Feet planted firmly in mid-air

     Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are trying to get somewhere (or more often trying to get away from something) but your legs just won't move fast enough? In my dreams I have an urgent need to move or run, but I end up rising up in the air and I can't get any traction on the ground - it is so frustrating! Well, that's about how we feel right now in "real life". Our house is on the market here in France, but no serious offers as of today. We have a home we would love to buy in Conifer, but no cash to buy it until our house sells here. We know we are leaving our responsibilities here, but we don't have any clear confirmation for the next steps there. We've said many good-byes here, but we aren't yet leaving... you get the idea.

   


     Daphne comes up with the best metaphors to describe our journey, and I have to share this one with you. One of Daphne's favorite places in the world is the Drakensberg mountains in South Africa. She used to spend a great deal of time hiking all over this dramatic, rugged mountain range.  One of the most difficult and hair-raising challenges is to scale the famous chain ladder with a full pack on your back.  You feel like the weight of the pack is going to cause you to fall back into space, and there is a great sense of relief when you reach the top. 


    
      Imagine the scene in the picture to the right - climbing the ladder in thick mist.  As you climb you feel secure in your knowledge that the ladder is firmly bolted to the cliff face.  Suddenly a trapeze comes swinging in out of the mist and you grab it with one hand. You feel you should let go of the ladder and take the swing in both hands... but then what?  Swing out into the mist, not knowing where it will end?  None of us would willingly or quickly take such an enormous risk, and yet this is where we find ourselves right now - in between, with no firm ground in either direction.  For reasons we don't understand, this seems to be exactly where the Lord wants us to be.  It is a very uncomfortable place, but we've been here many times before.  So we wait, and pray, and try to let go of the ladder.

    

"I can do all things..."?

I've been reading through the book "Margin", and this morning I was struck by the following insight:

"All systems have limits. Human beings are systems, and as such have physical, emotional and mental limits... Physical limits are easiest to recognize. A room of a given size can hold only so much furniture. We might comfortably put ten pieces of furniture in the room and possibly even thirty. But we would not try to put one thousand tables and chairs in a room too small to hold them. This would overload the room in a visibly foolish way..., Performance limits are related to physical limits but also introduce the factor of will...and we are often not quite as willing to accept the fact that there are limits. This is where stress fractures come from - people want to push themselves just beyond the limit of breakdown. Emotional limits are even more vague. How much straining can the psyche withstand before being overloaded? Physically, most of us could carry a one-hundred pound person on our back. But we could not carry ten. We would not even try. Our refusal would not be viewed as a statement against carrying people but rather a statement about physical limits, overload and pain. What is clear to us in the context of physical limits is less clear regarding emotional limits... you might be able to emotionally "carry" one person. But what about five? Ten? One hundred? Where should we draw the line?

In running and swimming, we continue to break old records nearly every year... but there must be an end to this, true? We cannot run the mile in one second. Neither will it ever be possible for anyone to run it in one minute. So it is in life. We are not infinite. The day does not have more than twenty-four hours. We do not have an inexhaustible source of human energy. We cannot keep running on empty. Limits are real, and despite what some stoics might think, limits are not even an enemy - overloading is the enemy.

Some will respond: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Can you? Can you fly? Can you go six months without eating? Neither can you live a healthy life chronically overloaded. God did not intend this verse to represent a negation of life-balance. Jesus did not heal all, He did not minister to all, He did not visit all, and He did not teach all. It is God the creator who made limits, and it is the same God who placed them within us for our protection. We exceed them at our peril."

__________________________

We have been working flat-out to finish the "touch-up" points on our house to make it more attractive to potential buyers. I put it up for sale online, and we've already (after a week)had five phone calls. It does feel strange to be in this land of "limbo" - waiting for our house to sell, while not yet having a house to move to in the States. At this point there's nothing more we can do than wait upon the Lord for the next step to take.

Climbing Down The Mountain

September 12, 2009


How do I get down from here?

