Odds and Ends about Marriage

Daphne and I have done a bit of marriage counseling over the years, and we've learned some interesting truths about life and relationships in the process.  Here's a sampling:

1.  We can't want your marriage to work more than you do.  Sometimes in seems like we're the ones doing all the cheer-leading while the couple sitting across from us have given up and don't even want to try.  Doesn't work that way.  If you don't want to work at this relationship, let's not waste all of our valuable time pretending.  We've even said to some couples, "Well, it's clear that you've got fighting down to a fine art.  Maybe you should write a book on how to have a good fight in your marriage."  Doesn't really help them, but it makes me feel better.  I think it's pretty funny, actually.

2.  The only person you can change is yourself.  "If he'll just change, everything will be great!".  Sorry, doesn't work that way.  You gotta deal with your own "stuff", and we've all got plenty of issues to choose from.  Nobody needs a Junior Holy Spirit getting on their case, and God has his work cut out just changing you, just like He does with your spouse.  So get out of the way.  Your nagging gives you some sick sense of control, but all you're doing is driving your spouse out the door and into someone else's arms. 

3.  The goal isn't peace, but understanding.  It's fine to slam the door and go outside for a smoke, or take a drive, or whatever you do to calm down.  But when you get home nothing's resolved, even though you've got an unspoken cease-fire.  Your disagreement is still there, hanging in the middle of the room for you both to knock your heads on and start another fight.  If you can't figure out what happened and why you keep reacting to each other, you'll never get back the intimacy you've lost.

4.  He needs respect, and she needs love.  You can re-package it anyway you like, or pretend that liberated women need respect as much as men, or that modern men just need a hug.  Doesn't change the way God designed us.  When she's loved, she feels respected.  When he's respected, he feels loved.  And here's the other side of the coin: when she doesn't feel loved, she'll act totally disrespectful, and when he feels disrespected he'll become an unloving brute.  Works that way every time.