reality, knowing that Shaun would never be accepted because of his chronic illness.  Well, Shaun proved everyone wrong and became the first Cystic Fibrosis sufferer to ever be accepted in the U.S. military.  He chose the arduous option of becoming a paratrooper, and successfully completed both his basic training and paratrooper school.  In 2004 Shaun was home on leave and took his little sister out for a ride on his motorcycle.  While traveling at high speed he hit a patch of loose gravel, and slid into the line of oncoming traffic.  Both he and his little sister were killed instantly.  The four of us, all husbands and fathers, sat there stunned as Scott shared this most life-shattering experience we could ever imagine.  He said that the funeral procession of cars was over a mile long, and some 800 people came to show their support for Scott and his family.  I wish I could say that his heart-wrenching story ended there - but it didn't.  Scott said that the church they were attending at the time was a wonderful help right up to the memorial service... and then everyone simply disappeared.  He and his wife felt like they had leprosy, because no one would speak to them or reach out to them in their pain and sorrow.  Their experience of being "shunned" in the midst of their most desperate moment is sadly all too common, as most of us are wrapped up in our own issues and we lean away from others' pain, rather than leaning into it with comfort and shared sorrow. 

    Shaun's brother never really recovered from the shock and sorrow of losing his only brother.  He went into a period of deep rebellion, and then - unbelievably - took his own life in 2006.  I couldn't believe my ears.  I felt like I was sitting in the presence of Job as he recounted the loss of all those he held dear in life.  Scott said that three years down the road he and his wife are just barely beginning to climb out of their intense sorrow and sense of loss.  As we ended our memorable evening together, Scott (through tears) made this statement: "As I have listened to what you've all shared, I believe that God is doing something very significant in this community, and this evening is no accident." 

     I'm sure he's right, and God just gave me another glimpse of why He has brought us here.

First Colorado Thanksgiving

     This Thanksgiving will always be remembered by our family as our first in Colorado, and our first with my sister Cathi and her family.  I am dumbfounded by all that has transpired in our lives since our last Thanksgiving in France a year ago.  We could NEVER have imagined that one year later I would have resigned from my roles in Namestan, resigned from CCC, and that we would be re-settled in Colorado.  The events of the past 12 months could only have been coordinated by a Sovereign, Loving God who was always a hundred steps ahead of us, leading us one day at a time through an incredible labyrinth of unexpected turns, secret passageways, and wonderful surprises.  As the popular song says, "We stand in awe of you." 

     We are grateful for a myriad of miracles that God has performed in our lives this past year:

 - The miracle He performed in my life through my experience of burn-out, and the resulting healing and freedom He brought to my heart and soul.
-  The miracle that we were in France when I hit the wall when we should have been in South Africa, and that our friends Scott and Mary Petersen were in France when they should have been in the States on furlough.  They were the Angels of Mercy sent by the Holy Spirit to walk with us through our life-changing summer.
-  The miracle of God's provision for our every need this past summer through our time of counseling.
-  The miracle of both our home and our car being sold in our final five days in France.
-  The miracle of God's provision of a month-by-month house rental here in Bailey.  Our landlord spent the first three days of this week fixing every problem that needed attention - he even got the hot tub working!
-  God's provision of two 4x4 vehicles at a very reasonable cost.
-  God's confirmation through our approval to serve under Mountain Movers International, and my acceptance to the graduate program at Walden University.
-  God's provision of a local body of believers that meets in the girls' high school; we're among the oldest in the church, but we love Mike's teaching and the "risky" spirit that permeates the whole church.

     We serve an awesome God! 

     Yesterday I read a passage in Matthew 11 that puzzled me greatly:

"And when John had heard in prison about the works of Christ, he sent two of his disciples and said to Him, 'Are you the Coming One, or do we look for another?'  Jesus answered and said to them, 'Go and tell John the things which you hear and see: The blind see and the lame walk; the lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear; the dead are raised up and the poor have the gospel preached to them.  And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me."

     Here is John, Jesus' first cousin and the prophesied forerunner of the Coming One apparently struggling with doubts about Jesus' true identity.  How could that be?  John had preached fearlessly of the coming Messiah, and against the prevalent sins of his day.  He even stood boldly and at great risk to himself against King Herod's sin - and landed up in prison for his efforts.  Jesus Himself gave John the highest honor ever given to a man when he said, "Assuredly, I say to you, among those born of women there has not risen one greater than John the Baptist...".  So, what was going on with John? 

     Here is what I imagine was happening in John's heart, and what so often happens with us as well when we're faced with unexpected and discouraging circumstances:  John knew without a doubt that Jesus was the Messiah and Savior of the World.  His entire ministry was devoted to preparing the way for Jesus - a man he'd known his entire life.  I can't imagine that John really doubted Jesus' identity, but suddenly John lands up in prison after confronting Herod - and His cousin Jesus, the Creator of the Universe and the Son of God.... isn't doing anything about it.  John will eventually die at Herod's hand, and although Jesus is clearly deeply grieved by John's death, He never intervenes on John's behalf.

    I believe this is why Jesus said to John's disciples "Blessed is He who is not offended because of me".  We do get offended at Him, don't we?  I know I do.  I get offended when things don't go the way I want or expect them to.  I get offended when Jesus apparently doesn't intervene on my behalf, and I am forced to WAIT or even to change my plans.  I get offended at Jesus when He doesn't work in other people's lives like I'm asking Him to.  When John's disciples asked the question, Jesus didn't actually give a direct answer; He just said, in effect, "Just remind John that He really does know me.  He knows that my heart is for serving, and healing, and loving... and I don't really need to give him any other answer, do I?" 