The hike up to the summit was much more difficult than I had imagined. It took me fully two hours to reach my objective, and at 12,000+ ft in altitude I was gasping for breath for at least 20 minutes. The view from the top, however, was absolutely magnificent.


The previous afternoon I’d dropped Daphne, Nicole and Jacqueline off at the Denver airport for their flight back to France. Knowing that I needed some time to the Lord and reflect on our incredible summer, I decided to accept a dear friend’s offer to stay in her family’s cabin in Montezuma, Colorado. That morning I was looking up at the peak that dominates the skyline, and decided to hike up near the top to explore what appeared to be an abandoned mine. Without realizing it I had actually driven BEHIND the first mountain to another peak, so when I reached the top I found no signs of any mine. As I sat there breathing the sweet mountain air and admiring the incredible canvass the Lord had painted before me, I asked Him to speak to my heart by His Spirit and help me to find answers to my many questions: Where are we going? What does the future hold? Should we leave staff? Where should we live... I didn’t sense anything from Him at that time, but little did I know what was about to happen. I knew I should start down the mountain, and I felt sure I could find a short cut that would be faster than the way I’d come up. I walked over the ridge and started down, but it didn’t take me very long to realize that I was in trouble: I was heading down a rock face, and I’d already gone past the point of no return – there was no choice but to climb down. The next 30 minutes were possibly the most terrifying of my life. I was all alone, and no one knew where I was. I could easily fall and break my legs or worse, and it could be days before I would be found. All these thoughts were racing through my mind as I tried to pick the least dangerous route, and my legs were trembling like two sewing machines. So I prayed; ‘Lord, I don’t want to die here. I don’t want to leave Daphne and the girls. I can’t see how to get down – please show me the way.’ I glanced to my right and I could see a fairly stable place a few feet down (the rocks were shale, and easily broke off under my hands). I reached the ledge, and was again faced with the same predicament, and prayed the same prayer. I must have cried out to the Lord 10 or 15 times as I climbed down, and each time the Lord would show me one more ledge or spot I could reach. At no point in my descent could I see further than the next spot I could jump to – which was probably a good thing because once I got to the bottom and looked up, I could not believe what I’d just climbed down. I took this picture on my way up, but it shows the summit of the peak and the route I took down. By the time I finally reached level ground my legs and hands were completely scraped and bloodied, but I was alive and deeply grateful to the Lord.





There is a point to this story. I was disappointed that the Lord didn’t speak to me on the mountain that day, but only a short time ago it dawned on me that He did – and in a dramatic way. My descent down the rock face was a graphic, physical illustration of the spiritual journey our family has been on for the past 12 months. Over and over Daphne and I have found ourselves overwhelmed, frightened or uncertain of the next step to take, and each and every time the Lord would show us the next “ledge” to reach for. Just like my climb down the mountain, the Lord has never shown us more than one step in the journey at a time. Some of those steps have seemed illogical or nonsensical to us… only to discover two steps further down why the illogical thing proved to be perfectly logical. So many times in my life I’ve said to the Lord, “what you’re asking me to do doesn’t make “sense”, so I’m not going to do it…” thereby effectively forcing the Lord to take me down a longer, more painful route.



As we’ve walked through the past nine weeks, He has led me step by step a long way down the mountain:

1. (Early July) Return to the States after reaching a point of burn-out, and get the rest and care that you so desperately need.

2. Face up to your own, internal “issues” and dysfunctions, and allow Me to bring healing and wholeness in those areas.

3. Acknowledge the reality that you cannot return to the NAMESTAN roles you’ve filled for the past ten years, and take the risky faith-step to resign.

4. Allow yourself the freedom to dream, and let Me fill your hearts with a new vision for your family and your future.

5. And finally and most recently: understand that the time has come for you to move your family back to the United States, and to a chapter that is only now being written.



