I don't understand Lord

It's 2 a.m., and I have had no sleep, and there is no prospect of any sleep the rest of the night.  The Neupro patches I ordered have run out, and the next supply will take two weeks to arrive - so I pace the house and try to understand why I cannot find a solution.  I know the Lord can heal; I have seen Him heal, at times in apparent response to my own prayers for someone else.  And yet He does not heal me.  I know that all things work together for the good to those who love God - and I do love Him - but I cannot grasp what good can come from this chronic insomnia.  I am awake, while the rest of my family and friends sleep.  Tomorrow I will be in a sleep-deprived fog, unable to engage in meaningful conversation, unable to read because I cannot concentrate, unable to focus on any one task for more than a few minutes.  Oh, what life!  Just as my brother John has reached the place of being unable to work, I wonder if I will be able to maintain any job again.  Without the small amount of financial support we continue to receive I honestly don't know how we would make it. 

So I walk, and pour out my heart to the Lord - and most of the time I don't hear any answer from Him.  I do not doubt that we were led by the Spirit of God to return to the U.S., nor that it was by His guidance that we settled in Conifer, Colorado. There were too many indications that God was leading us supernaturally for me to doubt - and who wouldn't want to live in Colorado??  And yet our life and our relationships are affected by my disengagement.  I can't continue typing now, as I have to get up and move.  Perhaps I can finish this later.


4:44   My back and legs feel like they're calming down a bit.  Maybe I can get an hour or two of sleep.  Maybe one day medical research will provide a genuine remedy for severe RLS. 

Today is Tuesday.  On Thursday our dear friends Jacques and Marie will arrive here in Colorado to spend several days with us - we can't wait to see them.  They're avid outdoors people so we want to take them hiking on one of our many trails around here.  And on Saturday we'll (Lord willing) drive up to Cheyenne, Wyoming for the "Grandaddy of 'em all" rodeo where they'll get their full dose of the real American West.