Some sadness

I’m writing this from St. Louis Missouri where I’m working with the security team for the 2009 Urbana Student Missions Conference.  Cricon (Crisis Consulting International) has handled security for this conference since 1993.  We have fourteen on our team, most of them current or former law enforcement – so I’m one of the only ones not carrying a weapon.  Actually, in all the years CCI has been running security for this conference they have never needed to draw a weapon.  I was talking to a couple of the guys on the security team and I made the remark that in any other crowd of 17,000 people we would have multiple incidents each session (fights, drunken disorderliness etc); it’s a testimony to the Lord’s presence here that the conference runs so smoothly.  Each night after the last session we divide into teams to patrol the routes that the participants walk to get back to their hotels, just to be sure they make it safely.  Last night one of our teams was flagged down by some of the students who were concerned about a woman who was "sick" and needed help.  She was sick alright... and stone drunk.  The guys took away her car keys (she wasn't from the conference) and stayed with her until the Saint Louis cops arrived to take over.

Being here has been a strange experience for me.  I was just attending a seminar called “Islamic Terrorism – How Shall We Then Live?”   As I was listening to the speaker describe the current situation in the Middle East, I was surprised by the feelings of grief that welled up in my heart that we are no longer involved in NAMESTAN.  I thought to myself “I could be teaching this seminar” – not in a prideful way, but it felt strange to be present as a member of the security team and not one of those involved in running the seminars.  I don’t doubt the Lord’s leading for us to return to the States, but it is still a hard reality for me to emotionally accept that in our “new life” here I have no status or recognition.  There are aspects of being known only for who we are and not what we do that are both refreshing and encouraging.  But I guess I wasn’t expecting the feelings of sadness that well up from time to time.  I’ve watched our girls as they have been navigating the waters of reverse culture shock, thinking that I had managed to remain unscathed by all our transitions.  I was wrong.  I love Colorado, and we love living in the mountains  - that’s not the issue.  I guess these are some of the harder realities that come with a mid-career change.

    



About a week before Christmas we joined our friend Kathy for some Cowboy Caroling down the hill in the town of Golden.  We thought it was an annual event, but we found out later that this was the first time they tried it  - no wonder the neighbors were so surprised to see a bunch of singing cowboys and cowgirls show up in front of their homes!  It was a lot of fun, and the singing wasn’t half bad for a bunch of people who had never practiced singing together.  There weren’t enough horses for all the singers, so Daphne took pictures while I rang the doorbells.  There was even a Christmas parrot that joined the parade.  A few days later Jacqueline and I went ice-skating on Evergreen lake – our first time to skate on anything but an ice-rink where there are walls to hold on to.  Actually, we found out it was easier to skate BECAUSE there were no walls to hold on to.  Of course, the bruise on my left hip will remain with me as a reminder that I am still not a competent skater, but it was worth it to have time with Jacqueline.

Colorado Christmas

     The fire is crackling in the fireplace, the sun is shining, and we all slept in late - life is good ;)

     We had a really funny situation last night.  We were invited over for dinner with our new friends Tim and Kathy, and Kathy had invited two other couples to meet us as well.  We arrived around 6:30, and Tim met us at the door and said something like, "Come on in. We're pretty laid back this evening".  We went upstairs and Kathy met us in sweatpants with a paintbrush in her hand.  She had a funny look on her face - and it was one of those awkward moments when you suddenly realize that you came on the wrong evening.  We all started laughing, and Tim said, "Well, since you're here, why don't we order some pizzas and watch a movie!"  It was hilarious, and their relaxed attitude immediately relieved our embarrassment.  We stayed until almost 10 pm, and tonight we're going back for the replay :)

     Tim and I went out to pick up some pizzas, and of course we had to stop by the store to buy some beer first (after all, that's what you do in America, right?).  I can't remember what we were talking about, but as we got out of the car I said said something like, "I'm still trying to figure it out..."  There was a woman standing outside the store smoking a cigarette, and she said in her gravely voice, "Hey, when you get it figured out, let me know - 'cause I'm still trying to get it all figured out!".  We ended up on the same aisle inside the store, and Tim and I watched in amazement as she picked up two cartons of 30 cans of beer each.  I asked her (tongue in cheek) if she thought she could make due with only 60 cans.  "After the day I've had," She said, "I'll probably drink one whole carton tonight."  We checked out, then drove around the corner to pick up a couple of pizzas.  We were standing there waiting for our order, and the same lady walked in.  Tim looked at her and said, "Are you stalking us?"  We laughed, and I turned to the cashier and said, "She'll probably be ordering four pizzas for herself."  As we left Tim said to her in passing "We're going back to my house now - see you there."  I loved it.  It was a great example of the small-town atmosphere that we so much enjoy.