While the decision to resign from my multiple roles in the NAMESTAN team was difficult, it pales in comparison to the decision to sell our home in France, say goodbye to some of the dearest and deepest friendships we have, and move back to America. We have felt the freedom from the Lord to follow the desire of our hearts, and we have therefore decided to settle in Conifer, Colorado – an easy drive from my (Jim’s) sister Cathi and her family. The timing of our move is uncertain, as much will depend on how quickly we are able to sell our home in France. I will fly back on the 16th of this month for a much-anticipated and longed-for reunion with Daphne and our girls. This is the longest I have ever been separated from them, and my heart is really aching.


I realize that our transition period will be tough on our family and our team, and I am trying to be emotionally prepared for the many tears and potentially difficult conversations ahead of us. No matter how many times we move, or how many good-byes we say, it NEVER gets any easier. We cherish your prayers as we walk through the coming weeks and months, and as we wait upon the Lord to show us the next step down the mountain.

Update from Jim

August 19, 2009


Dear beloved team and precious friends,

Daphne and I are so grateful for the many, many messages we've received from you all - your words of comfort and affirmation have been a true balm to our hearts. Please forgive us if we have not replied personally to each of your messages; we just can't keep up at this time. Please keep sending your thoughts and prayers to us - we just ask for your understanding if you don't hear back from us right away. I want to share some important with all of you, and rather than creating a new message, I decided to copy you on an email that I just sent to our National Directors and the team in our headquarters in France.

________________________

The past six weeks have been perhaps the most significant weeks of our lives. I could never have imagined all that has happened - starting with my own "burn-out" in early July, my quick departure for Colorado, all the things we have been learning about the Lord, about ourselves and about why we do what we do. We have been surrounded by your prayers, and our every need has been provided for. We have been loved by two wonderful counselors, and we are not only growing in understanding ourselves, but Daphne and I have gone much deeper in our love relationship with each other. I am deeply grateful to the Lord for all the ways He has shown us His love and compassion these past six weeks; God is so deep and profound that I could spend 100 lifetimes - and all of eternity - learning about His character and what it is like to live in a love relationship with Him.

The past year has been one of tremendous spiritual growth and insight for both Daphne and I. On August 10th last year, we were nearing the end of our sabbatical in the States. I had taken the sabbatical because I was weary and needing extended time to rest and reflect. I was struggling deeply in my soul about a number of different issues, and if I am honest I have to say that I was not looking forward to returning to France. I knew our time of rest was coming to an end, and I did not feel ready to jump back into the crazy pace of life that I knew was waiting for me. We were in Oregon visiting Dick Guffey, and it was a Sunday. I was fasting that day - and I was begging the Lord to show us what we should do. For the first time in our lives we put a fleece before the Lord - actually, we put out three fleeces. We needed to hear from the Lord, and we needed to know if there was a future for us in NAMESTAN. God met us in a very, very significant way while we were in church that day... and the past year has been a time of hearing from the Lord in ways that were out of the ordinary for us. On September 11th, soon after we returned home, I had a very real and (I realize now) prophetic dream. The Lord revealed the meaning of the dream 10 months later - about 2 weeks before I hit my own personal crisis. Over those 10 months, Daphne and I were approached by different people (at least six or seven times) who would tell us there was something important they needed to share with us that they believed was from the Lord. I have to say that this has NOT been our normal experience with the Lord, and we did not ask for or seek any of these communications. But to our amazement all of these "prophetic" words pointed in the same direction: God was going to bring significant change to us as well as the team in NAMESTAN. What does one do with supernatural communication like this? We filed these events away, and "pondered" them in our hearts. Then came the day of prayer and fasting on Tuesday, June 30th when we all gathered to seek God's guidance for the future of the regionalization plan. I know many of you joined with our team on that day. Our AOA team met for the whole morning, and we had a wonderful time of worship and seeking the face of the Lord. At the end of that morning, I asked those who were still present to be silent before the Lord for a period of time, and then - if they were willing - to share anything the Lord may have spoken to them. As different staff began to share, I started writing their thoughts down on the white board. I wrote 10 or 15 things, and almost all of them pointed again to the same place: a time of pruning was coming. Two days later I hit the wall, and I was brought to Colorado for rest and counseling. Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidences with the Lord. I cannot say all that the Lord may want to change in us, or in our organization. I can only say for myself that I could no longer continue with the pace of life I was trying to keep, with the travel schedule, with the expectations that I felt (real or imagined) upon me. I just woke up one day and realized: I cannot do this any longer.