     So while we're in what seems like an eternal waiting mode for the closing of our home in France, and to really get launched into our new venture here... He's reminding me to remember His heart.

Time to buy a baseball bat

I received word today from Walden University that I have been accepted into the Master of Science in Psychology program, with an emphasis in Terrrorism and Security.   No, not a Masters in Terrorism - that degree program is only offered in Afghanistan. 

We have also been approved by the Board of Directors of Mountain Movers International as a new ministry strategy.  Each of these pieces that falls into place helps us to feel a little more settled, and more "at home" here in Colorado.  Yesterday Daphne and I changed our drivers licenses from Alabama to Colorado; take an eye test and pay $21, and "voila", we're official Colorado residents.  We've been amused at how often the locals remark on our lack of a a Southern accent when they see our Alabama licenses -- I've given up trying to explain where we've come from.

Yesterday we bought a car for Daphne - a 2002 Chevy Blazer.  We went to this dealership on Monday to look over their used cars and asked to test-drive the Blazer.  When they went to get the key it was missing from the board, and we sat there for 15 minutes while they turned the place upside down looking for the it, to no avail.   It took another 30 minutes for the "key guy" to come and cut a new key for the car, and while we waited I joked with the salesmen that they would owe me "big time" for making us wait.  We took it for a test drive, but when I put it into 4WD  we heard a terrible rattling noise from somewhere underneath.  We drove it back to the dealership and I told them they were 0 for 2 (football lingo meaning zero wins and two losses).  We looked around the lot some more and found a Ford Explorer we liked, but we didn't even get off the lot before I discovered that the electronic 4WD switch didn't work.  0 for 3. By this time they were thoroughly embarrassed, and I said they would have to give me a car for free now.  We actually enjoyed joking with the salesmen, and by the next day they'd fixed the problem on the Blazer and we picked it up yesterday.  They even threw in a set of snow tires to sweeten the deal, so Daphne is now ready for the next winter storm.

A couple of nights ago an upper-classman, a young man, called Karine on the phone and they talked for about 30 minutes.  Then yesterday two guys asked her out on a date - well, one did, and the other wimp asked a friend to ask Karine out on his behalf.  We've made it clear to Karine that we're not ready for her to start dating yet, but I'm still somewhat shocked that after less than two weeks the sharks have started circling.  Time to buy my baseball bat.  Karine and I had a good talk after her phone call the other evening, and she was trying to convince me that Kevin was only interested in being her "buddy".  Some things may have changed in America since I left 20 years ago... but some things will never change.  I was a hot-blooded young man in my time, and I know what I was interested in then!   Later that evening after the girls were in bed Daphne said to me, "Well, that won't be the last conversation you'll have on this topic with your eldest daughter!"  Wow, for some reason we never dealt with this issue in France, probably because Karine wasn't interested in going out with any of the guys in her school anyway.  I told Karine that we don't mind her going out for group activities with her friends, but only after the designated driver calls me on the phone and convinces me that he/she is a safe driver.  OK, I'm probably being Victorian here, but these are the only daughters I have.

       Any counsel from the fathers out there who have lived through the teenage years with  daughters??

Thought you might enjoy a few pictures of our new adopted home!

 

 

Bailey Colorado & Brokenness

     We're supposed to get some snow this weekend.  With all the adjustments of a new house, new school, new friends, new church... a little winter magic ] always helps to lift our spirits.  After 10 days in Colorado, we're slowly but surely adapting to the altitude and to life in the mountains.  Last night I called a number from a local online bulletin board about some firewood - and spent the next 30 minutes on the phone with Ron, a retired veteran who supplements his social security income by cutting and delivering firewood.  When he found out we're new to the area, his response was, " Well, I've been here 30 years, and let me teach you a few things about living in the mountains."  Of course, it didn't matter that I hadn't asked for a free telephone lesson, but I honestly enjoyed his ramblings about where to look for a home, to be aware of northern exposure properties (much more snow), where the cheapest property taxes are etc.  He's willing to help me out with some wood to "get by" on if I'll come and help him cut and stack firewood for half a day - I love it.  

     Yesterday Daphne and I had a long lunch with Mike and Amy.  Mike is the pastor of The Journey Community Church that meets in the Conifer High School cafeteria.  I quickly found my heart drawn to Mike's last Sunday as he answered questions from their podcast audience; he was honest, transparent and vulnerable about his own shortcomings and struggles.  The whole church staff - other than Mike and Amy - are under 30.  When they decided to launch a church plant in the Denver area their whole team decided to pool their resources and live in the same apartment building - and over a year later they're still there.  As a team they now manage three apartment buildings, and they've started a coffee shop and a thrift store as well.  The combined income generated these businesses has not only helped the church stay afloat, but they've been able to help many in the local community who have been hard-hit by the recession.

     I admit that it all sounded a little "cultish" at first, but as Mike explained their vision about wanting to stay in close contact with each other, and grow deeper in their relationships as a church staff, I grew to appreciate their vision.  Any group of people who can work and live in close proximity to each other for an extended period of time - with all the inevitable relational struggles - and still demonstrate love and and a genuine sense of community have my admiration. 


