It hurts so good

I went for my first session of deep-tissue massage therapy as one of several routes we're following in pursuit of relief from RLS.  After an hour of intense massage I felt like a zombie on sleeping pills; it was wonderful, relaxing and at times intensely painful.  The therapist said that there are several areas - middle of my upper back and my right hip and thigh - that are "locked up" and will require time and effort to re-educate.  Without telling her which areas are most affected during an RLS episode, she found every one of them and spent most of the session working on those areas.  I can't imagine that this won't significantly help in reducing the most severe symptoms I wrestle with on a daily (nightly) basis.

I had two phone calls yesterday morning that were significant for me.  The first was with a CCC staff "kid" (actually a married woman, but her family have been on staff for a very long time, and her father is a leader in the ministry).  We talked for quite awhile about where God has led us and our two families, and then she asked me a "loaded" question:  "So, how does it feel to be out of the CCC bubble?"  To that point I thought our conversation was winding down, but her question led us down an entirely different pathway - and one that allowed for us to be much more real about the issues we've both struggled with as staff kids.  She probably thanked me three times for pursuing our friendship with she and her husband, independent from my relationship with her father.  How easy it is to allow a strained relationship with one person (in this case, my relationship with her father) to rob us of genuine relationships with other family members, just because of the association.  I was greatly encouraged by our conversation.

Later in the morning, I had a Skype conversation with another good friend who is still an active staff member with Campus Crusade.  He initiated the call when he saw that I was online, and this is what he wrote: "Hi Jim, Saw you were online and thought I'd say hi. I would enjoy getting a catch up Skype call with you some time to hear what's going on with you and how I might pray for you in your new season of life.  I really appreciate the bold steps you have taken which I am sure have taken a lot of faith and courage."  When someone initiates a phone call with me, especially someone I haven't spoken to in over a year, I am always ready to talk.  He specifically wanted to know - a year after my burn-out and our decision to leave the organization - what lessons we've learned through this journey, or what specific truths (or take-aways, as he put it) we have gained.  This is an excellent question, and really caused me to pause and reflect before answering . . . and I'm still reflecting on that question.  After much thought, I can pretty easily name three or four key points that we have learned through the challenges we've faced these past 12 months.

1. Listen to my wife.  Daphne could see me heading towards a personal crisis long before I could.  She also had a strong conviction for at least the previous 3 years that we would need to leave the organization.  I refused to listen to her for most of this period of time, and my answer to her concerns was always the same: We can help bring about more positive change from inside the organization than from outside.  Now, this is theoretically true, and it is certainly very clear that we are completely "out of the loop" now with CCC.  However, I would have to say that I should have listened to Daphne long before my personal struggles with the organization and with the leadership reached a crisis point.  I say that the concept of leading change from within is theoretically a valid one, but in reality the move towards genuine, lasting heart change is both extremely difficult and agonizingly slow.  Besides, I'm not sure that the changes I was pushing for are the most critical areas, or if God has another plan to bring change to the organization.  I finally had to admit that I was not the one who could help lead change, and I have to trust God to be God and do His work in His timing, and in His manner.

2. Find security and identity in my relationship with the Lord, so that I can be real and honest in my relationships with men.  I am convinced that our fears (fear of man, fear of losing my job, fear of ruining a friendship, fear of losing our financial security) often lead us to make decisions in life, or FAIL to make decisions in life that can have a profound impact on our family, our career and our calling.  The opposite of rest (meaning resting in the Lord) is fear, and I am more and more convinced that FEAR is the single greatest influence in the church today.  Our fears - both real and imagined - motivate our decisions, keep us from experiencing the abundant life, and lead us to a life of slavery and ineffectiveness.  I had tried over the past few years to express my heart and my concerns for the organization as honestly and sincerely as I knew how - and yet I could never be TRULY honest because of my own fears.  In hindsight, had I been able to find courage and security in the Lord, we would probably have left several years prior to our actual departure last summer.

