Update from Jim

August 19, 2009


Dear beloved team and precious friends,

Daphne and I are so grateful for the many, many messages we've received from you all - your words of comfort and affirmation have been a true balm to our hearts. Please forgive us if we have not replied personally to each of your messages; we just can't keep up at this time. Please keep sending your thoughts and prayers to us - we just ask for your understanding if you don't hear back from us right away. I want to share some important with all of you, and rather than creating a new message, I decided to copy you on an email that I just sent to our National Directors and the team in our headquarters in France.

________________________

The past six weeks have been perhaps the most significant weeks of our lives. I could never have imagined all that has happened - starting with my own "burn-out" in early July, my quick departure for Colorado, all the things we have been learning about the Lord, about ourselves and about why we do what we do. We have been surrounded by your prayers, and our every need has been provided for. We have been loved by two wonderful counselors, and we are not only growing in understanding ourselves, but Daphne and I have gone much deeper in our love relationship with each other. I am deeply grateful to the Lord for all the ways He has shown us His love and compassion these past six weeks; God is so deep and profound that I could spend 100 lifetimes - and all of eternity - learning about His character and what it is like to live in a love relationship with Him.

The past year has been one of tremendous spiritual growth and insight for both Daphne and I. On August 10th last year, we were nearing the end of our sabbatical in the States. I had taken the sabbatical because I was weary and needing extended time to rest and reflect. I was struggling deeply in my soul about a number of different issues, and if I am honest I have to say that I was not looking forward to returning to France. I knew our time of rest was coming to an end, and I did not feel ready to jump back into the crazy pace of life that I knew was waiting for me. We were in Oregon visiting Dick Guffey, and it was a Sunday. I was fasting that day - and I was begging the Lord to show us what we should do. For the first time in our lives we put a fleece before the Lord - actually, we put out three fleeces. We needed to hear from the Lord, and we needed to know if there was a future for us in NAMESTAN. God met us in a very, very significant way while we were in church that day... and the past year has been a time of hearing from the Lord in ways that were out of the ordinary for us. On September 11th, soon after we returned home, I had a very real and (I realize now) prophetic dream. The Lord revealed the meaning of the dream 10 months later - about 2 weeks before I hit my own personal crisis. Over those 10 months, Daphne and I were approached by different people (at least six or seven times) who would tell us there was something important they needed to share with us that they believed was from the Lord. I have to say that this has NOT been our normal experience with the Lord, and we did not ask for or seek any of these communications. But to our amazement all of these "prophetic" words pointed in the same direction: God was going to bring significant change to us as well as the team in NAMESTAN. What does one do with supernatural communication like this? We filed these events away, and "pondered" them in our hearts. Then came the day of prayer and fasting on Tuesday, June 30th when we all gathered to seek God's guidance for the future of the regionalization plan. I know many of you joined with our team on that day. Our AOA team met for the whole morning, and we had a wonderful time of worship and seeking the face of the Lord. At the end of that morning, I asked those who were still present to be silent before the Lord for a period of time, and then - if they were willing - to share anything the Lord may have spoken to them. As different staff began to share, I started writing their thoughts down on the white board. I wrote 10 or 15 things, and almost all of them pointed again to the same place: a time of pruning was coming. Two days later I hit the wall, and I was brought to Colorado for rest and counseling. Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidences with the Lord. I cannot say all that the Lord may want to change in us, or in our organization. I can only say for myself that I could no longer continue with the pace of life I was trying to keep, with the travel schedule, with the expectations that I felt (real or imagined) upon me. I just woke up one day and realized: I cannot do this any longer.

During these past six weeks Daphne and I have learned a great deal about ourselves and what motivates us in our lives and ministry - much of which we shared in my earlier email "epistle". During this time I have taken a long, often painful journey through the past 46 years of my life - and especially the past 20 years in full-time ministry. I have many, many wonderful memories that I will treasure forever - memories of each one of you and special moments the Lord has given me with you. Even in the midst of my own internal struggles, or in my discouragement with the ministry - the greatest joy of my life has been to know each of you. The Lord has built deep, wonderful, vulnerable relationships that I will keep and treasure for the rest of my life. Each of you - the operations team, AOA team, and all our staff - you have been the reason that kept me persevering, even when I felt I was reaching the bottom of my own emotional well. My love for you will never change, and I consider it a privilege to have served with you and alongside you for the past 10 years.

