We're supposed to get some snow this weekend. With all the adjustments of a new house, new school, new friends, new church... a little winter magic ] always helps to lift our spirits. After 10 days in Colorado, we're slowly but surely adapting to the altitude and to life in the mountains. Last night I called a number from a local online bulletin board about some firewood - and spent the next 30 minutes on the phone with Ron, a retired veteran who supplements his social security income by cutting and delivering firewood. When he found out we're new to the area, his response was, " Well, I've been here 30 years, and let me teach you a few things about living in the mountains." Of course, it didn't matter that I hadn't asked for a free telephone lesson, but I honestly enjoyed his ramblings about where to look for a home, to be aware of northern exposure properties (much more snow), where the cheapest property taxes are etc. He's willing to help me out with some wood to "get by" on if I'll come and help him cut and stack firewood for half a day - I love it.
Yesterday Daphne and I had a long lunch with Mike and Amy. Mike is the pastor of The Journey Community Church that meets in the Conifer High School cafeteria. I quickly found my heart drawn to Mike's last Sunday as he answered questions from their podcast audience; he was honest, transparent and vulnerable about his own shortcomings and struggles. The whole church staff - other than Mike and Amy - are under 30. When they decided to launch a church plant in the Denver area their whole team decided to pool their resources and live in the same apartment building - and over a year later they're still there. As a team they now manage three apartment buildings, and they've started a coffee shop and a thrift store as well. The combined income generated these businesses has not only helped the church stay afloat, but they've been able to help many in the local community who have been hard-hit by the recession.
I admit that it all sounded a little "cultish" at first, but as Mike explained their vision about wanting to stay in close contact with each other, and grow deeper in their relationships as a church staff, I grew to appreciate their vision. Any group of people who can work and live in close proximity to each other for an extended period of time - with all the inevitable relational struggles - and still demonstrate love and and a genuine sense of community have my admiration.
This first week of school has overall been a good one for the girls - even with a good dose of anxiety and loneliness thrown in. We recognize that they are pulling the heaviest load of this move to Colorado by arriving three months into the school year to a new school and a whole new philosophy of education. We told them a couple of nights ago how proud we are of each one of them - for their courage, their willing hearts, and even their transparency with us in the midst of the most significant and difficult transition we have ever faced as a family.
Yesterday we faced our first real test. One of the girls experienced a total melt-down in the morning about going to school, and after a very tense and emotional discussion she stayed home while the rest of us left for the day. I confess that it shook me deeply, and throughout the day I found myself struggling with fear and anxiety: were we on our way down the road of teenage rebellion and defiance? When we got home, we were greeted by a very repentant and embarrassed daughter who was grieved by her own behavior. My heart went from anger to compassion in about one minute. We gathered together on our bed in a family pow-wow, and we all agreed that whatever happens - and no matter how hard our lives may become - we have to stay together as a family. We are all we have to hold on to right now. It was one of the sweetest, most significant discussions we've ever had as a family - and once more I thank the Lord for the journey we are on. Exciting, scary, emotional, wonderful, overwhelming... and at every turn we meet the Good Shepherd with a big grin on His face, encouraging us to hang on for the ride.
BROKENNESS
My Dad asked me what thoughts I have on brokenness as he prepares to give a devotional in Orlando next week. Well, I do have some thoughts. I recently listened to a sermon (recommended by my brother John) by Tim Keller on the Prodigal Son. One of the points he made that has stuck with me ever since is that God not only desires for us to repent when convicted of sin... but His desire is for us to live LIVES OF REPENTANCE & BROKENNESS. There is a world of difference between a person who repents, and a repentant person. Why does God love brokenness so much? Why do the scriptures abound with examples of broken vessels being used mightily by God (Moses, Elijah, David, Paul)? Could it be that only a broken vessel is a truly useful vessel?
Repentance and Brokenness are not a one-time experience in the life of a believer. It seems that God brings us repeatedly to the altar of brokenness throughout our lives, and these moments of deep sorrow and repentance appear to become more and more frequent the older we grow with the Lord - to the point that we're living as broken people, but people whom the Lord can use greatly. The more we get out of the way, the more He uses us - what a paradox. I confess: I don't enjoy the "altar" moments in my life. They are so often painful and humiliating, and my pride takes a hit every time. And yet the more my heart is broken, the more He seems to use me. And you know what the craziest part of all is? The times He uses me the most are the times I am most unaware that He is using me at all.
As believers we've learned to "play the game" with one another, meaning we know what words to use, or what facial expressions or tone of voice most communicate sorrow or remorse. And the scary part is that we can actually convince ourselves that we really ARE sorrowful or remorseful - yet without ever reaching true brokenness. We're really only deceiving ourselves because the person across from us can read us like a book, and we all have an internal, God-given sense of what real repentance and brokenness look and "feel" like in others. We just aren't as perceptive about our own hearts. So what does a broken, repentant person look like?
- a life characterized by humility
- an almost total lack of defensiveness when confronted by others. A repentant person knows that he screws up - and there's nothing to hide. God is his/her defender.
- A life that is both inward focused and outward focused: inward, because we know who we ARE and who we ARE NOT. Outward, because we long to show the same love and care for others that God has demonstrated towards us.
- A teachable heart that is always learning and always growing.
- A LONG hesitation before giving advice or counsel to others, because he/she knows that the Holy Spirit is the best teacher in the world, and what we have to say is only useful when inspired by Him. And as I said above, we most often don't even know when He is choosing to use us.
- And most of all - a life characterized by a deep, deep trust and friendship with Jesus. There is great strength and moral fortitude in the heart of one who's heart is bound up with Jesus. No need to perform. No need to prove anything. Just a continual amazement that God would even want to use us at all.
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