During these past six weeks Daphne and I have learned a great deal about ourselves and what motivates us in our lives and ministry - much of which we shared in my earlier email "epistle". During this time I have taken a long, often painful journey through the past 46 years of my life - and especially the past 20 years in full-time ministry. I have many, many wonderful memories that I will treasure forever - memories of each one of you and special moments the Lord has given me with you. Even in the midst of my own internal struggles, or in my discouragement with the ministry - the greatest joy of my life has been to know each of you. The Lord has built deep, wonderful, vulnerable relationships that I will keep and treasure for the rest of my life. Each of you - the operations team, AOA team, and all our staff - you have been the reason that kept me persevering, even when I felt I was reaching the bottom of my own emotional well. My love for you will never change, and I consider it a privilege to have served with you and alongside you for the past 10 years.

My journey inward, however, has brought me to one inescapable conclusion: I cannot and should not continue serving as Director of Operations and Crisis Management. I want to let you all know that I have resigned from these roles, and from my role on the leadership team. I have already informed Henri, the leadership team and my operations team in Paris of my decision. It is now time for me to share this news with all of you. I have not reached this decision hastily, or in anger. Rather, after weeks of prayer, long conversations with Daphne and our girls, and discussions with our counselors here, I believe this chapter in our lives has come to an end. Even though I know this is the right decision for me and my family, I have to be honest in sharing that I have wept many tears over the thought of no longer serving alongside all of you. A part of my heart has been ripped out because of the deep love I have for all of you. I did not come to the States with this decision in mind. To the contrary, I wanted to "get better" so I could return to my ministry in NAMESTAN. However, as I stepped out of all my responsibilities and as I took time to rest, I began to understand some of the deeper issues of my heart. I wasn't able to see these things before because I was running so fast, trying to do so many things all at once. This has been my biggest challenge: my own internal drive to "succeed", combined with a deep need to please others and the need to "perform" have brought me to the place of physical, emotional and spiritual burn-out. I don't know if I shared this with any of you or not before I left, but it might be of some help in understanding where I am today. When Kevin Shaw and Pat Burroughs came to do the operations assessment in May, Kevin suggested that I take advantage of an online job compatibility tool called the "Harrison Assessment". It's not a personality assessment like Myers-Briggs, but it rather assesses one's suitability (according to strengths and natural "bent") for a specific type of role. I took the assessment in light of a "C" level position (Chief Operations Officer, Chief Executive officer etc). The results came back (51 pages worth) with this bottom line: you are not suited to this role. Some time later when I was able to talk with a coach on the phone (who is a believer), he said to me: "Jim, I am seeing something in your Harrison that concerns me, and I checked with another coach who has done thousands of these assessments and we both agree. There are two words we would give to describe your situation: "Perfect Storm". He went on to explain that according to the job (sorry, jobs) I was trying to fill, and according to the natural strengths and gifting God has given me, I was at risk of serious burn-out. As soon as he said those words, I knew without a doubt that he was right, and I began to weep on the phone. He said that I had been pretty successful in my jobs, but my ambition to succeed far outstripped my ability to cope with the stress. The only reason I was successful is that I was constantly adapting to compensate for my weaknesses, and I was adapting at great price to myself. I fact, when I got here the Psychiatrist said exactly the same thing: I believes I have been suffering from adjustment disorder, which simply means I have lived with a number of known stressors , for a extended time, and I have been constantly adjusting until I can't do it any more. My own addiction to productivity and my strong tendency to be a people pleaser - - combined with our CCC culture of activity, urgency and performance are not a healthy mix for me or my family. I sense the Lord is asking us to make a radical change, but what change exactly we do not yet know.