My journey inward, however, has brought me to one inescapable conclusion: I cannot and should not continue serving as Director of Operations and Crisis Management. I want to let you all know that I have resigned from these roles, and from my role on the leadership team. I have already informed Henri, the leadership team and my operations team in Paris of my decision. It is now time for me to share this news with all of you. I have not reached this decision hastily, or in anger. Rather, after weeks of prayer, long conversations with Daphne and our girls, and discussions with our counselors here, I believe this chapter in our lives has come to an end. Even though I know this is the right decision for me and my family, I have to be honest in sharing that I have wept many tears over the thought of no longer serving alongside all of you. A part of my heart has been ripped out because of the deep love I have for all of you. I did not come to the States with this decision in mind. To the contrary, I wanted to "get better" so I could return to my ministry in NAMESTAN. However, as I stepped out of all my responsibilities and as I took time to rest, I began to understand some of the deeper issues of my heart. I wasn't able to see these things before because I was running so fast, trying to do so many things all at once. This has been my biggest challenge: my own internal drive to "succeed", combined with a deep need to please others and the need to "perform" have brought me to the place of physical, emotional and spiritual burn-out. I don't know if I shared this with any of you or not before I left, but it might be of some help in understanding where I am today. When Kevin Shaw and Pat Burroughs came to do the operations assessment in May, Kevin suggested that I take advantage of an online job compatibility tool called the "Harrison Assessment". It's not a personality assessment like Myers-Briggs, but it rather assesses one's suitability (according to strengths and natural "bent") for a specific type of role. I took the assessment in light of a "C" level position (Chief Operations Officer, Chief Executive officer etc). The results came back (51 pages worth) with this bottom line: you are not suited to this role. Some time later when I was able to talk with a coach on the phone (who is a believer), he said to me: "Jim, I am seeing something in your Harrison that concerns me, and I checked with another coach who has done thousands of these assessments and we both agree. There are two words we would give to describe your situation: "Perfect Storm". He went on to explain that according to the job (sorry, jobs) I was trying to fill, and according to the natural strengths and gifting God has given me, I was at risk of serious burn-out. As soon as he said those words, I knew without a doubt that he was right, and I began to weep on the phone. He said that I had been pretty successful in my jobs, but my ambition to succeed far outstripped my ability to cope with the stress. The only reason I was successful is that I was constantly adapting to compensate for my weaknesses, and I was adapting at great price to myself. I fact, when I got here the Psychiatrist said exactly the same thing: I believes I have been suffering from adjustment disorder, which simply means I have lived with a number of known stressors , for a extended time, and I have been constantly adjusting until I can't do it any more. My own addiction to productivity and my strong tendency to be a people pleaser - - combined with our CCC culture of activity, urgency and performance are not a healthy mix for me or my family. I sense the Lord is asking us to make a radical change, but what change exactly we do not yet know.

Daphne, Nicole and Jacqueline will return to France on August 24th. I will remain here in Colorado into September, because I realize that I have a need for time alone to reflect, read and pray. I am not a "loner" as you all well know; but I sense that the Lord has more to say to me than I have yet been able to hear. I hope to be back with my family sometime in September, and we will take it one day at a time as we wait upon the Lord.

Although Daphne and I believed the Lord had been preparing us for some change, we never expected that the changes would be of this nature. I am not naive, and I understand that my resignation is not only a huge change for me and my family, but it will be a significant cost for all of you as well. I do not rejoice in causing pain or sadness for any of you, but at the same time I know that the Lord has each one of us in our own personal journey and He will use all these events somehow, some way in our hearts.

I love you and I care deeply for each one of you,

with a bitter-sweet feeling in my heart,
Jim