1. A sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
Strange, how a truth that you've known and even taught for years can suddenly, inexplicably, become real.
Restless Leg Syndrome and insomnia have been my (unwelcome) companions for many years now. According to some of my journals, as far back as eight or nine years now. I am grateful for the love and concern expressed by my family members and friends, many of whom have faithfully prayed for years that I would somehow be healed or released from this thorn in my flesh. And yet if I had to use one word to describe my feelings as I look back over these past years it would be loneliness. For hundreds, even thousands of nights I have been a walking zombie ("Night Walkers" as we are sometimes described in medical literature), wandering through our home or even around the neighborhood in the vain hope of finding relief from the demons that climb up and down my lower back and legs. While the world sleeps, I am engaged in a battle that, at times, I feared would end in my own insanity.
I function on a daily basis at around 50-60% of my mental and physical capacity, and there's no way for me to explain to those who've only known me over the past few years that this is not ME, that I wasn't always this way. For most of my life I was full of energy and creativity, with a great capacity to handle a multitude of tasks simultaneously. As the crisis manager for a large Christian organization in one of the most volatile regions of the world, I literally thrived in the intense, high-risk environment of international crisis management. Today, I'm not sure how well I could manage even a single crisis, knowing the level of mental and physical energy that is required for successful crisis resolution. Even a task as simple as writing this blog may take me four or five attempts over two days, as I find myself waking up to see ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff on the screen because I've dozed off with my finger pressing on a key. I have grieved the loss of what once was, and without even realizing it I had started a slow and steady decline into a world of negativity and skepticism.
Several days ago Daphne took the courageous step to confront the problem head-on as she described to me the affect that my negativity and anger were having on her and the girls. She explained to me how they all feel great sadness for my long-term struggle with RLS & insomnia, and they long for a remedy, healing, or some other miracle to deliver me. In the present, however, she had noticed my outlook on everything in life becoming increasingly dark. I couldn't deny it, as I'd felt the darkness closing in on m as well. I also knew that I was feeling intense anger towards God because I know He COULD heal me if He so chose... and he continues to NOT so choose. She challenged me to, in the midst of my battle, try to see the small, positive clues that God IS giving me every day. Later that day as I was working on a new wooden sign for our church I was listening to a podcast sermon on the topic of how to prepare a sermon. The pastor gave two key ingredients for a great sermon: first, to study and prepare well (duh!) and second, to embrace weakness (come again?). The statement that caused me to stop the podcast and rewind was this: " The Glory of God rests upon injured and weakened men; men who ask, 'How can I possibly go on?'" When I hear the same message twice in one day, I've learned to stop and pay attention because God may have entered the room to speak. The speaker went on to say that he believes that most current translations of the Bible mis-translate 2 Corinthians 12:10 : "Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." The word "Content with" should actually be translated as "delight in". God doesn't want us to simply survive our trials with a decent attitude; He wants us to actually delight in them. This concept came like a laser-beam straight into my soul, and I suddenly found myself both repenting and thanking God at the same time. I sensed God saying to me: "My son, you have fought me, blamed me and accused me of not loving you for years. It's time to lay down your anger and bitterness towards me, and learn how I want to use your pain to build myself in you. You say you want to hear my voice; well, this is the way."
My heart and soul have embraced this concept, and my body and mind are slowly coming along. Ironically, since I made the decision to thank God and delight in my sleeplessness I have had three of the best nights ever (5-6 hours of sleep). Last week on Tuesday Mike asked me to preach this last Sunday, to give him time to do some planning for the coming year. On Thursday night I went the entire night without sleep, and on Friday night only got 2-3 hours. I stood up there on Sunday and delivered what I thought was perhaps the most disorganized and disjointed sermon ever. Afterwards, Mike's comment was, "I think that was your best sermon ever!" Really? Seriously?
Well, perhaps there's something to this When I Am Weak, Then I Am Strong idea after all.
New Addition: Follow me via Email
The Blogging program I use has now added a feature that allows you to receive an email message every time there's a new posting to my blog. Just look in the column to the left where it says "Follow the Juniper Tree by Email!", enter your Email address, and (hopefully) PRESTO! No need to look it up on the web anymore. Try it out and leave a comment after this blog entry to tell me if it worked.
