49th birthday today - and to celebrate the occasion we got dumped on by over a foot of snow. I'm not complaining, as we still love the snow. I recently acquired a snow plow for my pickup truck both to earn a little extra money when it snows, and to plow for the church and a few friends who don't have any means to push the snow around. It beats the heck out of freezing out in the cold on my ATV. I went out at 4:30 this morning to start plowing and got home around 8. So much for sleeping in on your birthday! I learned a good lesson about plowing snow though: plow with gravity, not against it. One of the driveways that I plowed is very long, very steep and very slippery. I tried unsuccessfully to push the snow up the hill, and got stuck several times in the process. Then a friend suggested that I drive up and plow down. Now why didn't I think of that? Must have been some lack in my Auburn education :) Tonight we'll have a special birthday dinner with another friend who shares the same birthday - along with all our kids.
I've been reading "Necessary Endings" by Dr. Henry Cloud -- a thought provoking book. Life is full of beginnings and endings. A time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot. We usually embrace the beginnings but we resist the endings. The fact is, both are a normal part of God's created order, so why do we perceive one as positive and the other as negative? I am fascinated by the way God reproduces timeless biblical principles in nature: if a vinedresser doesn't prune the grapevine, he will end up with an impenetrable mass of leaves and tiny, useless grapes. He not only prunes the dead and sick branches, but even the excess healthy branches are cut to favor the production of fruit.
Henry Cloud speaks of "The Moment" in our lives when we realize that we have to make a painful decision - quit a job, let go of a dream, end an unhealthy relationship. Truth be told, most of us probably reach a number of these "moments" throughout our lifetime, although we may not see them as such at the time. I remember "the moment" when I realized that I had to leave my previous ministry role. I knew that we (our family) would pay a very high price to make such a change, because it would likely mean that we would have to leave France altogether. This is one of the reasons why we resist these "necessary endings", because they almost always come at great cost to ourselves or our businesses. But the alternative - to remain in the status quo - can be even more costly in the end because of the long-term negative impact upon us or our business. We stay too long because change means risk, and better the devil I know than the devil I don't know. It has been almost two years since we made our big change and the move to Colorado. We miss our many friendships in France, but this move has proven to be the best decision in the long run for our family. The crazy part is that I had no intention of leaving France for at least another 5-10 years, and I had many sound reasons to stay. When we finally did decide to sell our home in Saint Sauveur and pack up all our belongings, we couldn't even say where God was leading us - we had a location (Conifer, Colorado), but no clear direction beyond that. For most of my adult life I've believed, and challenged others to believe, that God never leads us from Something to Nothing. Well, He DOES lead us to take a leap of faith at times - maybe just to see if we trust Him enough to let go of our plans. He was waiting for us here when we arrived, and He's walked the road with us ever since. God is so good.
I'll sign off now - got people to do and things to see.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
reflections from a sleep-deprived state
There are many nights when I wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to wake up in the morning rested, alert, and with a clear mind. Instead, I wander the house in the godless hours of the morning, and greet the dawn with a deep, deep weariness that leaves my brain numb and saps my energy and mental acuity.
I don't remember exactly when it was that insomnia became my unwanted and constant companion. I know for sure that I had my first crisis with restless legs syndrome in 2007, when I went 8 days with no sleep and found myself on the verge of a psychotic episode. Perhaps at some point the sleep deprivation caused by severe RLS resulted in the loss of a normal sleep pattern, and has left me where I am today. And where am I today?
I can't remember the last time that I was able to pick up a book and read for more than 2 minutes without falling asleep. I have almost given up reading altogether both out of frustration and my inability to retain almost anything that I've read.
The energy and passion for life that I once enjoyed is now reduced to just trying to get through each day with a positive outlook. I go through each day feeling dull in the head with a deep tiredness behind my eyes - and by 7 in the evening I can barely keep my eyes open.
I stopped driving at night several years ago because I will absolutely fall asleep behind the wheel. On the rare occasions when circumstances force me to drive after dark, I need one of our girls to ride with me to hopefully keep me from falling asleep. Even then I still wander into the opposite lane and scare myself and my passengers half to death.