     This first week of school has overall been a good one for the girls - even with a good dose of anxiety and loneliness thrown in.  We recognize that they are pulling the heaviest load of this move to Colorado by arriving three months into the school year to a new school and a whole new philosophy of education.  We told them a couple of nights ago how proud we are of each one of them - for their courage, their willing hearts, and even their transparency with us in the midst of the most significant and difficult transition we have ever faced as a family.
Yesterday we faced our first real test.  One of the girls experienced a total melt-down in the morning about going to school, and after a very tense and emotional discussion she stayed home while the rest of us left for the day.  I confess that it shook me deeply, and throughout the day I found myself struggling with fear and anxiety:  were we on our way down the road of teenage rebellion and defiance?  When we got home, we were greeted by a very repentant and embarrassed daughter who was grieved by her own behavior.  My heart went from anger to compassion in about one minute.  We gathered together on our bed in a family pow-wow, and we all agreed that whatever happens - and no matter how hard our lives may become - we have to stay together as a family.  We are all we have to hold on to right now.  It was one of the sweetest, most significant discussions we've ever had as a family - and once more I thank the Lord for the journey we are on.  Exciting, scary, emotional, wonderful, overwhelming... and at every turn we meet the Good Shepherd with a big grin on His face, encouraging us to hang on for the ride.




BROKENNESS


     My Dad asked me what thoughts I have on brokenness as he prepares to give a devotional in Orlando next week.  Well, I do have some thoughts.  I recently listened to a sermon (recommended by my brother John) by Tim Keller on the Prodigal Son.  One of the points he made that has stuck with me ever since is that God not only desires for us to repent when convicted of sin... but His desire is for us to live LIVES OF REPENTANCE & BROKENNESS.  There is a world of difference between a person who repents, and a repentant person.  Why does God love brokenness so much?  Why do the scriptures abound with examples of broken vessels being used mightily by God (Moses, Elijah, David, Paul)?  Could it be that only a broken vessel is a truly useful vessel?


     Repentance and Brokenness are not a one-time experience in the life of a believer.  It seems that God brings us repeatedly to the altar of brokenness throughout our lives, and these moments of deep sorrow and repentance appear to become more and more frequent the older we grow with the Lord - to the point that we're living as broken people, but people whom the Lord can use greatly.  The more we get out of the way, the more He uses us - what a paradox.  I confess: I don't enjoy the "altar" moments in my life. They are so often painful and humiliating, and my pride takes a hit every time.  And yet the more my heart is broken, the more He seems to use me.  And you know what the craziest part of all is?  The times He uses me the most are the times I am most unaware that He is using me at all.  


     As believers we've learned to "play the game" with one another, meaning we know what words to use, or what facial expressions or tone of voice most communicate sorrow or remorse.  And the scary part is that we can actually convince ourselves that we really ARE sorrowful or remorseful - yet without ever reaching true brokenness.  We're really only deceiving ourselves because the person across from us can read us like a book, and we all have an internal, God-given sense of what real repentance and brokenness look and "feel" like in others.  We just aren't as perceptive about our own hearts.  So what does a broken, repentant person look like?


-  a life characterized by humility
-  an almost total lack of defensiveness when confronted by others.  A repentant person knows that he screws up - and there's nothing to hide.  God is his/her defender.

-  A life that is both inward focused and outward focused:  inward, because we know who we ARE and who we ARE NOT.  Outward, because we long to show the same love and care for others that God has demonstrated towards us. 
 - A teachable heart that is always learning and always growing.
-  A LONG hesitation before giving advice or counsel to others, because he/she knows that the Holy Spirit is the best teacher in the world, and what we have to say is only useful when inspired by Him.  And as I said above, we most often don't even know when He is choosing to use us.
-  And most of all - a life characterized by a deep, deep trust and friendship with Jesus.  There is great strength and moral fortitude in the heart of one who's heart is bound up with Jesus.  No need to perform.  No need to prove anything.  Just a continual amazement that God would even want to use us at all. 

Five Swinging Pendulums

     We landed in Denver three days ago - all eight of us (including Dixie, Dusty and Cuddles).  The flights were ALMOST without incident; cuddles did relieve herself in her carry bag while we were in transit in Washington, but after more than 10 hours stuck in a claustrophobic's worst nightmare I guess I can't blame her.

     I've been up like clock-work at 3 am every morning so far, doing the jet-lag dance.  The only problem is I'm the only one dancing.  We went to our favorite restaurant for lunch on Tuesday (Cracker Barrel, of course), then to Billy Bob's favorite store (Wal-Mart).  The first time we ventured out of the house, Karine got her first glimpse of the snow covered Rockies and exclaimed, "Wow! I can't believe we're going to live here!" 

     All three girls are swinging like pendulums from sheer excitement and joy - to anger, sorrow and grief over leaving their friends and all that is familiar.  If I'm honest, Daphne and I are doing our share of swinging as well.  God always seems to lead us from one faith challenge to an even bigger faith challenge - and each time our circle of comfort expands significantly.  Well, true to form, this move has stretched us so far beyond our comfort zone that we don't even remember where the boundary line used to be.  And all the while the Lord keeps meeting us at our point of need in supernatural ways.  I am still amazed at how He brought a buyer for both our house and our car in our last four days in France - never too early and never too late.