    Our shipment arrived two days ago, and our friend Sharon came with a U-Haul to pick up her belongings from the container,  along with a couple of guys from her church.  There's still quite a bit of snow on the ground, and the truck driver tried unsuccessfully about 10 times to back the truck into our driveway.  They even put chains on the tires - but no luck.  He finally drove straight in, and we got the whole thing unloaded with no personal injuries or broken furniture.  Our only regret is that we'll have to load it all up again to move to our new home in the next month or two.

     I spent last Thursday evening with two men from the church.  The normal men's group had been cancelled, so I suggested to these two guys that we meet for some fellowship.  I've mentioned them in a previous blog:  Scott and Carrie are the couple who've lost three of their four children in the past five years - two by motorcycle accident in 2004, and the third who died December 27th two years ago - at age 17.   This will be the first Christmas since their son Chris's death that they will remain home for Christmas; the last two years they left home because the pain was simply too great to bear.  Ted is the fellow who's lost virtually everything he has in the past two years - his home in Maryland, his ability to work through an accident a year ago this month, and he's estranged from all three of his sons.  He and his wife Bea live in a two room cabin that they're heating with the wood stove, and they struggle to pay the $600 rent each month.  You know, every time I'm tempted to have a pity party for myself the Lord introduces me to people who are living through pain that I can scarcely imagine.  Their reality just seems to bring life into focus.

      As we sat in Scott's living room talking and crying together, I told them how amazing it is that this Christmas will be so significant for all three of our families - for different reasons, and in different circumstances - and yet we have the opportunity to care for one another during what can be a very difficult Christmas season.  There's just something very healing in that thought.

     God really does love us, and He really does care how His children feel;  I can see this in how He has brought us together with these two families, with Tim and Kathy, and with this church.  I am a grateful man.

   I  just returned from a driving lesson with Karine, and we came upon these beautiful deer - what a great place to live.

Life Below Zero

     Well, we sure picked the winter to arrive in Colorado!  The past few days have seen some of the coldest temperatures on record, and it is not unusual for the thermometer on the car to read -15 degrees when I take the girls to the bus stop at 6 am.  There's a winter weather alert for our area this morning due to high winds, blowing snow and a wind-chill factor down to -20.  We're very grateful to have a home to rent, but our tolerance for the cold is being tested as the boiler has been shutting down due to frozen pipes and other problems I haven't been able to figure out.  Most mornings we wake up to the thermostat showing 54 or 55 degrees Fahrenheit,  and I'm getting used to rising before 5am to light a fire in the fireplace so at least the living room is a little warm for Daphne and the girls when they get up.  I'm not complaining really - we're just learning how 'mountain folk' manage to survive and thrive up here.


I've been compiling a running list of what it's like to live life below zero:

1. When going outside for any reason, always wear every piece of warm clothing you have in your possession.  It's tempting to think, "I'll be in my warm car"... and then you see three cars on the side of the road that have spun-out on the ice - and the owner standing outside trying to figure out how to get his/her car back on the road.  Kind of embarassing if you're only wearing your pyjamas and a winter coat!

2. Steps to filling up your car at the gas station:

a. Get out of the car, swipe your credit card, try to push the buttons with your gloves on but the machine can't detect through the gloves.
b. Take off your gloves and push the buttons again... and then see on the screen "operation timed-out".
c. Start all over again - by which time you can't feel your nose or fingers anymore.
d. Get the pump running, jump back in the car and wait until you hear the "clunk" that tells you the tank's full.
e. Get out of the car and put the hose back in its place, jump back in the car, then realize that in your hurry to get warm again you forgot to close the gas cap.
f. Get back out, close the gas cap, jump back in the car and drive away.

3.  Dixie.  For some reason, when it's well below zero and the wind is blowing snow across the porch, Dixie doesn't seem inclined to go outside to "do her business".  Can't figure that one out.  I actually shoveled a pathway (see shoveling snow below) from the front door, around the deck and out to the yard to simplify her life, but she doesn't appreciate all my hard work.  So we have little yellow stains in the snow right outside the front and back doors.  She has a little 'jacket' that Nicole bought for her, and she's content to wear it 24/7 - indoors and out of doors.  Actually, she's adapted pretty well to life in the mountains.

4. Shoveling snow. After shoveling the driveway a couple of times, I now understand why 'real' men buy a four-wheel all terrain vehicle (like a motorcycle on steroids) with a snow plow on the front.  If you don't shovel the snow when it's fresh and light, you'll have to shovel snow AND a layer of ice that's formed beneath the snow.  At 8,800 feet in altitude, you can work up a pretty good sweat - even below zero.