3.  We never really experienced what it means to walk by faith until we left full-time ministry.  I thought we were living by faith for the past 20 years with CCC, but I now realize that our steady financial support lulled us into believing that we were trusting in the Lord, while in reality we were trusting in the organization or in our support team.  Only after our move to Colorado and after losing 2/3 of our financial support did the rubber of our faith finally hit the road, and we began to lean on the Lord on a daily basis for all our needs.  We really had a sweet deal all those years on staff, and we had tremendous job security and financial security.  Today, I have no idea what our financial situation may look like six months or a year from now.  And the crazy part is: I'm OK with that.  We're learning to trust in the love and sovereignty of the Master, and to rest in His promises whether or not the circumstances are positive or negative. 

I'm sure there are other significant lessons I could mention here, but I need to get busy working on my message for Sunday - "The Acts 2 church - can it be replicated today?"

I don't understand Lord

It's 2 a.m., and I have had no sleep, and there is no prospect of any sleep the rest of the night.  The Neupro patches I ordered have run out, and the next supply will take two weeks to arrive - so I pace the house and try to understand why I cannot find a solution.  I know the Lord can heal; I have seen Him heal, at times in apparent response to my own prayers for someone else.  And yet He does not heal me.  I know that all things work together for the good to those who love God - and I do love Him - but I cannot grasp what good can come from this chronic insomnia.  I am awake, while the rest of my family and friends sleep.  Tomorrow I will be in a sleep-deprived fog, unable to engage in meaningful conversation, unable to read because I cannot concentrate, unable to focus on any one task for more than a few minutes.  Oh, what life!  Just as my brother John has reached the place of being unable to work, I wonder if I will be able to maintain any job again.  Without the small amount of financial support we continue to receive I honestly don't know how we would make it. 

So I walk, and pour out my heart to the Lord - and most of the time I don't hear any answer from Him.  I do not doubt that we were led by the Spirit of God to return to the U.S., nor that it was by His guidance that we settled in Conifer, Colorado. There were too many indications that God was leading us supernaturally for me to doubt - and who wouldn't want to live in Colorado??  And yet our life and our relationships are affected by my disengagement.  I can't continue typing now, as I have to get up and move.  Perhaps I can finish this later.


4:44   My back and legs feel like they're calming down a bit.  Maybe I can get an hour or two of sleep.  Maybe one day medical research will provide a genuine remedy for severe RLS. 

Today is Tuesday.  On Thursday our dear friends Jacques and Marie will arrive here in Colorado to spend several days with us - we can't wait to see them.  They're avid outdoors people so we want to take them hiking on one of our many trails around here.  And on Saturday we'll (Lord willing) drive up to Cheyenne, Wyoming for the "Grandaddy of 'em all" rodeo where they'll get their full dose of the real American West.

Sweating in Alabama

Over the past five years, I have often been struck by the unique ways that my life’s journey has intersected with or run parallel to my brother John’s.  In his case, the journey has led him through a deep chasm of constant, systemic pain caused by his own body attacking itself unrelentingly.  The medical name for John’s disease is Neuromyotonia, or Isaac’s Syndrome – for which there is no cure, only pain management techniques.  In my case, I am grateful that I have never experienced pain even approaching that which John endures on a daily basis.  My “Thorn in the Flesh” also has a name; it’s called “Restless Leg Syndrome” (an amusing name for a very unamusing condition), and like Neuromyotonia, there is no known cure for RLS.  Restless Leg Syndrome (or “Impatience of the legs” as it is known in France) is a movement disorder in the same medical family as Parkinson’s disease, although it does not lead to Parkinson’s.  John lives in constant pain and I live in constant sleep deprivation; I’m not sure which one is worse.  On a positive note: Daphne and I have been overwhelmed by the response to her last email describing what life is like for her and our family with my chronic insomnia.  Funny how it takes a personal/family crisis to remind us how much we need our friends and family.  In addition to words of empathy and assurances of prayers on our behalf, we received quite a few home remedies, books, and other ideas of potential cures for RLS.  I need to take all these ideas to the Lord and ask Him which ones I should pursue.