     I've realized something else as well:  at each step in our journey we've reached a point of "pregnant pause" when have seen the Lord working, and our faith is growing, and suddenly we encounter a "hiccup" and the whole thing seems in danger of collapsing.  Big decision time: do we jump in and try to work it out ourselves, bail, or keep trusting and hang on for dear life?  It happened with our shipment when we had to leave most of our furniture behind because there wasn't room in the container.  It happened with the house when the first buyer backed out.  It happened with my future career path when Bob Klamser from CCI didn't contact me for almost a month.  It happened again yesterday.  We were on our way to show the girls the two schools in Conifer, and I called the counselor at the Middle School to ask about enrollment for Jacqueline.  When she heard that our temporary address will be in another school district, she said that Jacqueline wouldn't be able to attend until we actually move to Conifer.  I got off the phone, and actually started laughing.  When Daph and the girls asked what was going on, I replied, "Well, we have another opportunity to trust the Lord!"

 

     When we got to Conifer High School we had a great meeting with the guidance counselor, who showed us all around the school and patiently answered all the girl's questions.  Just before we left his office the school Principal walked in.  After introducing us, Justin (the counselor) told him that we would be temporarily living in the Bailey school district, but that our desire is to attend Conifer High School.  Would it be a problem?  He immediately said "absolutely not" and explained that it is completely his decision whether or not to accept students from outside Conifer, and that he's excited about our girls joining his school (Yea God!).  We mentioned our concern about Jacqueline getting into the Middle School, and he said, "Don't worry about it.  I'll call Frank (Middle School Principle) and work it out".  One more step down the mountain.

     One funny, small town experience happened when we walked into the Middle School later in the afternoon. We spoke to the receptionist about getting an enrollment packet for Jacqueline, but when she found out we were from France she got so excited and started peppering the girls with questions.  We started to explain what our plans are when a woman walked up behind us and said, "They're from France, and the two older girls will be attending the High School, and they're moving to Conifer".  When she saw our surprise, she added, "I'm following you... I was at the High School when you were there earlier today."  Our girls have been completely overwhelmed by the friendliness and openness we have encountered here - and they're just waiting for the penney to drop when people will start acting "normal" like in France - reserved and somewhat stern.  They're convinced that people here are just faking it because we're new.  This is what you call Reverse Culture Shock, and it brings back so many memories of when I first returned to America for college.

     One of our most daunting challenges has been to find temporary and (more importantly) affordable housing in the Conifer area, while we wait for the sale of our house to close in France.  We will be paying double rent until we close sometime in early January.  Since what furniture we own is in a container somewhere between France and the US, we need to rent a home with a minimum of furniture.  Our realtor mentioned a friend of his who needs to rent his home in Bailey, which is not far from Conifer.  I called him while we were still in France, and we had an amazing conversation.  He is also a wildlife artist (and Engineer), and we probably talked for an hour on the phone.  He is willing to rent us his home at a very reasonable cost, for any period of time that we need - and we can bring the animals with us.  And he has just enough furniture in the house for us to get by for now.

     We move in on Saturday, and the girls will start school on Monday morning. 

     

     Lord, you are an amazing God!  You prove your faithfulness to us in a hundred different ways every day, and all you ask in return is that we trust in your Goodness, and Sovereignty, and Love.  Thank you for caring so deeply for my family, and thank you for never giving up on us. 

Hang On For The Ride

A note I received from my faith-filled Mom on the day everything fell apart for us (on my birthday last Monday):

"My counsel?
HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE.......as the adventure quickens.  And, it is an adventure with hidden treasures which will be revealed when God's timing is according to His plan.
"Lord, we know you are there....we know nothing surprises you...we're going to let go and take one step at a time".  The problems are unsolvable from our perspective but not from the One who is in control.  Therefore, the pressure's off.  There are certain decisions you've made with your best knowledge that God is leading, stand firm that those were from Him.."the rope won't break".  What an opportunity you're having to taste "food" most are afraid to even try.  The sweetness that is going to come from this mess will be nothing short of miraculous.
HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE...make the short term decisions and keep walking.  Don't look back until the whole thing passes by and when you do, it will be a testimony of faithfulness."

Today we have a testimony of God's amazing, incredible, supernatural faithfulness. 

Last Sunday we had a buyer for our home, and an appointment with the real-estate lawyer for Thursday morning at 11am. 

On Monday our buyer backed out. 

On Tuesday afternoon a young couple came to see the house - when the house was in the absolute worst shape ever (trash everywhere, people running in and out).  I called them that night and asked for a decision; they said they would call the next day, and I replied that I needed an answer that night.  They called back and agreed to buy our home.  We found out the rest of the story two days later:  they had been looking for a home for a year, and they had seen over 50 homes.  They took last week off from work and they told each other that they HAD to buy a home before Friday.  As soon as they entered our home, the wife thought to herself, "This is the one." They love our home; they love the tree-house; they can't wait to move in.

On Thursday we went to the lawyer for the original appointment, and signed the papers for the sale of the house. 

On Friday the movers came, loaded all our boxes and a few pieces of furniture, and drove away.  We ended up having to leave a lot of furniture behind because there wasn't room.  After the truck drove away, I stood looking at all the furniture left in our garage and thought to myself, "Jim, you must be mad."

On Saturday (yesterday) a woman came to look at our car.  She is the first and ONLY person who has seen the car.  She agreed to buy it, and last night I deposited her certified check in our bank account.

Today we are relaxing, and tomorrow we get on the plane with our three daughters, our dog dixie and our two cats.

