There are many nights when I wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to wake up in the morning rested, alert, and with a clear mind. Instead, I wander the house in the godless hours of the morning, and greet the dawn with a deep, deep weariness that leaves my brain numb and saps my energy and mental acuity.
I don't remember exactly when it was that insomnia became my unwanted and constant companion. I know for sure that I had my first crisis with restless legs syndrome in 2007, when I went 8 days with no sleep and found myself on the verge of a psychotic episode. Perhaps at some point the sleep deprivation caused by severe RLS resulted in the loss of a normal sleep pattern, and has left me where I am today. And where am I today?
I can't remember the last time that I was able to pick up a book and read for more than 2 minutes without falling asleep. I have almost given up reading altogether both out of frustration and my inability to retain almost anything that I've read.
The energy and passion for life that I once enjoyed is now reduced to just trying to get through each day with a positive outlook. I go through each day feeling dull in the head with a deep tiredness behind my eyes - and by 7 in the evening I can barely keep my eyes open.
I stopped driving at night several years ago because I will absolutely fall asleep behind the wheel. On the rare occasions when circumstances force me to drive after dark, I need one of our girls to ride with me to hopefully keep me from falling asleep. Even then I still wander into the opposite lane and scare myself and my passengers half to death.
We have been forced to change our social calendar because I am unable to engage emotionally or mentally after 7 pm. For those who knew me before the insomnia and how intensely I enjoyed fellowship with friends, you can imagine how this new paradigm is killing me. We rarely invite others over or accept evening invitations because I've embarrassed myself too many times by dozing off in the middle of conversations, then waking up in the middle of saying something absurd. I laugh along with everyone else, but I'm weeping on the inside. Weeping for the loss of a life I once enjoyed.
If I could only nap during the daytime and somehow catch up I would probably be OK. But this thorn in my flesh is a double-edged sword because the very act of dozing off sparks some neuro-chemical trigger that sets off the RLS symptoms - and gone is any hope of sleeping during the day. I have not enjoyed the bliss of a real nap in at least five years.
Every part of my being is affected by this ever-present weariness: my creativity, my artistic gifting, my joy and passion for life, my relationships. Those who have met me in the past five years have never known me in a "normal" state of mind. I'm not even sure I recognize myself anymore. I've been prayed over and anointed with oil for healing at least five times. Friends and family who have known me the longest always ask me how I'm sleeping... and while I appreciate their concern, the fact that I'm now known by my insomnia more than anything else saddens me all the more. Daphne and the girls seem to almost forget the way I used to be, and my deep tiredness hurts them too because I am so much of the time disengaged emotionally. This may be the hardest thing of all for me to bear.
I've asked the questions so many times - "God, why won't you heal me? Is this the way I'm going to live the rest of my life? I would rather have chronic pain than this brain-numbing weariness that has robbed me of so much I once enjoyed in life. How are you glorified by this sleep-deprivation? I really don't understand what this is all about. I'm trying to believe experientially what I know to be true theologically - that I am loved and accepted unconditionally; that you are intimately aware of my state; that what should be most important to me is the knowledge of your love." But the experience of these truths eludes me most of the time these days.
I am so tired of being tired all the time. Daphne and I have decided to visit some folks in Colorado Springs who have a ministry of listening and healing prayer, in hopes that God may speak to us in some way to help us understand what this is all about. I must admit, however, that I don't have much hope that it will make any difference.
I will write again after we've been to the Springs. Perhaps the Lord may just meet us there.
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