Daphne, Nicole and Jacqueline will return to France on August 24th. I will remain here in Colorado into September, because I realize that I have a need for time alone to reflect, read and pray. I am not a "loner" as you all well know; but I sense that the Lord has more to say to me than I have yet been able to hear. I hope to be back with my family sometime in September, and we will take it one day at a time as we wait upon the Lord.

Although Daphne and I believed the Lord had been preparing us for some change, we never expected that the changes would be of this nature. I am not naive, and I understand that my resignation is not only a huge change for me and my family, but it will be a significant cost for all of you as well. I do not rejoice in causing pain or sadness for any of you, but at the same time I know that the Lord has each one of us in our own personal journey and He will use all these events somehow, some way in our hearts.

I love you and I care deeply for each one of you,

with a bitter-sweet feeling in my heart,
Jim

I'm Letting Go

August 7, 2009


“ Give me revelation, show me what to do! Cause I’ve been trying to find my way; I haven’t got a clue. And tell me should I stay here, or do I need to move? Give me revelation – I’ve got nothing without you… I’ve got nothing without you.”
“Revelation” by the band “Third Day”

34 days ago I came to the end of my rope. I was overcome by a deep, deep weariness that seemed to go down to my very bones. Discouraged, disheartened and hopeless, I told the Lord that I was finished – I couldn’t take even one more step. I don’t sense that now is the time to share all the reasons that brought me to the point of total physical, emotional and spiritual exhaustion. However, even in the midst of the deepest crisis of our lives, both Daphne and I have absolutely no doubt that our precious Shepherd has gone before us, that He is with us, and that He will never abandon us. It is now 3:30 in the morning here in Littleton, Colorado, and my heart is full of thoughts and emotions that I long to share with all of you.

The past 12 months have been without a doubt some of the most difficult in all my 20 years of full-time Christian ministry. And yet during the same period Daphne and I have never in our lives experienced the depth of intimacy with and supernatural communication from the Holy Spirit – He has truly, truly been our Comforter, our Guide and our connection to the warm heart of Jesus. He has spoken through dreams, through prophetic words brought by the Lord’s precious saints, and through profound insights from His word. When I finally hit my “wall” on July 3rd– and even when my heart was breaking within me – Daphne and I KNEW without one shred of doubt that this was all part of the plan He had been revealing to us for many months. This was the storm that He had been predicting to us, and that He Himself was in the wind! In the midst of great confusion, there was also great comfort.

Only eight days prior to this we were in Lebanon to spend time with the staff, along with two friends of the ministry. In hindsight, I should never have gone, as I was already at the point of near total exhaustion. One afternoon Daphne and I chose to stay behind as the others went out for sightseeing – preferring rather to rest at our hotel. We soon found ourselves kneeling by the bed, weeping and pouring out our hearts to the Lord. We asked the Lord for some sign that He was still with us, that the promises He had given us in the previous weeks and months were really true – that He would finally bring us to a place of comfort and rest. The next day we traveled with the Lebanese team into the Bekaa valley to visit the Baalbek ruins. The day was extremely hot, and the valley was as dry as a bone. We stopped for lunch in a restaurant called, in Arabic, the “Sun”. The restaurant was covered by an immense tent-like structure, open on all sides. Surrounding the restaurant on three sides were fountains and streams that trickled and murmured in a delightful way as we enjoyed a wonderful Lebanese lunch. The next morning I arose after another fitful night – and I found myself once more crying out to God to show me His heart. I opened the Word to Psalm 84, and to my profound amazement I read the following verses: “Blessed is the man whose strength is in you, whose heart is set on pilgrimage. As they pass through the valley of Baca (Bekaa, which also means “weeping”) they make it a spring; the rain also covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength…, O Lord of hosts, hear my prayer; Give ear, O God of Jacob!... For the Lord God is a sun and a shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” This is the only passage in all the scriptures that mentions the Bekaa valley. The Lord had spoken again. Eight days later I hit the wall, and we are now in Colorado for rest, counseling and restoration. One of the verses which God gave Daphne in Lebanon is Psalm 81:6 “I relieved his shoulder of the burden, His hands were freed from the basket.”