And we can't wait to see what the next part of this adventure of faith will look like!

It's Time To Go

Yesterday we signed for the sale of our home.  Two days previously we had a verbal agreement to sell, and then the buyer backed out.  A day later a young couple came to see the house, and by that evening had decided to buy.  Two buyers in two days - is that a miracle, or what?  This couple had been looking for a home for over a year, and they had visited at least 50 houses.  They decided to take this week off, and come what may to buy a home.  They knew what they wanted, and they knew what their budget is.  When they came to see the house on Tuesday, it was in a terrible mess - boxes everywhere, trash on the floor, visitors in and out the whole time they were here.  But yesterday Sophie, the wife, told Daphne that as she entered our home she thought "This is the one".  They have two young children, and this house is just perfect for them.  They have already started dreaming about all the changes they want to make, and the kids are excited about the tree-house in the backyard... and all we can say is "God is so good".  

Today the movers are here, and they are loading up our belongings and within an hour or two our house will be empty.  Daphne and I were sitting out on the back porch earlier this morning, just reminescing about all the wonderful memories we have made in this home:  innumerable house guests who have warmed our hearts and enriched our lives; the home group from our local church; counseling with troubles couples; hundreds of family movie nights with dear friends whom we will deeply, deeply miss; evenings sitting in front of the fireplace late at night; many times of deep sorrow and confusion, on our knees next to the sofa crying out to the Lord.

  

Oh Lord, we are so rich!  These relationships and memories are priceless, and my heart is overwhelmed with both gratitude and sorrow as I sit here right now.  Oh how heart-wrenching it is to leave a place where we have given so much of ourselves... and yet we know it is time to go.  Oh Jesus, please help us down this mountain.  It is so painful, we cannot possibly make it without your comfort and peace.

    I would have despaired unless I had believed that 

    I would see the goodness of the LORD
    In the bland of the living. Wait for the LORD;
    Be strong, and let your heart take courage;
    Yes, wait for the LORD.

We're trying to trust you Lord!

     Yesterday we thought we had a buyer for our house, and we were so excited.  I just received a phone call from the prospective buyer and he has changed his mind.  Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but we have only four days remaining and our real-estate attorney can only meet with us on Thursday - so in effect we have only three more days to find a buyer.  Also today we received news that the couple who have agreed to help us purchase the home in Conifer, and who were planning to make an offer this week, have a family medical emergency and they need to get back to California immediately.  Therefore their plans related to the purchase are on hold.  
     No buyer for our home, no permanent home in Colorado yet, no buyer for our car and therefore no possibility to purchase a car in Colorado, the moving company arriving on Friday to load our belongings (but we have no address to give them on the other end), and our flight leaves on Monday.  And today is my birthday.  This is going to be an unforgettable birthday for sure - we just need to hang on to the Lord, and what an opportunity to trust Him.  Please pray for us - I'm feeling pretty discouraged right now, and my emotions can't take too many more swings.

Down to the Wire

     The Lord loves to bring things down to the wire!  We now have two offers on the house, both significantly lower than we were hoping for.  Another couple came by for a second visit last night, and may call back with an offer as well.  The exchange rate between the dollar and the euro is very favorable right now for us (€1 = $1.5), but once we accept an offer we will still have 90 days to wait for the closing - it's just the way the French bureaucracy works.  A lot can obviously change in that period of time.  We need to accept one of the offers by Sunday, because we only have next week to meet with the lawyer to draw up the sale contract.  


     A second, perhaps even more pressing challenge, relates to the sale of our car.  Since all our funds are tied up in the house for the next three months, we need to sell our car here to be able to purchase a vehicle in Colorado... and we'll need a vehicle as soon as arrive.  So once more we find ourselves at the 11th hour, waiting upon the Lord and trusting that He knows what our needs are and that He is more than capable to work it all out.  


     We are still in the process of selling all the furniture and other items that we're not planning to take with us, and there is a virtual stampede of people coming by the house today (Saturday) to see what we have for sale.  I'm both thrilled that we can hopefully sell a lot of items today, and challenged by the fact that I am preaching my last sermon tomorrow and I have no idea what I'm going to speak on!  For those reading this blog today, I would cherish your prayers for God's perfect insight in His perfect timing.  This wouldn't be the first time that I am faced with standing in front of our church not knowing what I am going to say.  


     One funny story from last night:  we had some friends over for our last official "movie night", as our TV will be picked up on Monday.  I decided to roast some chestnuts in the oven as a special treat, and when they were nice and hot I brought them out and put the pan on the coffee table.  All of the sudden there was a big "BANG" and one of the chestnuts exploded, and we were all covered in very fine chestnut particles!  It was hilarious, and will mark the occasion in our memories for the future.


     

Confirming Impressions

My good friend Kevin Shaw pointed me to the October 18th devotional in Streams in the Desert, and it encouraged both Daphne and I:

     "The ark of the covenant of the Lord went before them" (Num. 10:33).

God does give us impressions, but not that we should act on them as impressions. If the impression be from God, He will Himself give sufficient evidence to establish it beyond the possibility of a doubt.

How beautiful is the story of Jeremiah, of the impression that came to him respecting the purchase of the field of Anathoth. But Jeremiah did not act upon this impression until after the following day, when his uncle's son came to him and brought him external evidence by making a proposal for the purchase. Then Jeremiah said: "I knew this was the word of the Lord."