We have been forced to change our social calendar because I am unable to engage emotionally or mentally after 7 pm. For those who knew me before the insomnia and how intensely I enjoyed fellowship with friends, you can imagine how this new paradigm is killing me. We rarely invite others over or accept evening invitations because I've embarrassed myself too many times by dozing off in the middle of conversations, then waking up in the middle of saying something absurd. I laugh along with everyone else, but I'm weeping on the inside. Weeping for the loss of a life I once enjoyed.
If I could only nap during the daytime and somehow catch up I would probably be OK. But this thorn in my flesh is a double-edged sword because the very act of dozing off sparks some neuro-chemical trigger that sets off the RLS symptoms - and gone is any hope of sleeping during the day. I have not enjoyed the bliss of a real nap in at least five years.
Every part of my being is affected by this ever-present weariness: my creativity, my artistic gifting, my joy and passion for life, my relationships. Those who have met me in the past five years have never known me in a "normal" state of mind. I'm not even sure I recognize myself anymore. I've been prayed over and anointed with oil for healing at least five times. Friends and family who have known me the longest always ask me how I'm sleeping... and while I appreciate their concern, the fact that I'm now known by my insomnia more than anything else saddens me all the more. Daphne and the girls seem to almost forget the way I used to be, and my deep tiredness hurts them too because I am so much of the time disengaged emotionally. This may be the hardest thing of all for me to bear.
I've asked the questions so many times - "God, why won't you heal me? Is this the way I'm going to live the rest of my life? I would rather have chronic pain than this brain-numbing weariness that has robbed me of so much I once enjoyed in life. How are you glorified by this sleep-deprivation? I really don't understand what this is all about. I'm trying to believe experientially what I know to be true theologically - that I am loved and accepted unconditionally; that you are intimately aware of my state; that what should be most important to me is the knowledge of your love." But the experience of these truths eludes me most of the time these days.
I am so tired of being tired all the time. Daphne and I have decided to visit some folks in Colorado Springs who have a ministry of listening and healing prayer, in hopes that God may speak to us in some way to help us understand what this is all about. I must admit, however, that I don't have much hope that it will make any difference.
I will write again after we've been to the Springs. Perhaps the Lord may just meet us there.
I don't remember exactly when it was that insomnia became my unwanted and constant companion. I know for sure that I had my first crisis with restless legs syndrome in 2007, when I went 8 days with no sleep and found myself on the verge of a psychotic episode. Perhaps at some point the sleep deprivation caused by severe RLS resulted in the loss of a normal sleep pattern, and has left me where I am today. And where am I today?
I can't remember the last time that I was able to pick up a book and read for more than 2 minutes without falling asleep. I have almost given up reading altogether both out of frustration and my inability to retain almost anything that I've read.
The energy and passion for life that I once enjoyed is now reduced to just trying to get through each day with a positive outlook. I go through each day feeling dull in the head with a deep tiredness behind my eyes - and by 7 in the evening I can barely keep my eyes open.
I stopped driving at night several years ago because I will absolutely fall asleep behind the wheel. On the rare occasions when circumstances force me to drive after dark, I need one of our girls to ride with me to hopefully keep me from falling asleep. Even then I still wander into the opposite lane and scare myself and my passengers half to death.
We have been forced to change our social calendar because I am unable to engage emotionally or mentally after 7 pm. For those who knew me before the insomnia and how intensely I enjoyed fellowship with friends, you can imagine how this new paradigm is killing me. We rarely invite others over or accept evening invitations because I've embarrassed myself too many times by dozing off in the middle of conversations, then waking up in the middle of saying something absurd. I laugh along with everyone else, but I'm weeping on the inside. Weeping for the loss of a life I once enjoyed.
If I could only nap during the daytime and somehow catch up I would probably be OK. But this thorn in my flesh is a double-edged sword because the very act of dozing off sparks some neuro-chemical trigger that sets off the RLS symptoms - and gone is any hope of sleeping during the day. I have not enjoyed the bliss of a real nap in at least five years.