The Lord is meeting our every need – and He daily overwhelms us with His love and grace. Our housing, our transportation and our counseling costs are all being covered. God has provided Daphne and I with the most godly and understanding counselors we could have asked for – He loves us deeply and He delights to shower us with His blessings! For the first two weeks we were here I was overwhelmed by tremendous anxiety – to the point that I had two full-blown panic attacks and ended up in the emergency room for five hours one Sunday evening. I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t read. I was living in an emotional and spiritual fog. Slowly, day-by-day, my heart has calmed down, and I am beginning to hear the Lord’s still, small voice.
The day before I left France my daughter Nicole handed me a piece of paper, with a drawing of a man sitting under a tree, looking out to the horizon and deep in thought. Next to the drawing she had written the following words:

“Then he could go no further. He was tired and discouraged. He had hoped the people of Israel would turn back to God. Now he saw that as long as wicked Queen Jezebel was on the throne, there was very little chance the people would serve the Lord. Poor Elijah sat down under a Juniper tree. He thought that all that he had done was no use. ‘ It is enough, now O Lord!’ He said, ‘Take away my life!’ The tired prophet, who had been walking night and day without food or drink, was so exhausted that he fell asleep under the Juniper tree. But God was taking tender care of his tired servant.”

Last summer we took two month’s ‘sabbatical’ here in the States. With the clarity of hindsight I can now see that I was already emotionally and physically at the end of myself, but I thought that two months of rest would be sufficient to restore my joy and calling. I was wrong. Near the end of the summer I found myself dreading our return to France. Daphne and I spent time fasting and praying for the Lord to guide us and show us His will for our future – and we can now see that He started that very day (August 10th, 2008) to answer our prayers, and He is still answering today. We placed three fleeces before the Lord… and waited for His direction. I managed to push myself for 11 more months, but when the life-line of hope that I was holding on to snapped, it was over. I have been a staff member with Campus Crusade for 20 years… but if I am honest I have to say that I’ve been “on staff” my entire life. My parents joined CCC when I was five years old, and I have never known life outside the context of full-time ministry. Don’t misunderstand me: I have many, many wonderful, happy memories of my early years, and I wouldn’t trade growing up in Kenya for anything. But starting in High School, and even more in college, the seeds of false guilt and self-condemnation began their relentless creep into my heart. I could never “measure up” to the impossible standards I believed God had placed upon me: I had to be an evangelist, I had to live my life in light of eternity, I had to go into full-time ministry to be significant and “help fulfill the Great Commission”. I would not, could not, allow myself to dream of what I would love to do with my life, because such thoughts were “carnel” and God had given me a higher calling. For twenty years I have lived in a self-imposed prison of who I SHOULD be and what I SHOULD do. In these last days I have wept bitter tears of sorrow and regret – for time lost wandering in the desert, for years given to “the ministry” that often took me away from home and away from my precious wife and daughters (and my other family members), and for the realization that I am 46 years old and half my life is over.