He waited until God seconded the impression by a providence, and then he acted in full view of the open facts, which could bring conviction unto others as well as to himself. God wants us to act according to His mind. We are not to ignore the Shepherd's personal voice but, like Paul and his companions at Troas, we are to listen to all the voices that speak and "gather" from all the circumstances, as they did, the full mind of the Lord. --Dr. Simpson

"Where God's finger points, there God's hand will make the way."

"For God through ways we have not known, Will lead His own."

     We are now entering possibly the craziest week of our lives.  In the next 11 days we are trusting God to sell our home, sell our car, sell the furniture that we're not taking with us to America, close all our accounts here, ship our belongings to Colorado and say all our final farewells.  If God is not in this, our plans are doomed to failure.  And yet as I look at our lives from the beginning of the summer until now the Lord has not only given us His impressions, but He has and is confirming them through providential circumstances.  We have often spoken about the "life of faith" the Lord has called us to, but I wonder if this transition isn't the biggest step of faith we've ever taken.  Never has so much been at stake, nor the price of our decisions been so high.  We are truly "letting go" of the influence, prestige and leadership responsibility of my previous Namestan roles to launch ourselves into the rushing river of the unknown, so far out of our circle of comfort I don't even know where the circle was anymore.  Lord, it really does feel like falling, but that's what it's like to believe.  

     We said our final good-byes (for now) to Daphne's folks two nights ago as we prepared to leave England.  The tears ran freely and Daphne's Dad just didn't want to let her go (literally).  He is eighty years old, and we leave not knowing if his permanent resident status will ever be approved by the British government, which would mean they could never travel to visit us in Colorado.  Of course I will send Daphne back to England to see them in the future, but his uncertain residency status is just one more issue that we have no control over.  


    " What a friend we have in Jesus - all our sins and griefs to bear.  What a privilege to carry, everything to God in prayer."

Oil on Aaron's beard

"Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity!  It is like precious oil upon the head, running down on the beard, the beard of Aaron.  Running down on the edge of his garments.  It is like the dew of Hermon, descending upon the mountains of Zion; for there the Lord commanded the blessing - life forevermore." 

Psalm 133

     I read this Psalm a couple of days ago, and as I reflected on this promise a very important fact dawned on me:  brothers (or sisters) dwelling together in unity has nothing to do with the absence of conflict.  To the contrary, real unity springs from a deep love and commitment to one another that refuses to settle for anything less than restoration in the relationship.  In fact, it is the reality of conflict in relationships that provides the fertilizer for growing deep and healthy... as long as we are willing to push through the pain and confusion.  I can attest to the pain of relational disconnects that remain unresolved and without closure, and I can testify to the blessing of real honesty and vulnerability that leads to real restoration.  Sadly, we seem far too willing to live with relational "short-circuits" that drain us and rob us of our joy.

_____________________

So, where are we in this transition process?  Well, still with our feet in mid-air in many ways.  We have had many visitors to our house, but still not even one firm offer.  I have gone ahead and booked our flights back to Colorado on November 2nd, yet without a permanent address to provide to the shipping company.  We are moving forward entirely by faith at this point - knowing that we need to get our girls into school, yet having many issues hanging without closure.  We are currently in England for our last visit with Daphne's parents, and we return home to the daunting tasks of selling our home, our car and many of our belongings within the next week.  Sounds insane, doesn't it?  Maybe it is, and yet we have no other option.  So we go forward day by day - trying to walk by faith, and often struggling with insecurities and doubt.  We're attempting something that is so far beyond us that it's doomed to failure unless the Lord is in it.  

I want to share one experience with you that will remain with me as long as I live.  Long before I reached my own point of crisis I had begun working on plans to bring the five National Operations Directors to Paris with their wives for a week of rest, encouragement and romance.  After my resignation the leadership team decided to keep the plans as they were, and last week six men arrived in Paris with their spouses.  To our great delight, Daphne and I were invited to spend an afternoon and evening alone with these precious brothers.  It felt so strange for me to arrive at the office and walk into a meeting that I had always planned and led for the past five years - and to be outside the whole event.  However, any pangs of sorrow or regret were dispelled over the next two hours as Daphne and I shared our journey with these men - then sat and wept openly as they each vulnerably expressed their love for us, and how our lives have deeply impacted each of them.  Our emotional tanks were filled right to the brim, and in the midst of our grief we felt deeply affirmed by the Lord.  This leave-taking has been far more difficult than we could ever have imagined.

The Raven and the Dove

“Then it came about at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made; and he sent out a raven, and it flew here and there until the water was dried up from the earth. Then he sent out a dove from him, to see if the water was abated from the face of the land; but the dove found no resting place for the sole of her foot, so she returned to him into the ark, for the water was on the surface of all the earth. Then he put out his hand and took her, and brought her into the ark to himself. So he waited yet another seven days; and again he sent out the dove from the ark. The dove came to him toward evening, and behold, in her beak was a freshly picked olive leaf. So Noah knew that the water was abated from the earth. Then he waited yet another seven days, and sent out the dove; but she did not return to him again. ”
Genesis 8:1–19

     Have you ever wondered why there are two, such very different birds in the flood narrative?  There are probably no two birds so different in their natures and behavior than the raven and the dove.  The raven is a predator and a scavenger - both aggressive and highly intelligent.  If you've seen the Hitchcock film "The Birds" you would remember the scene where the ravens gather in huge numbers in the school yard, perching menacingly on the swingset and the jungle gym.  There is a sense of foreboding and fear as the children slowly leave the safety of the schoolhouse - and you just know what is going to happen next.