I spent all of last week in Alabama trying to help John with various odd jobs that needed attention around the house.  As soon as I got off the plane, I knew I wasn't in Colorado anymore!  It may not be as hot as hell, but you can see it from there.  I think I lost 10 pounds in sweat the two or three times I worked outside at John's house.  But it was worth it to me to find some way I could help him practically with the jobs he's no longer able to do himself.  John is simply unable to handle any physical exertion because his muscles so quickly become fatigued. He finally reached the point about three weeks ago of admitting to himself and to his friends & supporters that he is no longer able to work, and He and Cathy are praying through the options available to them given this reality.  While I was with John I accompanied him to meet with a doctor who put him on a new pain medication that (at first view) seems to promise a significant amount of relief for him.  In John’s shoes, I would probably be skeptical of promises that he can live pain-free, in much the same way that I have tried and discarded a dozen different “cures” for RLS.

Another reason for going to Alabama was to pick up a 2002 Chevy Tahoe that some dear friends offered to give us, knowing that we have two teenagers in our household who are now driving (or soon will be).  We arrived late last night after driving for two full days, and Karine drove for probably a quarter of the trip.  I’m glad she was able to rack up some hours of driving experience, but Daphne and I quickly realized that each time Karine got behind the wheel our ability to relax vanished as we watched her, the traffic in front, the traffic behind, checked her speed . . it was exhausting.  How do parents manage to survive teaching multiple children how to drive? 

Sleepless in Conifer

 (From Daphne)

For a while now, Jim has lived in the hope of obtaining the patches that brought him such relief two years ago from his restless leg syndrome (RLS).  He has felt that the end was in sight, if only he could get hold of these miracle patches!  We finally were able to procure some, thanks to the generosity of some good friends who footed the bill for a month's experiment - but to our dismay, they are no longer having the effect they had before.  Jim has still been unable to go to sleep at night, because this restlessness kicks in, and it will often continue unabated until the early morning, 4 or 5 am, when he is finally able to fall asleep.  You can imagine the state he is in by the time he wakes up at about 7am, after only a couple of hours sleep.  He is desperate.  And so are we who live with him!

From time to time, some sweet, thoughtful person will ask me what it is like living with a person who is sleep-deprived?  I have to always think about it before I answer, because, like so many long-term issues in our lives, we all adapt, and forget what normalcy felt like.

So what is it like? One word I would use is frustrating.  Frustrating because when I am asleep, Jim often is not.  Then when I am awake, he is up, but not really awake if you know what I mean?  He spends his day in a kind of fog, distracted, not really there.  I have gotten used to this, and don't really expect more out of him than he is able to give, but I forget that this is not normal, nor how he used to be when he was getting proper sleep.  It was brought home to us this past week when we had good friends from France staying with us.  After several days of observing Jim, the wife made the comment, "Jim has changed since he was in France."  In what way, we asked?  "Well he seems not all there, easily distracted, not able to concentrate. Is it us?"  No we both reassured her!  It is him.  This is the way he is, and many have noticed it.  Our girls, our pastor, myself.

Another word would be loss.  Loss for Jim in every area of his life.  The ability to work, function, engage.  He cannot focus so he cannot build into others' lives as he so loves to do.  He is battling to build his new business because he just cannot concentrate on the task at hand.  We told the church team here that the Jim they know is not the Jim that really is.  If ever he can get his sleep cycle back, they will not recognize the man for the energy he would have!

So what is there to do?  When all medicine has failed, all home cure remedies, all doctor's advice has fallen short of a cure.  For some reason, I have had the feeling all along that this was something God wanted to heal without modern medicine.  Something He wanted to do to teach us something about Himself that we have not yet grasped.  For a while now He has been teaching me about prayer, and in particular, persevering prayer.  He has impressed on me the story of the persistent widow, and how her request was finally granted because of her persistence alone.  It seems persistence is something that God takes note of.  In a good way.

In the past, I would pray for something like healing - once.  After that I felt that God had heard, and it was up to Him whether or not He wanted to do it.  I was not to "manipulate" Him through my nagging or asking repeatedly.  From scripture I am seeing that God is not such a prude as I imagined Him to be!  I was struck in the story of Elisha raising the widow's son from the dead how he tried several things:  first his servant placed his cane on the boy's face.  No response.  Next Elisha prayed.  No response.  Then Elisha stretched out on the boy's body.  The body grew warm, but he was not breathing.  Elisha then paced the room and lay out again on the boy.  The boy sneezed seven times.  Then life was restored to him!  It seems God was asking persistence from Elisha!  You can read the account in 2 Kings 4 for yourself.  It seems that in scripture, God often required ongoing, multiple prayers from His people before He would act.  I think it has something to do with growing our faith!  That is certainly true for me.