5.  Conversations.  Start every conversation - whether at the bank, with the cashier at the grocery store, with acquaintances you meet - with the sentence:  "Boy, it sure is cold outside!"  And you end every sentence with, "Stay warm!"   Easy for you to say, you've got a boiler that works!

We love living in the mountains!


 

We've Been Adopted

     Jacqueline's made a new friend at school.  Her name is Sabrine, and she has a French mother and American father.  When she found out that Jacqueline speaks French she was so excited, and asked her for our phone number.  To our surprise, her mother Kathy (Katrine) called Daphne last Thursday and they spoke for over 30 minutes in French.  Kathy invited us over for dinner Friday evening, and she invited another friend named Rachel with her two daughters.  We had a wonderful evening, and the girls immediately hit it off with Kathy's & Rachel's daughters and Kathy's son Vincent.  Kathy's husband Tim shares my love of hunting and fly fishing, so we had plenty to talk about together.  Kathy is an amazing blend of French and American at the same time - and we hit it off immediately.  They have two horses of their own, and when Kathy heard that our girls love horses she suggested that we meet up again at the annual Conifer Christmas Parade yesterday, then come back over to their house to "meet" her horses Dakota and Calypso.

     We went to the parade and absolutely loved it.  Many of the local businesses, cub scouts, clubs etc had their own floats, and it was a great "community" experience.  In Conifer, Santa and Mrs Claus ride on a red firetruck!  It was great fun, and we met up with Kathy, Sabrine and Rachel at the parade.  It was a glorious, sunny day - all the more amazing since another winter storm has set in today.

I have to show you a few pictures from the parade, just so you get a flavor of the Conifer culture.  There were lots of horses, dogs, vintage vehicles, a tractor, and plenty of candy handed out along the way.  The parade route was about a mile long, and it seemed like the whole town was out to watch the festivities. After the parade was over we drove back to Kathy's house and met her two horses.  She and Tim had never owned horses, and she learned everything she knows (and she knows a lot) from reading books and through an Australian horse trainer who lives here in Denver.  Kathy wanted to give us some of the Elk meat from Tim's last kill, so we went back to her house - and ended up staying for lunch and didn't head for home until about 5pm.  Kathy shared with us that she's had two battles with breast cancer over the past several years, and I was amazed at her openness and vulnerability.  At one point Tim said, "I've got to tell you, this is the first time we've entertained in probably over a year due to Kathy's chemo and recovery."  The most amazing part is that Kathy pursued us - we had nothing to do with it.  Tim asked me how we ended up in Colorado - which led to a lengthy explanation as you can well imagine.  We told them about the dual miracles of our house and car being sold only days before our departure, and how we somehow 'knew' that God was going to come through.

We don't know if Tim and Kathy are Christians; but after we finished our story Kathy said, "I am really moved by what you've said, because not long after Sabrine met Jacqueline she came to me and said, 'Mommy, I think God has answered my prayers for a friend,'"  Daphne and I looked at one another, and I'm sure we had the exact same thought - God is so good.  We were both immediately reminded of how God brought us a friendship with our dear friends Jacques and Marie in France - and in much the same way they pursued us and adopted us, and have become life-long friends. 

There is a house for sale across the street from their home, and we asked our realtor (Bob) if he could show it to us yesterday evening.  At 5pm Daphne and I met Bob at the house, and I told him that we have some friends who live in the house across the way.  Bob's reply was, "Boy, you guys are sure making friends left and right!"  You know, he's right, and it's all a gift from the Lord.

Last night I decided to go to a men's group from the church we've been attending.  It was bitter cold last night - somewhere around -8 degrees Fahrenheit, and only five of us showed up.  When I arrived, one of the guys - Ted - was sharing how he'd injured himself last year while working at a bison ranch near here in Evergreen.  That led to some hunting and fishing stories, and one guy talked about hunting elk  near his home last month, and he came upon two mountain lions on a fresh deer kill.  He tried to show us how he beat a hasty retreat walking backwards - he looked like a bad imitation of Michael Jackson doing the Moon Walk.  After awhile Dave, the group leader, asked an open question: the motto of the group is a Latin phrase meaning "To Be, and not simply to Exist" - so what did we think it means?  Tom was the first one to speak up.  Now, I have to describe Tom before I say what he wanted to share.  He is about fifty, shaved head, a goatee beard and two earrings... and he absolutely exudes the joy of the Lord.  He and his wife have seven children (she's Greek, so that makes sense).  For many years he was in a heavy metal band in L.A. - wearing spandex pants and both using and dealing crack cocaine.  After the Lord saved him in a dramatic way about 20 years ago, he decided that playing the guitar in a rock band was stupid, and he stopped playing altogether.  Until very recently, his two youngest kids didn't even know that he played the guitar.  When they found this church a few months ago, he had another supernatural experience with the Lord.  One Sunday he felt the Lord say to him in a very clear way, "I want you to play in this worship band."  After a fast of over 17 years he picked the guitar back up, and much to his surprise he was playing just like before after only a couple of days.  He's now realized that playing the guitar is a gift from the Lord, and he is SO excited and full of joy!

