It hurts so good

I went for my first session of deep-tissue massage therapy as one of several routes we're following in pursuit of relief from RLS.  After an hour of intense massage I felt like a zombie on sleeping pills; it was wonderful, relaxing and at times intensely painful.  The therapist said that there are several areas - middle of my upper back and my right hip and thigh - that are "locked up" and will require time and effort to re-educate.  Without telling her which areas are most affected during an RLS episode, she found every one of them and spent most of the session working on those areas.  I can't imagine that this won't significantly help in reducing the most severe symptoms I wrestle with on a daily (nightly) basis.

I had two phone calls yesterday morning that were significant for me.  The first was with a CCC staff "kid" (actually a married woman, but her family have been on staff for a very long time, and her father is a leader in the ministry).  We talked for quite awhile about where God has led us and our two families, and then she asked me a "loaded" question:  "So, how does it feel to be out of the CCC bubble?"  To that point I thought our conversation was winding down, but her question led us down an entirely different pathway - and one that allowed for us to be much more real about the issues we've both struggled with as staff kids.  She probably thanked me three times for pursuing our friendship with she and her husband, independent from my relationship with her father.  How easy it is to allow a strained relationship with one person (in this case, my relationship with her father) to rob us of genuine relationships with other family members, just because of the association.  I was greatly encouraged by our conversation.

Later in the morning, I had a Skype conversation with another good friend who is still an active staff member with Campus Crusade.  He initiated the call when he saw that I was online, and this is what he wrote: "Hi Jim, Saw you were online and thought I'd say hi. I would enjoy getting a catch up Skype call with you some time to hear what's going on with you and how I might pray for you in your new season of life.  I really appreciate the bold steps you have taken which I am sure have taken a lot of faith and courage."  When someone initiates a phone call with me, especially someone I haven't spoken to in over a year, I am always ready to talk.  He specifically wanted to know - a year after my burn-out and our decision to leave the organization - what lessons we've learned through this journey, or what specific truths (or take-aways, as he put it) we have gained.  This is an excellent question, and really caused me to pause and reflect before answering . . . and I'm still reflecting on that question.  After much thought, I can pretty easily name three or four key points that we have learned through the challenges we've faced these past 12 months.

1. Listen to my wife.  Daphne could see me heading towards a personal crisis long before I could.  She also had a strong conviction for at least the previous 3 years that we would need to leave the organization.  I refused to listen to her for most of this period of time, and my answer to her concerns was always the same: We can help bring about more positive change from inside the organization than from outside.  Now, this is theoretically true, and it is certainly very clear that we are completely "out of the loop" now with CCC.  However, I would have to say that I should have listened to Daphne long before my personal struggles with the organization and with the leadership reached a crisis point.  I say that the concept of leading change from within is theoretically a valid one, but in reality the move towards genuine, lasting heart change is both extremely difficult and agonizingly slow.  Besides, I'm not sure that the changes I was pushing for are the most critical areas, or if God has another plan to bring change to the organization.  I finally had to admit that I was not the one who could help lead change, and I have to trust God to be God and do His work in His timing, and in His manner.

2. Find security and identity in my relationship with the Lord, so that I can be real and honest in my relationships with men.  I am convinced that our fears (fear of man, fear of losing my job, fear of ruining a friendship, fear of losing our financial security) often lead us to make decisions in life, or FAIL to make decisions in life that can have a profound impact on our family, our career and our calling.  The opposite of rest (meaning resting in the Lord) is fear, and I am more and more convinced that FEAR is the single greatest influence in the church today.  Our fears - both real and imagined - motivate our decisions, keep us from experiencing the abundant life, and lead us to a life of slavery and ineffectiveness.  I had tried over the past few years to express my heart and my concerns for the organization as honestly and sincerely as I knew how - and yet I could never be TRULY honest because of my own fears.  In hindsight, had I been able to find courage and security in the Lord, we would probably have left several years prior to our actual departure last summer.

3.  We never really experienced what it means to walk by faith until we left full-time ministry.  I thought we were living by faith for the past 20 years with CCC, but I now realize that our steady financial support lulled us into believing that we were trusting in the Lord, while in reality we were trusting in the organization or in our support team.  Only after our move to Colorado and after losing 2/3 of our financial support did the rubber of our faith finally hit the road, and we began to lean on the Lord on a daily basis for all our needs.  We really had a sweet deal all those years on staff, and we had tremendous job security and financial security.  Today, I have no idea what our financial situation may look like six months or a year from now.  And the crazy part is: I'm OK with that.  We're learning to trust in the love and sovereignty of the Master, and to rest in His promises whether or not the circumstances are positive or negative. 

I'm sure there are other significant lessons I could mention here, but I need to get busy working on my message for Sunday - "The Acts 2 church - can it be replicated today?"