Strange, how a truth that you've known and even taught for years can suddenly, inexplicably, become real.
Restless Leg Syndrome and insomnia have been my (unwelcome) companions for many years now. According to some of my journals, as far back as eight or nine years now. I am grateful for the love and concern expressed by my family members and friends, many of whom have faithfully prayed for years that I would somehow be healed or released from this thorn in my flesh. And yet if I had to use one word to describe my feelings as I look back over these past years it would be loneliness. For hundreds, even thousands of nights I have been a walking zombie ("Night Walkers" as we are sometimes described in medical literature), wandering through our home or even around the neighborhood in the vain hope of finding relief from the demons that climb up and down my lower back and legs. While the world sleeps, I am engaged in a battle that, at times, I feared would end in my own insanity.
I function on a daily basis at around 50-60% of my mental and physical capacity, and there's no way for me to explain to those who've only known me over the past few years that this is not ME, that I wasn't always this way. For most of my life I was full of energy and creativity, with a great capacity to handle a multitude of tasks simultaneously. As the crisis manager for a large Christian organization in one of the most volatile regions of the world, I literally thrived in the intense, high-risk environment of international crisis management. Today, I'm not sure how well I could manage even a single crisis, knowing the level of mental and physical energy that is required for successful crisis resolution. Even a task as simple as writing this blog may take me four or five attempts over two days, as I find myself waking up to see ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff on the screen because I've dozed off with my finger pressing on a key. I have grieved the loss of what once was, and without even realizing it I had started a slow and steady decline into a world of negativity and skepticism.
Several days ago Daphne took the courageous step to confront the problem head-on as she described to me the affect that my negativity and anger were having on her and the girls. She explained to me how they all feel great sadness for my long-term struggle with RLS & insomnia, and they long for a remedy, healing, or some other miracle to deliver me. In the present, however, she had noticed my outlook on everything in life becoming increasingly dark. I couldn't deny it, as I'd felt the darkness closing in on m as well. I also knew that I was feeling intense anger towards God because I know He COULD heal me if He so chose... and he continues to NOT so choose. She challenged me to, in the midst of my battle, try to see the small, positive clues that God IS giving me every day. Later that day as I was working on a new wooden sign for our church I was listening to a podcast sermon on the topic of how to prepare a sermon. The pastor gave two key ingredients for a great sermon: first, to study and prepare well (duh!) and second, to embrace weakness (come again?). The statement that caused me to stop the podcast and rewind was this: " The Glory of God rests upon injured and weakened men; men who ask, 'How can I possibly go on?'" When I hear the same message twice in one day, I've learned to stop and pay attention because God may have entered the room to speak. The speaker went on to say that he believes that most current translations of the Bible mis-translate 2 Corinthians 12:10 : "Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." The word "Content with" should actually be translated as "delight in". God doesn't want us to simply survive our trials with a decent attitude; He wants us to actually delight in them. This concept came like a laser-beam straight into my soul, and I suddenly found myself both repenting and thanking God at the same time. I sensed God saying to me: "My son, you have fought me, blamed me and accused me of not loving you for years. It's time to lay down your anger and bitterness towards me, and learn how I want to use your pain to build myself in you. You say you want to hear my voice; well, this is the way."
My heart and soul have embraced this concept, and my body and mind are slowly coming along. Ironically, since I made the decision to thank God and delight in my sleeplessness I have had three of the best nights ever (5-6 hours of sleep). Last week on Tuesday Mike asked me to preach this last Sunday, to give him time to do some planning for the coming year. On Thursday night I went the entire night without sleep, and on Friday night only got 2-3 hours. I stood up there on Sunday and delivered what I thought was perhaps the most disorganized and disjointed sermon ever. Afterwards, Mike's comment was, "I think that was your best sermon ever!" Really? Seriously?
Well, perhaps there's something to this When I Am Weak, Then I Am Strong idea after all.
New Addition: Follow me via Email
The Blogging program I use has now added a feature that allows you to receive an email message every time there's a new posting to my blog. Just look in the column to the left where it says "Follow the Juniper Tree by Email!", enter your Email address, and (hopefully) PRESTO! No need to look it up on the web anymore. Try it out and leave a comment after this blog entry to tell me if it worked.
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