Every part of my being is affected by this ever-present weariness: my creativity, my artistic gifting, my joy and passion for life, my relationships. Those who have met me in the past five years have never known me in a "normal" state of mind. I'm not even sure I recognize myself anymore. I've been prayed over and anointed with oil for healing at least five times. Friends and family who have known me the longest always ask me how I'm sleeping... and while I appreciate their concern, the fact that I'm now known by my insomnia more than anything else saddens me all the more. Daphne and the girls seem to almost forget the way I used to be, and my deep tiredness hurts them too because I am so much of the time disengaged emotionally. This may be the hardest thing of all for me to bear.
I've asked the questions so many times - "God, why won't you heal me? Is this the way I'm going to live the rest of my life? I would rather have chronic pain than this brain-numbing weariness that has robbed me of so much I once enjoyed in life. How are you glorified by this sleep-deprivation? I really don't understand what this is all about. I'm trying to believe experientially what I know to be true theologically - that I am loved and accepted unconditionally; that you are intimately aware of my state; that what should be most important to me is the knowledge of your love." But the experience of these truths eludes me most of the time these days.
I am so tired of being tired all the time. Daphne and I have decided to visit some folks in Colorado Springs who have a ministry of listening and healing prayer, in hopes that God may speak to us in some way to help us understand what this is all about. I must admit, however, that I don't have much hope that it will make any difference.
I will write again after we've been to the Springs. Perhaps the Lord may just meet us there.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Redneck Snow Plow
A few days ago I acquired a snowplow blade for my truck, which according to my teammates is an unmistakeable sign that I have become a true Redneck. My reply was that I already WAS a redneck, and the addition of the snowplow is just one more part of me living the dream. Mountain Man or Redneck... hmmm, I guess I'll take either designation. Personally, I just chalk it up to "Redneck Envy". One guy even told me that he was genuinely jealous when he saw me plowing the church parking lot after our first winter storm on Saturday: "You're living out what has been one of my life-long dreams". Ha - just as I suspected. I promised to let him get behind the wheel after the next big snow... for a nominal fee. At our men's group last Saturday morning I heard about a place where you drive heavy machinery (bulldozers, dump trucks etc) around a big field, dig holes, move mounds of dirt, and basically just have a blast - for a price. But I totally get it. We men could probably reduce the stress that's slowly killing us with one monthly dose of testosterone-induced activity like sky-diving, bungee-jumping, or destroying old cars by crushing them in a WWII tank. So in reality, I'm extending my life expectancy by driving a snow plow.
The story of how I came by this new equipment is worth telling; My friend Scott has been in the snow-removal business for the last 30 years. At one time he was running four or five snowplows and a crew of eight guys, but for several reasons the business began to decline about three years ago. He decided to get rid of one of his plows, and since we both drive Dodge trucks he offered to donate his plow to me on two conditions: that I would take over his job of clearing the church parking lot and the ranch driveway, and that I would be available as a back-up for his two-man crew in the event of a major storm. He would donate the plow, but I would need to pay $300-400 to install the mounting bracket on the front of my truck. Around this same time I was praying about the idea of donating my ATV to the church, in hopes that we could find a buyer to help offset some critical short-term ministry expenses. My biggest concern about getting rid of the quad was how I would plow our 200 yd driveway this winter, but I went ahead and made the decision to donate it by faith. I was literally on my way to deliver the bike to the church when Scott called with some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that he'd totalled his truck the previous night when he T-boned a woman who ran a red light. The good news was that the insurance company would pay him for the snow-plow bracket that was destroyed in the accident, and he in turn would use that money to buy a new bracket for my truck. What an amazing "coincidence". I took this as a confirmation that I should accept his offer of the snow plow... and the same night that I hooked it up to the truck we had our first winter storm. I never cease to be amazed by God's perfect timing.
Bearly Burger
We had our first bear meat for dinner last night in the form of bear chili. It was very good, and we couldn't discern any difference in taste from beef chili. The meat was so lean that I had to add oil to the mix when I was browning it. I'd heard that bear meat is very fatty, but I tried to keep only the leanest cuts of meat when I was grinding it up.