So would you join us in consistent, ongoing, persevering prayer for Jim to be healed from this malady which is driving him insane and robbing him of his quality of life?  His sleeplessness affects him adversely in every area of his life, and in every relationship.  There is no good thing that is coming from it, and Jesus told us that while the enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy, He has come that we might have life, and have it abundantly.  That is the promise we are standing on as we fight this battle.  Please join us in the fray!!

A culture of worry

I preached again yesterday, and I decided to focus again on the "Promised Land" in terms of what it means for us today - living our lives in light of God's promises.  I specifically chose three promises that Jesus made:  The promise of the Holy Spirit, the promise that He will provide for all our needs, and the promise of His peace.  I don't think I've ever had as much response to any message I've preached as I had yesterday and today - so this topic obviously struck a nerve.  I spent a lot of time talking about how fear most often shows itself in our lives, through worry & anxiety, and the need to control others.  Every day I can find dozens of examples of how we live our lives motivated and controlled by fear in some way.  I had a friend send me a text this morning, telling me how much he appreciated the message yesterday.  When I asked him what he appreciated specifically, he said this: "Everything.  We talked about it many times after church.  I personally was reminded to worry and have anxiety is futile.  My mom and wife are on meds to cope with anxiety, and now [their son] tells us that he has problems dealing with it.  Why has the American society turned to drugs instead of learning good techniques to handle anxiety?  I have to give everything to Christ, trust fully, and that control is an illusion.  He provides for our needs and many times our wants, even though that is not his promise [to provide our wants]."  I agree with him, except in one point:  I no longer believe that dealing with anxiety and stress is a question of learning coping techniques.  The only solution that Jesus offers is to TRUST Him and LET GO of the need to control our environment through worry or emotional manipulation.  True rest and peace only come when we're truly able to let go of the illusion (and it truly is an illusion) that we're in control of our lives.  I see this all the time in how our fears push us to want to control our environment or others through anger, emotional manipulation etc.  If God is truly God, then that means I'm not - and I can stop trying to play god in others' lives.  We just had a wedding in our team here, and weddings are where our propensity to control others rears it's ugly head with a vengeance.  Rather than allowing the bride and groom to plan the wedding according to THEIR desires and wishes (no matter what people say, I still maintain that the wedding is about the couple, not about the families) both families want to control who comes to the wedding, who doesn't come, who the bridesmaids and groomsmen are, what the flowers look like, who organizes the reception... and the list goes on.  I'm not saying that there shouldn't be some dialogue with the families, especially when the bride's parents are paying for most of it (usually).  But it seems to always end up as a power struggle, and how many couples would say that their wedding day was the most stressful day of their lives??  And it all comes back to FEAR:  we try to control others out of our own fears.  We've done it for so long that we don't even recognize when we're doing it - and we resist anyone who tries to point out our controlling tendencies.  Daphne and I were talking about this the other day, how we get it in our mind that the church "needs" to start X program or strategy (bible study, men's group etc) and we'll push and push and push until the pastor reluctantly agrees - and then only two people show up.  Was it worth it?  Not only did it not work, but we probably wounded the pastor and several other people in the process - and for what?  To get our own way?
What a difference it would make if we sensed a need, and we decide not to tell anyone about it - only the Lord.  We pray and we wait.  Sometimes for a long time.  If and when God decides to move, He has already created the felt-need in people's hearts, and the result can be a powerful movement for change.  Life just works out better when God is the one in control, not us.  The problem is that God is willing to use time to accomplish His purposes, and time is the one thing we won't give Him.

Jesus said, "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you REST"  Wow, rest seems to be a rare and virtually unknown commodity in our society today.  I really believe that the abundant life that Jesus promised in John 10:10 has more to do with living free from fear than anything else.  That life is out there, available to us right now if we're willing to give up the illusion that we're in control. 