I am not saying that these years have been a waste by any means – as the Lord has filled our lives with deep, wonderful friendships with many people (like all of you), and God in His grace HAS used our lives to bring Himself glory. What I am saying is that Jesus never put the obligations and requirements upon me that I was straining to fulfill… and I have lived in bondage to an incorrect interpretation of a few, key verses of scripture and to the expectations (some real, some imagined) that others placed upon me. For the first time in my life, I am asking the honest question of the Lord – What do YOU want for me and my family? I am just scratching the surface of a new-found freedom to dream, and I am deeply longing for more. A dear friend asked me a penetrating question five days ago: Jim, who is the other Jim deep down inside you?” In other words, who is the “real” Jim – not the ministry Jim, but the man God has created you to be? It hit me like a ton of bricks: I have no idea. That night I wept until there were no more tears within me. The answer to that question is perhaps the most significant of my life, and undoubtedly one of the main reasons why the Lord has brought me here.

So, what does all this mean for our future? I have no idea, and I’m OK with that for now. I do know that some significant real-life changes will need to be made, for my own sanity and health. But the greatest changes have to happen within my own heart, in my own understanding and acceptance of who God has uniquely made me, and in my understanding of His amazing, deep, unconditional love for me. Lord, set my heart FREE!!

The Lord often speaks to my heart through worship and through music, and there are two songs I want to share with you to end this epistle. I heard the first song while watching the film, “Sister Act” – and yes, I know this is not a “Christian” movie. It’s amazing to me how God’s truth can be found almost anywhere, if we’re willing to see it. But the first time I heard this song I wept, as it awoke a deep, deep longing in my heart – and I have gone back to it many, many times for comfort and hope:

“ I will follow Him, follow Him wherever He may go. And near Him I always will be, for nothing can keep me away – He is my destiny. I will follow Him; ever since He touched my heart I knew, there isn’t an ocean too deep, a mountain so high it can keep… keep me away - away from His love!”

I will follow HIM – not what I should do, or must do, or what others think I should do. For He is in love with me, and His heart delights in me.

I heard the second song for the first time a couple of weeks ago, as my heart slowly started calming down. I have listened to it dozens of times since then, as it expresses more clearly than anything else where I am today. The artist’s name is Francesca Battistelli, and the song is called “I’m letting go”:

"My heart beats, standing on the edge. But my feet have finally left the ledge. Like an acrobat, there’s no turning back –

I’m letting go, of the life I’ve planned for me, and my dreams. I’m losing control of my destiny – it feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe. So I’m letting go.

This is a giant leap of faith. Trusting, and trying to embrace - a feeling unknown, beyond my comfort zone…

I’m letting go of the life I’ve planned for me, and my dreams. I’m losing control of my destiny – it feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe. So I’m letting go, giving in to your gravity, knowing you are holding me. I’m not afraid.

Oh, I’m letting go of the life I’ve planned for me, and my dreams. Losing control of my destiny – it feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe. It feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me."

As I heard this song a crystal clear picture came into my mind: I am standing on a cliff edge, looking down thousands of feet to the canyon below. I hold my arms open wide, and step off the edge. As I am falling I can only hear the wind in my ears… and I feel a deep, deep sense of peace – I don’t know where it will end, but I know He is holding me.

Elijah's Cave

July 16th, 2009

Dear Friends and Family,

It was two weeks ago today when Jim hit a wall. It is incredible to see all that has happened since then. I will try and summrize it for you.

Jim, Jacqueline and myself are in Colorado, receiving the best professional care. Jim has been seen by two doctors, had a sleep test, and had two sessions with his counsellor. We feel very assured that we are on the right path to recovery. The one doctor's parting words were very encouraging: "I will see you in three weeks. Call me though if you are not sleeping." He was very sure that Jim's insomnia would be cured. And for two nights now, Jim has had an almost full night's sleep! We are so unaccustomed to this and I keep waking up because I am so not used to having Jim next to me in the bed!! For over a year now, we would go to bed together, but if ever I roused during the night, I would find him gone and he would be downstairs reading or otherwise trying to occupy his time of wakefulness.