     But could you imagine the same scene, but exchange the ravens for doves?  The horror imagery immediately falls flat, because everyone knows that doves are the gentlest, most fragile of birds.  The scriptures mention both birds numerous times, and neither in a negative sense.  Ravens fed Elijah under the Juniper tree, and the Holy Spirit came in the form of a dove.
     I've been reflecting a great deal on this story because it seems to have a bearing on times of crisis and major decisions in our lives.  Noah and his family floated on the water for almost six months - completely at the whim of the waves and the hand of the Lord.  Noah knew they would eventually "land" somewhere, but only God knew where.  When the Ark finally came to rest on Mount Ararat, they still did not know where they were, or how long they had to stay in the boat (around another 5-6 months; they remained in the Ark for over 365 days total).  So, the boat stopped moving, but they still weren't sure where they were, or if it was time to come out.  So what were Noah and his family doing inside the Ark all this time?  They were caring for the animals as they had been for many months.  They were worshipping, because they maintained the sabbath rest.  They were seeking God's direction, because Noah sent out the two birds to determine if the waters had receeded.  The raven flew "to and fro" until the water dried up from the earth - assumedly feeding on the carrion from the flood, and perching on the Ark... but it never came back inside.  The dove went out three times and only returned twice, the second time with the olive branch.  What did Noah now know?  He knew the water had receeded, and that the Raven found food and the dove a place to perch.  All that remained was for the Lord to give the green light to leave the Ark.

     Can you imagine the impatience Noah and his family must have felt at this point?  Let's get OUT OF HERE!  For reasons we do not understand, the Lord only spoke after nearly two more months and said, "OK, time to get out."  There is a corollary for us right now;  we "hit ground" during the summer when we made the decision to resign and leave NAMESTAN.  We've been waiting for the waters to receed, and I've sent out the raven and the dove to see if God will confirm our decision to move to Conifer, Colorado.  The dove has finally come back with an Olive Branch - and I hope to share some more details with you in the next few days.  Until then, we worship, and we wait.

Feet planted firmly in mid-air

     Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are trying to get somewhere (or more often trying to get away from something) but your legs just won't move fast enough? In my dreams I have an urgent need to move or run, but I end up rising up in the air and I can't get any traction on the ground - it is so frustrating! Well, that's about how we feel right now in "real life". Our house is on the market here in France, but no serious offers as of today. We have a home we would love to buy in Conifer, but no cash to buy it until our house sells here. We know we are leaving our responsibilities here, but we don't have any clear confirmation for the next steps there. We've said many good-byes here, but we aren't yet leaving... you get the idea.

   


     Daphne comes up with the best metaphors to describe our journey, and I have to share this one with you. One of Daphne's favorite places in the world is the Drakensberg mountains in South Africa. She used to spend a great deal of time hiking all over this dramatic, rugged mountain range.  One of the most difficult and hair-raising challenges is to scale the famous chain ladder with a full pack on your back.  You feel like the weight of the pack is going to cause you to fall back into space, and there is a great sense of relief when you reach the top. 


    
      Imagine the scene in the picture to the right - climbing the ladder in thick mist.  As you climb you feel secure in your knowledge that the ladder is firmly bolted to the cliff face.  Suddenly a trapeze comes swinging in out of the mist and you grab it with one hand. You feel you should let go of the ladder and take the swing in both hands... but then what?  Swing out into the mist, not knowing where it will end?  None of us would willingly or quickly take such an enormous risk, and yet this is where we find ourselves right now - in between, with no firm ground in either direction.  For reasons we don't understand, this seems to be exactly where the Lord wants us to be.  It is a very uncomfortable place, but we've been here many times before.  So we wait, and pray, and try to let go of the ladder.

    

"I can do all things..."?

I've been reading through the book "Margin", and this morning I was struck by the following insight:

"All systems have limits. Human beings are systems, and as such have physical, emotional and mental limits... Physical limits are easiest to recognize. A room of a given size can hold only so much furniture. We might comfortably put ten pieces of furniture in the room and possibly even thirty. But we would not try to put one thousand tables and chairs in a room too small to hold them. This would overload the room in a visibly foolish way..., Performance limits are related to physical limits but also introduce the factor of will...and we are often not quite as willing to accept the fact that there are limits. This is where stress fractures come from - people want to push themselves just beyond the limit of breakdown. Emotional limits are even more vague. How much straining can the psyche withstand before being overloaded? Physically, most of us could carry a one-hundred pound person on our back. But we could not carry ten. We would not even try. Our refusal would not be viewed as a statement against carrying people but rather a statement about physical limits, overload and pain. What is clear to us in the context of physical limits is less clear regarding emotional limits... you might be able to emotionally "carry" one person. But what about five? Ten? One hundred? Where should we draw the line?

In running and swimming, we continue to break old records nearly every year... but there must be an end to this, true? We cannot run the mile in one second. Neither will it ever be possible for anyone to run it in one minute. So it is in life. We are not infinite. The day does not have more than twenty-four hours. We do not have an inexhaustible source of human energy. We cannot keep running on empty. Limits are real, and despite what some stoics might think, limits are not even an enemy - overloading is the enemy.