Our girls had to get over the idea that they were eating bear meat before they could enjoy the chili. Funny how we have no aversion to eating beef simply because we grew up with that taste. I honestly believe that people who won't eat wild game are more put off by the thought than by the taste, but to each his own. If cattle roamed wild and had to be shot by hunters we would probably all be vegetarians.
The story of how I came by this new equipment is worth telling; My friend Scott has been in the snow-removal business for the last 30 years. At one time he was running four or five snowplows and a crew of eight guys, but for several reasons the business began to decline about three years ago. He decided to get rid of one of his plows, and since we both drive Dodge trucks he offered to donate his plow to me on two conditions: that I would take over his job of clearing the church parking lot and the ranch driveway, and that I would be available as a back-up for his two-man crew in the event of a major storm. He would donate the plow, but I would need to pay $300-400 to install the mounting bracket on the front of my truck. Around this same time I was praying about the idea of donating my ATV to the church, in hopes that we could find a buyer to help offset some critical short-term ministry expenses. My biggest concern about getting rid of the quad was how I would plow our 200 yd driveway this winter, but I went ahead and made the decision to donate it by faith. I was literally on my way to deliver the bike to the church when Scott called with some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that he'd totalled his truck the previous night when he T-boned a woman who ran a red light. The good news was that the insurance company would pay him for the snow-plow bracket that was destroyed in the accident, and he in turn would use that money to buy a new bracket for my truck. What an amazing "coincidence". I took this as a confirmation that I should accept his offer of the snow plow... and the same night that I hooked it up to the truck we had our first winter storm. I never cease to be amazed by God's perfect timing.
Bearly Burger
We had our first bear meat for dinner last night in the form of bear chili. It was very good, and we couldn't discern any difference in taste from beef chili. The meat was so lean that I had to add oil to the mix when I was browning it. I'd heard that bear meat is very fatty, but I tried to keep only the leanest cuts of meat when I was grinding it up.
Our girls had to get over the idea that they were eating bear meat before they could enjoy the chili. Funny how we have no aversion to eating beef simply because we grew up with that taste. I honestly believe that people who won't eat wild game are more put off by the thought than by the taste, but to each his own. If cattle roamed wild and had to be shot by hunters we would probably all be vegetarians.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I Don't Beg... I Negotiate
Out of 75 in the class, I was the only one who was neither a cop nor active-duty military. The training was organized by the PATC (Public Agency Training Council), which is the largest privately held law enforcement training company in the nation. Since it's a private company, anyone who's willing to put up the money and the time can participate in any of the 100+ courses they offer (all related to law enforcement). This particular course is taught by the IAHN (above) which was founded by Dominick Misino, a 22 year veteran of the New York Police Department where he served as the primary hostage negotiator for his last 6 years and was involved in over 200 hostage/barricade incidents. One of his most note worthy cases was the negotiated release of 105 people aboard a hijacked Lufthansa aircraft. The suspect was convinced to allow the pilot to land at JFK international airport and then surrender to Dominick on the runway. The training was excellent, and all five of the instructors were highly qualified in their respective fields. We heard from a clinical psychologist who is a consultant and/or primary negotiator in Kidnap for Ransom cases around the world, the former commander of the NYPD hostage negotiation team, the former Director of the Atlanta PD hostage negotiation team, a clinical psychologist from the Miami-Dade PD, and the President of Enforcement Technology Group - a company that specializes in the design and manufacturing of high-tech crisis communications equipment.
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| Me with Dominick and Dr. Hugh McGowan, former commander of the NYPD hostage negotiation team. Hugh has over 1500 hostage/barricade incidents in his 35 year career as a hostage negotiator. |
As I interacted with the other participants throughout the week I quickly came to a stark realization: most of them come from police departments that have teams of trained hostage negotiators and all the advanced crisis communications equipment they could want or need (not to mention a SWAT team to back them up if the situation goes south). I, on the other hand, have only myself and this training to turn to in the event that one of the churches or mission agencies that I've trained finds itself in a hostage crisis situation. That was a sobering thought.
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