     Before Tom even finished sharing, Ted (Buffalo cowboy) butted in and said, "You have no idea how your playing influenced my wife and I!"  He went on to explain that he and his wife had moved to Colorado from Missouri two years ago to serve with a Christian ministry here.  They sold their home and all their belongings and came here - only to discover within a short time that the whole "ministry" was a sham.  When he confronted the Pastor of the church about issues of obvious sin and cover-up, they were kicked out of the meeting and out of their church-provided home.  They lost all that they had, and were now homeless.  Another couple who'd also left the church took them in for several weeks until Ted could find some kind of work - Ted calls them their "Angels of Mercy".  He found the Buffalo Cowboy job and everything seemed to be going well, until he had his accident and was no longer able to work.  For the past year he and his wife have been struggling to find work and make ends meet, wondering why in the world the Lord had allowed all this to happen.  A couple of weeks ago they saw a sign for the church and decided to visit.  For some reason the worship music touched both of them deeply, and Ted went up to Tom after the service to thank him for being used of the Lord to encourage his heart.  Of course, there was no way that either man could know (until last night) the whole story of how the Holy Spirit had touched both of their lives.

     I decided to jump in and share that we had just resigned from 20 years with the same organization, and that we are in the midst of the most significant transition of our lives.  I briefly explained the story of my own experience with burn-out and how the Lord met with us this past summer through the counseling, and through long periods of reflection and prayer together.  For some reason, as I opened my heart to these men whom I'd never met, I felt enormous emotion welling up inside me and I nearly burst into tears.  Of course, true to form as a man I was able to choke back the dam that seemed about to break inside me.  What struck me though was the obvious feeling of safety that every man around the table felt, and that allowed us to be 'real' with each other.  I know the Lord is still gently pushing and prodding me to take the risk of allowing the depth of my emotion to show, rather than feeling the need to stuff it down inside. 

     The last man to share is named Scott, and his story blew everything else out of the water.  As Scott started to speak, Dave said to the rest of us, "Hold on!"   He was the only one in the group who knew what was coming.   Scott is the only in the group who is a true Colorado "Native" - having lived here his entire life. For many years Scott served as the President of the Search and Rescue team for Park County (where he lives) and the neighboring Jefferson County, before moving into the field of computer technology.  He and his wife had four children - two girls and two boys, and both boys (I assume twins) were born with the terminal illness of Cystic Fibrosis.  At age 14 his son Shaun declared that he was not going to die of this disease, and that he was going to join the military at age 18.  Scott tried to give his son a dose of reality, knowing that Shaun would never be accepted because of his chronic illness.  Well, Shaun proved everyone wrong and became the first Cystic Fibrosis sufferer to ever be accepted in the U.S. military.  He chose the arduous option of becoming a paratrooper, and successfully completed both his basic training and paratrooper school.  In 2004 Shaun was home on leave and took his little sister out for a ride on his motorcycle.  While traveling at high speed he hit a patch of loose gravel, and slid into the line of oncoming traffic.  Both he and his little sister were killed instantly.  The four of us, all husbands and fathers, sat there stunned as Scott shared this most life-shattering experience we could ever imagine.  He said that the funeral procession of cars was over a mile long, and some 800 people came to show their support for Scott and his family.  I wish I could say that his heart-wrenching story ended there - but it didn't.  Scott said that the church they were attending at the time was a wonderful help right up to the memorial service... and then everyone simply disappeared.  He and his wife felt like they had leprosy, because no one would speak to them or reach out to them in their pain and sorrow.  Their experience of being "shunned" in the midst of their most desperate moment is sadly all too common, as most of us are wrapped up in our own issues and we lean away from others' pain, rather than leaning into it with comfort and shared sorrow. 

    Shaun's brother never really recovered from the shock and sorrow of losing his only brother.  He went into a period of deep rebellion, and then - unbelievably - took his own life in 2006.  I couldn't believe my ears.  I felt like I was sitting in the presence of Job as he recounted the loss of all those he held dear in life.  Scott said that three years down the road he and his wife are just barely beginning to climb out of their intense sorrow and sense of loss.  As we ended our memorable evening together, Scott (through tears) made this statement: "As I have listened to what you've all shared, I believe that God is doing something very significant in this community, and this evening is no accident." 

     I'm sure he's right, and God just gave me another glimpse of why He has brought us here.