It's been raining pretty constantly for the past two days.  It looks like the sun is coming out this morning, which is helpful because I've been rebuilding our front deck and I need to treat it with some weatherproofing.  It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it; I've never built a deck in my life, but with a little advice from a contractor - and the right tools - I've rebuilt the bottom staircase and I'll start on the top one today.  The best part is that I'm saving thousands of dollars in the process.  One of the guys from the church team is coming to help me this morning, so we should be able to finish the front deck today.  The lighter colored wood in the picture is the part I've replaced.  Not to bad, eh?

I get a lot of thinking done when I'm working with my hands like this.  Last Sunday I preached on the Promised Land from the story of when Joshua and the people crossed the Jordan river.  This Sunday I want to move on to three or four promises that Jesus made to us that are truly amazing . . . if we believe them.  My brother John and I were talking a couple of days ago about how most of us give lip service to believing God, but when push comes to shove we're really not willing to trust Him with the the most important issues in our lives.  This morning I was reading about Jesus' conversation with the Samaritan woman at Jacob's well, and for the first time I saw the story in new light.  Jesus offered her living water, and told her that whoever drinks it will never thirst again.  When she replied that she does want His water, he told her to go and get her husband.  As I read it I paused at this point, because it seemed strange to me that He didn't say, "Trust in me", or "Follow me" - He just said ,"Go get your husband" knowing full well through the Spirit's revelation that she was living in immorality and had had five husbands.  Then it hit me:  If we really want the Living Water, we have to be willing for Jesus to speak into our lives and deal with our "stuff".  At least she was honest, and her honesty led to an encounter with the Messiah. 

I heard a message recently where the pastor said that every encounter with the Lord involves three elements: The Spirit, Truth and Worship.  All three of those are present in this story, and if I look back in my life I can say that every time I've had a supernatural encounter with God all three of these were involved.  But, it stands to reason that if I'm not living in an attitude of worship, or I'm not filled with the Spirit, or I'm not willing to be shown the truth in my life - then I simply will not experience the Living Water that Jesus is talking about. 

Friday morning

It's 5:40 am and it looks like another beautiful Colorado morning.  Daphne and I will take off for our morning hike in about an hour and a half, then I'm hoping to take Nicole to breakfast on my way to Home Depot to pick up some wood; I need to reinforce both decks on our house (front and back) because apparently they were built 30 years ago using only nails (I guess screws weren't in vogue back then), and with time the nails just begin to work themselves loose.  I was planning to basically rebuild both decks over time, but two days ago some old friends of ours stopped by for a visit and Lane showed me a few things I could do to reinforce the decks and gain another 2-3 years before we'll need to rebuild them.  God is good - even when I don't know enough to ask Him to send me some free construction counsel!

Been thinking more about our Promised Land today, and what that looks like for us.  Surely this is what Jesus had in mind when He said, "I came that they might have life, and have it more abundantly"?  As I'm working on my sermon for this Sunday I wanted to give examples of believers who have lived, or who live in the promised land of God's peace and rest every day.  I'm sad to say that I could only think of less than a handful of Christians I know who seem to live free from bondage to fear.  One of them is my friend Georges in France whom God has used in such amazing ways in our lives.  I cannot explain this phenomenon, but during our last two years in France literally every time Georges would set foot in my home the Lord would speak to me in some dramatic fashion.  He never came with the intention of being God's channel of communication.  In fact, I think most of the time Georges was oblivious of how God was using him in my life. But as I think about it, that's exactly how God loves to use us -- without us even knowing that He's doing it.  I believe God uses Georges and Valerie in this way because their lives are genuinely submitted to Him, and they seem to live for the most part free from the bondage of fear and anxiety.  I know we are where the Lord wants us to be, but I confess that I wish we were still in France so I could spend more time with Georges - he is such an encouragement to me.  I'm waiting for him to call me on Skype right now so we can at least talk for awhile.