Some will respond: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Can you? Can you fly? Can you go six months without eating? Neither can you live a healthy life chronically overloaded. God did not intend this verse to represent a negation of life-balance. Jesus did not heal all, He did not minister to all, He did not visit all, and He did not teach all. It is God the creator who made limits, and it is the same God who placed them within us for our protection. We exceed them at our peril."

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We have been working flat-out to finish the "touch-up" points on our house to make it more attractive to potential buyers. I put it up for sale online, and we've already (after a week)had five phone calls. It does feel strange to be in this land of "limbo" - waiting for our house to sell, while not yet having a house to move to in the States. At this point there's nothing more we can do than wait upon the Lord for the next step to take.

Climbing Down The Mountain

September 12, 2009


How do I get down from here?

The hike up to the summit was much more difficult than I had imagined. It took me fully two hours to reach my objective, and at 12,000+ ft in altitude I was gasping for breath for at least 20 minutes. The view from the top, however, was absolutely magnificent.


The previous afternoon I’d dropped Daphne, Nicole and Jacqueline off at the Denver airport for their flight back to France. Knowing that I needed some time to the Lord and reflect on our incredible summer, I decided to accept a dear friend’s offer to stay in her family’s cabin in Montezuma, Colorado. That morning I was looking up at the peak that dominates the skyline, and decided to hike up near the top to explore what appeared to be an abandoned mine. Without realizing it I had actually driven BEHIND the first mountain to another peak, so when I reached the top I found no signs of any mine. As I sat there breathing the sweet mountain air and admiring the incredible canvass the Lord had painted before me, I asked Him to speak to my heart by His Spirit and help me to find answers to my many questions: Where are we going? What does the future hold? Should we leave staff? Where should we live... I didn’t sense anything from Him at that time, but little did I know what was about to happen. I knew I should start down the mountain, and I felt sure I could find a short cut that would be faster than the way I’d come up. I walked over the ridge and started down, but it didn’t take me very long to realize that I was in trouble: I was heading down a rock face, and I’d already gone past the point of no return – there was no choice but to climb down. The next 30 minutes were possibly the most terrifying of my life. I was all alone, and no one knew where I was. I could easily fall and break my legs or worse, and it could be days before I would be found. All these thoughts were racing through my mind as I tried to pick the least dangerous route, and my legs were trembling like two sewing machines. So I prayed; ‘Lord, I don’t want to die here. I don’t want to leave Daphne and the girls. I can’t see how to get down – please show me the way.’ I glanced to my right and I could see a fairly stable place a few feet down (the rocks were shale, and easily broke off under my hands). I reached the ledge, and was again faced with the same predicament, and prayed the same prayer. I must have cried out to the Lord 10 or 15 times as I climbed down, and each time the Lord would show me one more ledge or spot I could reach. At no point in my descent could I see further than the next spot I could jump to – which was probably a good thing because once I got to the bottom and looked up, I could not believe what I’d just climbed down. I took this picture on my way up, but it shows the summit of the peak and the route I took down. By the time I finally reached level ground my legs and hands were completely scraped and bloodied, but I was alive and deeply grateful to the Lord.





There is a point to this story. I was disappointed that the Lord didn’t speak to me on the mountain that day, but only a short time ago it dawned on me that He did – and in a dramatic way. My descent down the rock face was a graphic, physical illustration of the spiritual journey our family has been on for the past 12 months. Over and over Daphne and I have found ourselves overwhelmed, frightened or uncertain of the next step to take, and each and every time the Lord would show us the next “ledge” to reach for. Just like my climb down the mountain, the Lord has never shown us more than one step in the journey at a time. Some of those steps have seemed illogical or nonsensical to us… only to discover two steps further down why the illogical thing proved to be perfectly logical. So many times in my life I’ve said to the Lord, “what you’re asking me to do doesn’t make “sense”, so I’m not going to do it…” thereby effectively forcing the Lord to take me down a longer, more painful route.



As we’ve walked through the past nine weeks, He has led me step by step a long way down the mountain:

1. (Early July) Return to the States after reaching a point of burn-out, and get the rest and care that you so desperately need.

2. Face up to your own, internal “issues” and dysfunctions, and allow Me to bring healing and wholeness in those areas.

3. Acknowledge the reality that you cannot return to the NAMESTAN roles you’ve filled for the past ten years, and take the risky faith-step to resign.

4. Allow yourself the freedom to dream, and let Me fill your hearts with a new vision for your family and your future.

5. And finally and most recently: understand that the time has come for you to move your family back to the United States, and to a chapter that is only now being written.



While the decision to resign from my multiple roles in the NAMESTAN team was difficult, it pales in comparison to the decision to sell our home in France, say goodbye to some of the dearest and deepest friendships we have, and move back to America. We have felt the freedom from the Lord to follow the desire of our hearts, and we have therefore decided to settle in Conifer, Colorado – an easy drive from my (Jim’s) sister Cathi and her family. The timing of our move is uncertain, as much will depend on how quickly we are able to sell our home in France. I will fly back on the 16th of this month for a much-anticipated and longed-for reunion with Daphne and our girls. This is the longest I have ever been separated from them, and my heart is really aching.


I realize that our transition period will be tough on our family and our team, and I am trying to be emotionally prepared for the many tears and potentially difficult conversations ahead of us. No matter how many times we move, or how many good-byes we say, it NEVER gets any easier. We cherish your prayers as we walk through the coming weeks and months, and as we wait upon the Lord to show us the next step down the mountain.