This dry valley is indeed turning into a "place of springs" (psalm 84, which is the passage the Lord gave Jim while in Lebanon recently.) We are so overwhelmed by the Lord's care and provision for us through loving saints in the body. We have had all expenses covered, the counselling costs, accommodation, even just other living expenses. We can hardly contain this feeling of being loved and cared for. It is an extremely humble place to be. God is delighting in leading us to green pastures, making us to lie down beside still waters, and restoring our souls.

We have also been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and concern through over a hundred emails, expressing prayer, comfort and concern. All this is truly part of God's healing ministry to us.

A dear friend in France came to our house to minister to us the night before Jim left for the States. This is someone whom God has used to bring great insight and comfort to us of late. As soon as he heard what was happening, he took us to the story of Elijah, and showed us how this was where Jim was at. After Elijah had spent himself in service to the Lord, and had come to the end of his own strength, God Himself met with him and ministered to his needs. First feeding him under a juniper tree, and then taking him to a cave where he was able od's voice and renew his strength for the road ahead. He said that our cave will be in Colorado and that God will be speaking to us there, restoring and healing our bodies, souls and spirits. He also said we were entering the pivotal turning point in our lives.

This morning Jim read these thoughts in Psalm 95: we are to spend time in worship before Him and make sure we do not harden our hearts, but stay open to His voice.

We would value your prayers for Jim's complete recovery from stress burnout. Right now even "good stress" causes him to have palpitations and what is like a panic attack. We would also like you to pray that our hearts would remain teachable, and that we would be willing to be honest and vulnerable with those who are offering us help and gauidance through this, and that we would hear from God all that He wants to be telling us.

We love you all and are so thankful for the body of Christ!
Jim and Daphne

Under The Juniper Tree

July 7th, 2009

Dear Friends, This is Daphne writing – I was going to be writing this letter anyway to give you the story of my recent trip to Lebanon with Jim – but now I am writing to tell you of the rapid turn of events in our lives and to ask you all to be praying for us. Jim has been under pressure for a long, long time, carrying too much responsibility and wearing too many hats in our region. This has taken its toll on his health in terms of his sleeping, and the resulting insomnia (added to by RLS) in turn has only decreased his ability to handle the stress.

Well, Thursday last week Jim hit a wall emotionally and physically. He is experiencing severe exhaustion and needs to go for urgent medical treatment to resolve his insomnia and restless leg syndrome. He will be flying out Wednesday morning with a colleague and dear friend of ours, Scott Petersen, to Denver, Colorado. They will stay with Jim’s sister Cathi initially and I will fly over and join him on Saturday. After receiving the medical care that he needs, he will move to a center, still in the Denver area, which cares for missionary families in crisis. We don’t know how long we will stay in Colorado; we can only place ourselves in the Lord’s hands and into the care of those who can most help us through this time. For now, the girls will all be staying here in Paris, and I and Scott's wife, Mary, will be working on plans to farm them out or have folk come stay here. Anyhow, this is very much a one-day-at-a-time affair and I am trying not to think too far ahead for the sake of my own sanity.

God has gone ahead of us and laid the groundwork in an amazing way, and we know this storm is from Him. These past several months have been ones in which Jim and I have been growing closer to one another spiritually, hearing from the Lord in ways as never before, and enjoying the fellowship of the Holy Spirit in incredible richness. So we are entering this valley, not from a place of barrenness, but rather having our spiritual cups full, and knowing that we are merely following our Good Shepherd through the valley, and His rod and staff will comfort us.

Jim had a fairly good night's rest last night and we are trusting he will have another one tonight, to prepare him for the flight tomorrow. He is still feeling very fragile right now, but also very confident that this will have a good ending. Any thoughts or prayers would be gratefully received through emails to my email address (see below), but for now we are asking that the phone remain as silent as possible in order to let Jim sleep as much as possible. We love you and thank you for standing with us in our time of need.

Daphne for us all

daphnem1409@aol.com

"No eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the human heart conceived, what God has prepared for those who love Him."
I Corinthians 2:9