I think it must sadden the Lord deeply that so few of us really trust Him with our lives.  Most of the time we're worried and anxious about money, about job security, about interpersonal conflicts, about illness, or loved ones who are suffering, etc.   But Jesus did say we shouldn't be anxious about ANYTHING, and He promised to give us rest if we'll let him carry our burdens.  Here's something else I find amazing:  when He promises rest for His children, he doesn't seem to be talking at all about rest from our labors, or from working.  Instead, He speaks of rest for our SOULS, because He knows this is where we struggle the most with fears and doubts.  SOUL REST.  That's what we really need.  Work Hard when it's time to work - and be at rest in our souls.  Funny thing:  workaholism is a big problem for many of us men - but I believe the root problem of a workaholic is the same thing - fear.  We work too hard, too many hours each week because we're afraid to relax, or afraid to face up to the problems at home, or afraid we'll lose our job if we're not burning the candle at both ends.


What does the Promised Land look like today?  It looks like laughter - lots of it. The deep kind of laughter that hurts your guts, but leaves you feeling absolutely wonderful.  It looks like tears - tears that flow easily; tears of joy, tears of compassion, tears of sorrow for others' pain.  It looks like genuine contentment with whatever God provides, no matter how much or how little, because we know how deeply He cares for us.  It looks like joy that can't be explained, and can't be stolen.  It looks like peace that is beyond understanding.  It looks like relationships that are real, honest, and free of hidden agendas.  It looks like working hard and playing even harder.  It looks like a heart that is continuously grateful, because we don't deserve anything, really.  It looks like humility, and gentleness, and patience.  Real patience - the patience to let God be God in others' lives, and give Him the time and space to work.  It looks like a life filled with memories. . . memories of some hard times, but far more memories of all the wonderful times of blessing with family and intimate friends.  And more than anything, it looks like a heart that is deeply, passionately, in love with Jesus - because if we have Him, we have all the rest.

This is the Land I long to live in every day.

Night from Hell

It's 10:30 and I'm just now dragging myself out of bed.  I spent virtually the entire night awake due to a non-stop incidence of restless legs - and this after having taken my normal medication.  The symptoms have subsided now, but they almost always do by morning time.  I woke up at 7 a.m. after maybe an hour of sleep because I had a breakfast appointment with my dear friend Doug Feil, and I was somehow going to drag myself there because I so enjoy Doug's company.  Daphne took one look at me and wisely called Doug on my behalf to cancel for today.  Bummer.  I honestly don't know what to do.  I've ordered a month's supply of the Neupro patches from Canada - $300 per month even with a prescription, but this is the only medication I've ever taken that truly allowed me to sleep without any RLS symptoms.  If the patches work like they used to, we are hoping that a friend of ours will help us cover the cost to purchase a year's supply.  To be honest, I am getting so desperate to get some sleep that even if our friend doesn't help us I would sacrifice something else to pay for the patches myself.  I sent in the prescription and the order forms 10 days ago; when I called yesterday, I was told it would take another two weeks before I would get the medication (???).  Wow.  This could be a rough two weeks.  I'm preaching this Sunday and next Sunday at church - what happens if I have another night like this on Saturday?  The title for this two-week series is "The Promised Land" . . . ironic that I chose that title, since all-night insomnia is not what I would call Living in the Promised Land.  Actually, now that I think about it, all of God's promises are true for all His children - including those of us with RLS, or Neuromyotonia (like my brother John), or Parkinsons, or Cancer, or . . .   If I can't live today in the knowledge of His presence and His constant care over me - in spite of sleeplessness - then I'm living as a practical athiest.  No, His promises ARE true today, for all of us.  I want to learn what living in the Promised Land looks like today, right now, with my insomnia and feeling drugged all day long.  If His Joy and Peace and Rest aren't my reality right now, then I guess I might as well throw in the towel.  No.  I KNOW He is faithful, and I KNOW I can trust Him, and I KNOW that His children all around the world are experiencing far worse trials than my insomnia.  Lord, give me your perspective!

We went for our normal morning hike two days ago; about half-way along, a woman coming from the other direction said she'd just surprised a mother bear and two cubs a couple hundred yards further on.  We looked for them, but they were long gone by that time.  Then Daphne spotted some elk just off the path ahead of us, and about 13 of them crossed the path and disappeared into the woods.  We've walked this trail a dozen times and never seen any wildlife - when it rains, it pours.